denied it to myself, but I couldn’t deny it to him. He’d call my bluff. “Maybe it doesn’t mean what we think it means.”
His head tilted to the side, and he studied me intently. Hopefully? “What do you think it means?”
“I...don’t know.” I wasn’t at my best just then. But I knew that just because I’d stood with Gavin, and Cole had stood with Veronica, and just because I’d had my hands on Gavin and Cole had been smiling so peacefully at Veronica, didn’t mean we belonged with Gavin and Veronica. “What do you think it means?”
Please tell me what I want to hear.
He would. He had to. Not many people were as layered as Cole. A hard outer shell covered razor blades, and razor blades covered steel. But for those willing to dig—and endure the injuries and bleeding—a soft, gooey center could be found. I’d dug. I’d found it. He wouldn’t let me go, wouldn’t turn to Veronica.
“I think it means...we’re over,” he said, and closed his eyes.
He would. He really would.
He might as well have slapped me. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “No.”
“Okay, let me rephrase. I know it means we’re over. We have to be. I’ve almost lost you twice, and I’m going to lose you for good when the visions start coming true. I’m not going to hang on to a lost cause, Ali.”
Panic set in. I had to make him understand. “I’m not a lost cause. We’re not a lost cause. I don’t like Gavin.”
“But you will.”
No! “Don’t do this,” I said. “Please. You have to trust me. Please,” I said again, and I didn’t care how desperate I sounded. “There are some things you can never take back, and this is one of them.”
A terrible stillness came over him. I wasn’t sure he was even breathing. Then he was stomping to the wall, throwing a fist.
Boom! I flinched. Plaster gave, leaving a hole. Dust mushroomed through the air.
Here was the dangerous boy I’d been warned about in the beginning. The one mothers wanted to hide from their daughters. The panty melter, I’d heard a few girls at school call him. The boy others feared. The violent criminal. The hard-hearted machine.
“I’m not going to look at Gavin and suddenly start wanting him,” I whispered. I couldn’t even imagine it. “You’re the one for me. And this isn’t like you,” I added. “You never back down. You never walk away from a fight.” Fight for me.
He pressed his forehead into the damaged wall.
“Cole,” I said quietly. Must get through to him. “Do you want Veronica?”
“No,” he said, and I could have sobbed with relief. “Not even a little.”
“See!”
“Ali, I...” He straightened, turned toward me. I saw the panic a split second before a sheet of ice fell over his features, and that ice was far worse than the fury he’d displayed earlier. “Our feelings right now aren’t the problem. One day I hope you’ll forgive me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. But...we’re done.”
Done.
Just like that.
Over. Finished.
“Cole.”
“We’re done,” he repeated more firmly. “We’re done.”
How finite he sounded. How sure.
For the second time in my life, my heart broke into thousands of pieces. I thought I would die. But this time, I had the second heart, the new one, whatever it was, to pick up the slack, to keep me alive.
Silent now, he backed up, away from me.
“I won’t come crawling after you,” I croaked.
“I don’t want you to.”
With those five words, he shredded the rest of me. Spirit, soul and body. I wouldn’t give him the chance to do it again. I couldn’t. “I won’t take you back even if you come crawling back to me.”
“I know,” he said, despair creeping into his tone. “And I won’t.... I can’t....” He shook his head. “There’s nothing I can say to make either of us feel better about this, and I’m sorry about that. You’ll probably never know how much. But that’s not going to change my mind. It has to be this way.”
He turned and left.
Chapter 6
Welcome to Your Nightmare
I...
Broke...
Down.
Somehow I found the strength to stand. My legs shook. With fury. Sorrow. Helplessness. Regret.
Pain.
I wanted to chase after Cole and tear into him the way he’d just done to me. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream at him.
I wanted him to hurt the way I was hurting.
I wanted to cry and beg him to come back to me.
I wanted his arms around me.
I wanted to hate him.
Maybe I did hate him. Today he’d proved he wasn’t the admirable boy I’d thought he was. How could he be? He’d cut me loose the same way he’d cut Mackenzie loose. As if I meant nothing. Only difference was, I’d had a little warning. I just hadn’t wanted to face the truth of it.
I wanted to avoid him forever.
I’d see him again. Of course I would. We would even talk to each other. We’d have to. In a way, he was my boss. He set the nightly rotation schedule. He headed up all training. But the easy camaraderie we’d shared was over. The bantering. The kissing. The touching.
Over.
He’d wanted to protect himself, and me, from further hurt, from fighting a losing battle, from whatever mystery he refused to discuss, from the devastation and shame of falling for other people while we were still together.
I’d been willing to risk it.
He’d decided I wasn’t worth the effort.
I looked around the room that wasn’t mine. It was only a loaner. The only things I owned were the clothes in the dresser and closet. I stumbled to the dresser without knowing why—until I felt my fingers curl around the edge and my arms push forward, sending the piece of furniture crashing into the floor.
I grabbed a drawer and tossed it, then another, and another. Socks and underwear went flying in every direction. Seeing them lying on the floor only made me madder. I was just like them. Tossed aside. In
