make sure your understanding is correct before you respond.
• Have a clear contract with them. This is about give and take and mutual respect (this won’t necessarily mean 50/50 with your boss!).
• Share feelings. Have both of you share your feelings with one another as well as the facts.
• Spell out clearly what you mean. Be straightforward. Explain the consequences of their action.
• Say no when you must, and explain why. If remedial action is called for, do it sooner rather than later. Sooner is easier!
• Accept that other people have a right to say no. Understand why they are saying no. This could be a deep-rooted cultural question.
• Be positive. Use positive words and body language (Secret 6.4).
Be assertive yourself and encourage the same behaviour in others.
1.6 Find the causes of discord
It is very easy to make superficial judgements about what to do with difficult people. But this can cause us to miss the root cause of the discord. Look at the details and consider each case individually.
Difficult people will take up a disproportionate amount of your time, so it is in your interests to invest time to get to the bottom of why they behave as they do. Suppose you feel that someone is a bully. You could try facing up to them, because, when confronted, bullies often do back down. That’s the superficial approach, though, and the case study below invites you to look under the skin of the difficult person before deciding on your strategy for dealing with them.
case study You need to be aware that someone could be difficult because of physical or mental health problems. It’s not your job to solve their problems, but it is your responsibility to be on the lookout for such contributory factors. An MD asked me to help design a performance management system. One of the issues that surfaced was that the Sales Director was seen to
Language discord
Another approach to understanding discord involves realizing that we have preferences regarding our thought processes and language. There are three different ways in which we show our language preferences:
• Visual. The visual type will say, “I see what you mean”, “Let’s look at this one more time” or “It’s quite clear to me”.
• Audio. The audio type will say, “Let’s talk about it”, “I’m speechless” or “Go and shout this from the rooftops”.
• Kinesthetic. This person is all about feeling. “I feel this is wrong for us”, “She’s a very warm-hearted person” or “I sense you don’t like this”.
The problem is that if you prefer one of these three, and the person in front of you prefers others, then you will have discord and a potentially difficult person. The answer is (a) for you to use a balanced blend of these styles, and (b) to match your style to those around you, where possible. So, if someone is regularly using kinesthetic/feeling words, use such words yourself.
Look what’s behind the behaviour before you decide how to respond
bully two of his staff with sustained and systematic ridicule. We explained the impact that he was having, and we faced the problem head on by warning the bully of the consequences of his actions. We did things by the book, but only by digging deeper did we discover that he was an alcoholic. We enlisted specialist help, and the problem was controlled.
Very few people are difficult. They only seem so when they interact with other people, including you! Through the Secrets in this chapter, you will be introduced to the concept of emotional intelligence, you will gain a better understanding of yourself and you’ll be asked to consider how you appear to others. This will give you the best possible chance of working successfully with those around you—even with the people who seem truly difficult.
2.1 Develop your emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EI) is the capacity to recognize our own feelings and those of others, and to manage our own emotions and the emotions of others with whom we have relationships. We are born with EI, but it can be developed further.
There are five core emotions – fear, anger, sadness, joy and disgust. Emotions are usually at the root of difficult behaviour, and you are likely to meet them with an emotional reaction yourself. If you are emotionally intelligent, though, you will manage your own emotions and take into account other people’s needs and concerns.
case study The MD of a fork-lift truck distributor had a management team of five. He was autocratic, aggressive and obstinate, yet also direct, organized and financially astute. Sadly, he never learned from his experiences because he had a fixed view of his own capability and how his team should be handled. He always behaved the same way and he always got the
Here are five key points to help develop your emotional intelligence:
• Be self aware. Know your values, ambitions, preferences, intuitions and confidence levels. Know how you will respond to pressure.
• Regulate yourself. Manage your disruptive emotions, maintain your standards of integrity, be flexible in handling change, take responsibility for your performance and be comfortable with new ideas.
• Manage your motivation. Align yourself with the goals of your team and organization; overcome obstacles to your goals.
• Display empathy. Be sensitive to other people’s feelings. Recognize the need for diverse talents. Be aware of the emotional tide within a group, and understand where the power lies. Know how others perceive you.
• Have social skills. Use the right tactics to persuade; agree collective goals; listen before you lead. Inspire others with your judgement, communication, collaboration and management of change. Provide feedback to suit the situation.
This is a taste of EI, and a formidable list of competencies. Why is this important to you as you deal with difficult people? Quite simply, if emotions such as anxiety and anger are not addressed in your quest for performance, you and those around you will not perform well.
How well do you manage your own emotions and the emotions of others?
same results – including a frustrated team that could not stand up to him. He nagged them rather than coached them. He didn’t develop, his frustrated people didn’t grow and the business had to be rescued. If he had developed his emotional intelligence and adapted his behaviour to suit each situation, he would have discovered
