knew Clarkson had rough edges, but I didn’t believe him to be cruel. I didn’t think he would taunt me with a position I’d never have.
I felt as if I was sleepwalking, going through the motions of competition like a ghost rewalking her last steps over and over. The world felt like a shadow of itself, and I trudged across it, cold and tired.
It didn’t take long for the girls to stop asking questions. Every once in a while I felt the weight of their eyes on me. But I’d moved beyond their reach, and they seemed to understand it was best not to bother with the stretch. I fell below the queen’s notice … I fell below most everyone’s notice, and I didn’t mind it too much down there, alone with my worries.
I might have gone on that way forever. But one day, a day as bland and weary as any of the others that had passed, I’d been so far gone that I didn’t notice as the dining room cleared. Nothing registered until a suit was standing across from me on the other side of the table.
“You’re sick.”
My eyes went up to Clarkson’s and flitted away almost as quickly.
“No, I’ve just been more tired than usual lately.”
“You’re thin.”
“I told you, I’ve been tired.”
He slammed a fist on the table and I jolted up, startled into looking at his face again. My sleepy heart didn’t know what to do with itself.
“You’re not tired. You’re sulking,” he said firmly. “I understand why, but you need to get over it.”
Get over it? Get over it?
My eyes welled up. “With everything you know, how could you be so mean to me?”
“Mean?” he retorted, practically spitting the word. “This is kindness, pulling you back from the brink. You’re going to kill yourself like this. What will that prove? What will that even accomplish, Amberly?”
For as harsh as his words were, his voice seemed to caress my name.
“Worried you might not have a child? So what? If you’re dead, there’s no chance at all.” He took the plate in front of me, still full of ham and eggs and fruit, and pushed it toward me. “Eat.”
I wiped away the tears from my eyes and stared at the food. My stomach rebelled just seeing it. “It’s too heavy. I can’t take it.”
He lowered his voice and came in closer. “Then what can you take?”
I shrugged. “Bread, maybe.”
Clarkson stood back up and snapped his fingers, summoning a butler.
“Your Highness,” he began with a low bow.
“Go down to the kitchen and bring back bread for Lady Amberly. Several types.”
“Immediately, sir.” He turned and nearly ran from the room.
“And, for God’s sake, bring some butter!” Clarkson shouted at his back.
I felt another wave of shame. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was botching my chances with things I couldn’t control, it was even more humiliating to ruin it with things I could.
“Listen to me,” he pleaded softly. I managed to look at him again. “Don’t ever do that again. Don’t just check out on me.”
“Yes, sir,” I mumbled.
He shook his head. “I’m Clarkson with you.”
And it was worth every speck of energy it took for the smile to cross my face.
“You have to be spotless, do you understand? You need to be an exemplary candidate. Up until recently, I didn’t think there’d ever be a need to tell you that, but now it seems I do: don’t give anyone a reason to doubt your competence.”
I sat there, stunned. What did he mean? If I’d had any more clarity of mind, I’d have asked.
Not a moment later, the butler returned with a tray full of rolls and twists and loafs, and Clarkson stepped back.
“Until next time.” He bowed and left, arms tucked behind his back.
“Will this do, my lady?” the butler asked, and I dragged my tired eyes to the pile of food.
I nodded, picked up a roll, and bit.
It’s a strange thing to discover how much you matter to people you didn’t really know you mattered to. Or to find that the slow disintegration of yourself causes a smaller version to happen in other people.
When I asked Martha if she wouldn’t mind bringing me a bowl of strawberries, her eyes welled up. When I laughed at a joke Bianca told, I noticed that Madeline sort of gasped before she joined in herself. And Clarkson …
The only other time I’d seem him really upset was that night we’d caught his parents fighting, and I sensed that his becoming slightly unhinged then was his way of expressing how much they meant to him. That he got so bothered over me … it wasn’t my preferred way of him letting me know he cared. But if that’s what he knew, it made sense.
That night when I tucked myself into bed, I promised myself two things. First, if Clarkson cared that much, then I was going to stop treating myself like a victim. From now on, I was a contender. Second, I was never going to give Clarkson Schreave a reason to get upset like that again.
His world looked like a storm.
I was going to be its center.
“RED,” EMON INSISTED. “YOU ALWAYS look stunning in red.”
“But it shouldn’t be so primary. Maybe something deeper, like a wine.” Cindly pulled out another gown, much darker than the first.
I sighed with delight. “That’s the one.”
I didn’t have the fire some of the other girls had, and I wasn’t a Two—but I was starting to think there were other ways to shine. I’d decided that I was going to stop dressing like a princess and start dressing like a queen.
It didn’t take much work to notice that there was a line drawn between the two. The Selected girls were given floral prints or dresses made with gauzy material. The queen’s dresses were statements, bold and imposing. If my personality wasn’t that way, at least my clothes could be.
And I was working on carrying myself differently. If I’d been asked back in Honduragua which was harder, working outside all day or trying to have decent posture for a solid ten hours, I’d have said the first. I was starting to wonder now.
It was the subtleties I wanted to master, the unnameable things that hung around a One. Tonight, on the Report,
