lass,” said her dad. “Ah diven’t know what thy Jack calls ’em, but ah calls ’em the cheeks of me arse!”’
Colin Farr laughed, loud and false and desperate, and rose to his feet.
‘Good one, Tommy,’ he proclaimed. ‘Good one. Let’s have another pint!’
The Police Club functions room was crowded, noisy and full of smoke. There was a sound like a spade flattening the last sod on a pauper’s grave. It was Andy Dalziel’s huge hand slapping the bar. Immediately the noise faded and even the miasma seemed to clear for a space of a couple of feet around the massive grizzled head.
The Detective-Superintendent, Head of Mid-Yorks CID, looked round the room till heavy breathers held their heavy breath, then he opened his speech with the time-honoured Yorkshire formula.
‘Right, you buggers,’ he said. ‘You know what we’re here for tonight.’
His audience sighed in happy anticipation. It occurred to Sammy Ruddlesdin of the Evening Post that his report (written in advance so that he wouldn’t have anything to distract him from the boozing) was more than usually dishonest. In it he’d said that the crowded room bore eloquent witness to the high regard in which DCC Watmough was held by his fellows, while in truth, it bore eloquent witness to the low regard in which they knew that Dalziel held him. Most were here in the simple hope of being entertained by a valedictory vilification!
They were sadly disappointed. After a few ancient but warmly received anecdotes, Dalziel launched on a meandering and mainly complimentary account of Watmough’s career. There were a few hopeful signs (‘I knew him in them early days with Mid-Yorks. There were some as said he got a bit over-excited under pressure but I always said, you’ve got to flap a bit if you want to be a high flier!’) but they never came to anything. Perhaps Dalziel was saving himself up for the Pickford case? This was Watmough’s finest hour, occurring during a brief sojourn as Assistant Chief Constable in South Yorkshire when he had masterminded the hunt for a child killer. A salesman, Donald Pickford, had obliged by asphyxiating himself in his car and leaving a note of confession. Somehow Watmough, with media support, had turned this into a triumph of detection with himself modestly wearing the bays. He had returned rapidly on the crest of this wave to Mid-Yorks as Deputy Chief and had looked to have enough momentum left to carry him all the way to the Chief’s office only three years later, till a malevolent fate had intervened.
This same malevolent fate was now approaching his peroration.
‘We’ll not soon forget what you’ve done for us in these past few years,’ declaimed Dalziel. ‘Like the man said, you touched nowt you didn’t adorn. Now the time has come for you to move on to fresh fields and pastures new. And the time has come for me, Neville – and it’s good to be able to call you Neville again after these past few years of having to call you sir …’
Pause for laughter, especially from Peter Pascoe, who recalled Dalziel’s more usual forms of reference, such as Shit-head, Lobby Lud, Her Majesty, Nutty Slack and Rover the Wonder Dog.
‘… the time has come for me to present you with this token of our esteem.’
He picked up a box from the bar.
‘Rumour has it you’re thinking of going into politics, or at least into the SDP, so we thought this’d be a suitable gift.’
From the box he took a clock, turned the hands to twelve and set it on the bar. A moment later a peal of Westminster Chimes began to sound.
‘We reckoned that with this, Nev, if you ever do get into Parliament, it won’t matter whose bed you’re ringing home from, you can always convince your missus you’re at an all-night sitting in the House. Goodbye to you, and good … luck!’
And that was it. Not yet nine o’clock and the action over with not a bloodstain to be seen. The DCC, as relieved as his audience was disappointed, repaid Dalziel’s moderation with a fulsomely sentimental tribute to his colleagues at all levels.
‘Brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it?’ said Pascoe.
Sergeant Wield, whose shattered visage looked as if it would absorb tears like dew off the Gobi Desert, said, ‘De mortuis.’
‘Well, stuff me,’ said Sammy Ruddlesdin behind him. ‘Once through these hallowed portals and it’s goodbye to all that ’ello, ’ello, ’ello, stuff and it’s out with the Latin tags and literary quotes. Even Fat Andy was at it.’
It was clear Ruddlesdin had been enjoying the hospitality. Beside him was a short, stoutish man smartly dressed in a black worsted three-piece suit, a sartorial effect somewhat at odds with the handrolled cigarette drooping beneath a ragged and nicotine-stained moustache.
‘I dare say you lads know my friend and colleague, Mr Monty Boyle of the Sunday Challenger, the famous Man Who Knows Too Much.’
‘I think we’ve met in court,’ said Pascoe. ‘I didn’t think our little occasion tonight would have had much in it for the Challenger.’
‘The passing of a great public servant?’ said Boyle with a W. C. Fieldsian orotundity. ‘You surprise me. Dignity needs its chroniclers as much as disaster.’
He’s winding me up, thought Pascoe. He opened his mouth to inquire what hitherto hidden connection with dignity the Challenger was planning to reveal when Ruddlesdin said, ‘Careful, Peter. Our Monty Knows Too Much because he’s got an extra ear.’
He drew back the Challenger man’s jacket to reveal, hooked on to the third button of his waistcoat, a slim black cassette recorder, almost invisible against the cloth.
‘Just a tool of the trade,’ said Boyle indifferently. ‘I don’t hide it.’
‘Voice sensitive too, and directional. If he’s facing you in a crowded bar, it’ll pick you up above all the chatter, isn’t that right, Monty?’
There was not a great deal of love lost between these two, decided Pascoe.
‘It’s not switched on,’ said Boyle. ‘Mr Dalziel’s valediction is, of course, printed on my heart. And I’d never attempt to record a policeman without his knowledge.’
He smiled politely at Pascoe.
Ruddlesdin said, ‘Especially not in their club where visitors can’t buy drinks,’ and stared significantly into his empty glass.
Wield said, ‘Give it here, Sammy. Mr Boyle?’
‘No more for me,’ said the crime reporter, glancing at his watch. ‘I have some driving to do before I get to bed.’
‘What’s that mean? Farmer’s wife or kerb crawling?’ said Ruddlesdin.
Boyle smiled. ‘In our business, Sammy, you’re either pressing forward or you’re sliding backward, have you forgotten that? Once you start just reporting news, you might as well bow out for one of these.’
He tapped the cassette on his chest before buttoning
