I’m sorry, sir, you can’t come in. This is a crime scene.’
I looked at him in amazement. ‘Crime scene? This is my bloody house!’
His cherubic face took on a look of anger as I swore. ‘Sir, I’m warning you under Section Five of the Public Order Act, if you swear again I will be forced to arrest you!’
I looked around ostentatiously. ‘Do you see anyone here who is likely to be harassed, alarmed or distressed by my swearing?’ I asked, seeing the doubt blossom on his face as I quoted the act right back at him. ‘I don’t – and, as you can’t be the one to feel any of that, I suggest you stop being a pillock and get someone who knows their job.’
I wasn’t making a friend here, I knew, but I wasn’t going to stand around and be dictated to by a kid who hadn’t even handcuffed someone on his own yet. We were saved by an officer I knew sticking his head out of the door, presumably to see what the commotion was about. Andy Coucher is a top-rate officer and, about a year before, had moved on to the tutor unit to pass on some of his hard-gained street knowledge.
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