I broke into tears. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
When she first started showing up in my dreams again after last April, it scared the crap out of me. She was so lonely, though, and I couldn’t help but talk to her. I still hadn’t forgiven her for killing Lish—I don’t think I ever will—but it was a topic we both avoided so that we could get to know each other. I understood now a little better where she came from, and I’d always sympathized with how deeply alone she’d been. Plus, being raised by faeries, she was bound to make bad choices. We treaded lightly around the hard topics, and somewhere along the way it felt like we really had become the sisters she always wanted us to be.
Except she never took my stuff, which was nice.
I wiped away tears. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sad, and I don’t know why, and I shouldn’t be—and here I am, complaining to you when you aren’t even—” I stopped, unable to finish. Vivian wasn’t going to wake up, ever again. When I took the souls from her, she hadn’t had enough of her own soul to live a normal life. It was my fault.
“Hey, shush, don’t you worry about me. I’m fine.”
“You haven’t visited in a while.”
“Haven’t I?” She looked thoughtfully out over the water. “I’m here, or I’m nowhere, or I’m somewhere else entirely. It gives me a lot of time to think. But I never seem to get anywhere with it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. Me, too. I try to make my life different in my mind, be the one who was strong enough to let go.”
“You were, though.” I nudged her with my elbow. “You didn’t take my soul.”
“That’s something, but it doesn’t really make up for the ones I did take, does it?”
No. No, it didn’t.
“Sometimes … sometimes I wish you had sent me with them.” She took my hand in hers, tracing the outline of the gate in the stars I had sent the souls through. Neither of us really understood what happened that night. We might both be Empty Ones, capable of opening gates between worlds, but that didn’t mean we had any idea how it worked. “I wonder what would have happened if the faeries hadn’t sent me after you, if they’d realized I had enough energy to open a gate myself. Lucky for us that my faeries were idiots, but I can’t help imagining it. I think I’d like to see what’s out there.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Someday we both will.”
She laughed again. “Hey, stupid, it’s not a bad thing.”
“It’s another way of losing people,” I whispered. “I feel like I’m doomed to lose everyone, always. I can’t seem to keep the people I love.”
She squeezed my hand. “I know. On the bright side, I’m not going anywhere.” Her voice had that edge of irony I remembered so well; funny that what used to scare me about her was now comforting, familiar. Being together was like a little touch of home—a foreign concept for both of us. She looked down at my hand; I thought I saw a tiny flash of light, along with tingling. “What was that?”
I had forgotten about the stupid sylph. This was hardly the place to bring it up. Another thing to worry about. “I didn’t see anything,” I said.
“If you’re going to lie you really ought to get better at it.” She lay back on the grass to stare at the sky. “So, you’re sad. What’s the problem?”
Sighing heavily, I lay back, too. “I don’t know. I’ve finally got the life I wanted for so long. And it’s great, really, and Lend—”
“I like hearing about him.”
“I like talking about him. And he’s wonderful. But I haven’t … I still haven’t told him.”
“Yeah, I figured. You’re not really good with the honesty thing.”
“You’re one to talk!”
“Hey, I was always honest about what I was doing.” She flashed a wicked grin, reminding me that she wasn’t as innocent as I liked to pretend. “But that’s not what this new crying fit is about, because you’ve known about Lend’s immortal soul for a while now.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “Reth visited tonight.”
“Really? Wish he’d visit me….”
“Vivian!”
“What? A girl gets lonely in a coma, and faerie or not, he’s pretty.” I wasn’t sure if she wanted him to mess around with or to suck dry—and equally unsure which option creeped me out more. “Go on, though.”
“I don’t know. He implied that I’m not really happy with the life I chose.” I hated how he always seemed to see straight through me. If he didn’t have to deal with squirmy, unpredictable mortal emotions, why did he have to be so good at reading them?
“Well, are you happy?”
“Yes! I am! Of course I am. It’s what I always wanted.”
“But …”
“Nothing. It’s stupid.”
“Well, duh. You, my darling sister, are stupid about a lot of things.”
I glared at her. “Gosh, tender much?”
She shrugged. “Like I said, I’m honest. Go on. It’s what you always wanted, and?”
“And it’s not, you know? Lend’s gone so much, and even when he’s here I can’t help but worry that this isn’t the life he’ll choose when he finds out that he’s like his mom. And then Raquel showed up this week, which reminded me of how things used to be. They weren’t great, but I kind of miss …” I thought about what my life had been like at IPCA, how much I had dreamed of being normal, of this life I had now. What was it that I missed? It wasn’t the missions, the restrictions, the lifestyle.
It was mattering.
“I miss being special. With IPCA, I was special. They needed me. And in the real world, I’m … not.” Tears started streaming again and I wiped them away, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. How lame am I, whining my whole life about being different, and then hating being the same as everyone else.”
Viv pushed up onto her elbows, frowning at me. “But you’re not. You’ve never been the same. So I don’t get it—you haven’t changed. What’s the problem here?”
“I don’t know.”
“Get over it then. Do something.”
