Arthur. “Now I’m going to call Sneezer and get him to find out what is happening back home.”
He took the phone again from Captain Drury, who resumed his cranking. The earpiece crackled and hummed, and in the far distance Arthur could hear a stern male voice saying, “All telephones are to be cut off by order,” but that faded as another, softer voice that might be either male or female said, “Shut up.”
“I beg your pardon?” asked Arthur.
“Not you, sorry,” said the voice. “Can I help you?”
“I’d like to speak to Sneezer in Monday’s Dayroom, please.”
“Ooh, you’re Lord Arthur, aren’t you? I could tell because you said ‘please’ again. Everyone’s saying how nice you are.”
“Uh, thanks,” said Arthur. “Could I speak to Sneezer? It really is urgent.”
“Putting you through, Lord Arthur,” said the operator. “Even if old grizzleguts says we’re…”
The operator’s voice faded and Arthur heard a multitude of other, distant voices all speaking at once, overlaid with the stern voice once again ordering that all telephones be cut off. Then there was silence for several seconds. Arthur was about to ask Captain Drury what was going on when the familiar voice of Sneezer sounded out in the air, not out of the phone.
“Monday’s Dayroom, Sneezer here.”
“It does that sometimes, sir,” whispered Drury.
“It’s Arthur, Sneezer.”
“Good day to you, Lord Arthur.”
“Sneezer, I want you to look through the Seven Dials. I need to find out what’s happened to Leaf and my family, and the general situation back at my home. Can you do that, please?”
“I can, sir. Indeed, at the behest of Dr Scamandros I have already looked through, the doctor being desirous of finding out if any Nothing residue of the Skinless Boy remained.”
“What did you see?” asked Arthur. “It’s still Thursday there, right?”
“No, Lord Arthur. It is Friday.”
“Friday! If the Skinless Boy was destroyed on Thursday… I’ll have been missing overnight. My parents must be freaking out!”
“To be exact, Friday a week from the Thursday on which Miss Leaf embarked on her action against the Skinless Boy.”
“A week! You mean I’ve been missing on Earth for a week?!”
“I believe that is so, sir. Dr Scamandros has suggested that the destruction of the Skinless Boy created a minor fracture of the temporal relationship between you and the Secondary Realm in which you normally reside.”
“My parents must think… What’s happened to my mum and dad?”
“I regret to inform you, Lord Arthur, that while your father is safe – though reluctantly engaged in being driven very long distances in a bus and stopping at night to play music with an ensemble named after rodents – it appears that your mother is not currently in your own Secondary Realm—”
“What?” croaked Arthur. His throat felt suddenly choked and dry. “Where is she? Who… how?”
“There is great disturbance in your world, Lord Arthur,” said Sneezer. His voice was getting fainter. “A number of mortals have been taken elsewhere within the Secondary Realms. I think your mother is among that group, though it is possible that not all the disappearances have been effectuated by the same agency. It is not at all clear who is responsible, though the natural assumption would be Lady Friday since the disappearances appear to have occurred on that day.”
Arthur forced himself to be calm, to try to think, not just panic. But the panic was bubbling up inside him. He wanted to just shut his eyes and fade out until someone else took care of everything. But someone else wasn’t going to take care of him, or his mother, or anything…
He took two breaths that were not as deep as he wanted them to be, though it was shock and fear affecting his lungs, not his usual asthma. He didn’t suffer from asthma in the House.
“Find out where Mum is… where they all are,” he ordered Sneezer. “Get Dr Scamandros on it. Get anyone who can help to… to help. Oh – what about Leaf? Is she OK?”
“I believe Miss Leaf is one of the abducted mortals,” said Sneezer carefully. His voice was very faint now, as if the telephone was a long way from his mouth. “One of the main group of abductees, that is to say. Though in her case she might have chosen to go along. I couldn’t get a clear view of the proceedings; there was an opacity resulting from some opposing power. However, it appeared—”
“Get off!” said the operator suddenly, over the top of Sneezer’s voice. “No, I’m not coming down the line… Get off! Stop it! Ah! Help! It’s got my foot – pull me back, lads! Heave!”
A whole host of voices joined in then, shouting and screaming, and whatever Sneezer was saying was lost. Then there was a deafening howl, as if someone had trodden on the tail of an extremely large and unfriendly wolf, and the handset crumbled into dust in Arthur’s hands, leaving him holding a single wire that let out a small and pathetic spark before he hastily dropped it.
“We have to find my mum,” said Arthur.
“Your destiny does not include a mortal family,” Dame Primus declared. “As I have said before, you should shake off those minor shackles. As I understand it, your parents are not blood relations in any case.”
“They’re my parents,” Arthur protested. He had long since got used to being adopted, but there was still some sting in the Will’s words.
“Emily and Bob love me, and I love them. I love all my family.”
“That is a mortal invention,” said Dame Primus. “It is of no use in the House.”
“What?” asked Arthur.
“Love,” Dame Primus answered, her lips twisted in distaste. “Now, Lord Arthur, I really must insist that we attend to at least the most significant items of the Agenda. I have reordered it as you requested.”
“I requested?” Arthur’s voice was vacant since he was still in shock. He’d tried so hard to protect his family. Everything he’d done had been to keep them out of things. But it hadn’t worked. Superior Saturday had threatened to use the Skinless Boy to take his place, to erase their minds so they forgot the real Arthur. Since that hadn’t worked, maybe now Friday or Saturday had kidnapped his mum… Arthur’s mind raced as he tried to get a grip on the situation.
“At our meeting in Monday’s Dayroom,” said Dame Primus. “Before you were drafted. Do pay attention, Lord Arthur.”
“I’m thinking,” snapped Arthur. “Captain Drury, do you have a spare phone? I have to get Sneezer on the line again. And Dr Scamandros.”
“Arthur, this is not—”
Dame Primus got no further as two of Arthur’s Legionary guards
