“Didn’t Nikky tell you my mother’s coming to stay?” he said.
“Uh-uh,” I said.
“She probably forgot,” said Andy. He lowered his voice. “It’s not surprising. Your mum’s got a lot on her mind.”
“Tell me about it,” I sighed. I filled a bowl with my favourite strawberry cereal and joined Callum in front of Live & Kicking.
“Hey, shorty!” I hissed. “What can I get Mum that’s like, old? Oh, I also need something blue?”
My brother frowned. “Andy’s got some stinky old cheese in the fridge,” he suggested. “That’s quite blue.” He suddenly remembered something. “You probably shouldn’t give it to Mum though. I heard her tell Andy to put it in the bin. She said it made her want to throw up, big time.”
I sighed. Looks like you’re on your own with this one Fliss, I told myself.
Andy popped his head round the door. “I’m just going to fetch my mum from the station. Anyone want to come?”
“ME ME ME!” yelled Callum, jumping up and down.
“How about you, Fliss?” Andy asked.
I pointed to my pink baby doll pyjamas. “I don’t think so, Andy,” I giggled.
Mum came scurrying back with the vacuum cleaner. She stared at me. “Why aren’t you dressed?”
“Duh! It’s Saturday,” I said. Then I saw what she was doing. “Mum, are you nuts? You vacuumed in here three minutes ago.”
Mum seemed amazed. “Are you sure?”
“Totally.”
Mum giggled. “Oops,” she said. “Look, Fliss, get a move on, there’s a love. Patsy will be here in half an hour.” She looked as if the very idea of meeting her future mother-in-law made her want to faint.
“I’m going, I’m going,” I grumbled. “You’re not the only person with stuff to do, you know,” I added mysteriously.
Personally I thought Patsy was an incredibly sad name for an adult, but apart from that, I was looking forward to meeting Andy’s mum. Maybe she could help me out with my four somethings. Plus, she’d probably bring us cool presents. After all, she was kind of our grandma.
Andy never talked much about his family. But it was obvious he totally worshipped his mum. Andy’s dad died when Andy was really little, so his mum brought him up by herself.
After my shower, I tried on practically everything in my wardrobe. In the end I decided to put on this new summer dress Mum got me in Leicester. I expect you can guess what colour it was!
Actually this particular dress is a really delicious pink, that delicate sugar-mouse colour which looks really perfect with blonde hair. Then I brushed my hair and fastened it back with some sweet little slides.
“Why haven’t we met Patsy before?” I asked, as Mum and I waited for everyone to arrive. “I mean, you and Andy have been together for AGES.”
But at that moment Mum vanished rather suddenly into the downstairs loo, so I never heard the answer to my question.
By the time she came out again, Andy’s car was pulling up outside. Then his mum got out (Durn durn DURN!) and I figured it out for myself in ten seconds flat.
I’d have probably figured it out sooner, but I was distracted by Patsy’s clothes at first. They were gorgeous – well, you know, for an old person. But then I got a good look at Patsy herself, and my heart sank.
You know how some people have naturally friendly faces? Well, Patsy Proudlove has a naturally UNfriendly face.
Mum rushed out and gave her a big hug. Patsy forced a smile, but you could see hugging wasn’t her favourite activity.
“And this is Fliss,” said Mum brightly.
“So I see,” said Patsy, as if she’d been spying on me by satellite and wasn’t too impressed.
“We’ve all been dying to meet you, Patsy,” said Mum.
Then we all stood around like a game of statues, and it was glaringly obvious that no-one could think of ANYTHING to say!
Andy rubbed his hands together, something I never ever saw him do before. “Well, isn’t this, er – great!” he beamed. “Shall we go into the living room, and catch up with everyone’s news?”
“I’d rather see my room first, if you don’t mind, dear,” said Patsy in a brisk voice. “And perhaps someone would show me where I can wash my hands. You wouldn’t believe the state of those trains.” And she said it as if the state of Britain’s trains was our fault!
Andy carried Patsy’s stuff up to the spare room. Patsy followed stiffly in her gorgeous clothes.
What’s her problem, I thought.
Without looking at me, Mum crossed the hall and moved a harmless little vase for absolutely no reason. “Erm, did you put out those guest towels like I asked you?” she said. She sounded really uptight.
I was getting that churning feeling. The one I get when Mum’s stressing about something and I don’t know what to do about it.
“Mum,” I whispered. “Is Patsy going to be staying here all week? You know, until the wedding?”
Mum looked shocked. “Where else would she stay? She is Andy’s mother. It’s really good of her to offer to lend us a hand.”
“Mmn,” I said in a neutral kind of voice. But what I was thinking was EEK! I’d rather win a night out with Darth Maul!!
Anyway, I won’t go into too many lurid details about our first day with Andy’s mum. All you need to know is that it was deeply depressing.
Patsy was the kind of person who has strong views on everything. Pop music, TV soaps, dog poo, you name it. And once she got started she just kept on and on, battering away at Mum like a bulldozer. And Mum just sat there, smiling bravely, and totally letting herself be bulldozed!
I kept expecting Andy to tell his mum where to get off, but it was like he didn’t even notice! And all at once these scary new thoughts came slithering into my mind like poisonous snakes. Like, what if Andy didn’t really love us after all?
I felt like I was seeing a totally different side of my almost-step-dad. I got the definite feeling that if you asked Andy to choose between us and his sour-puss mother, he’d root for her every time.
After lunch, I escaped into the kitchen to make tea for everyone. And can you believe Patsy had the nerve to follow me!
“No, no dear,” she said impatiently. “You’ve put enough water in that kettle to sink the Titanic. Do you think your stepfather’s made of money?”
That was the last straw. And the minute Patsy left the kitchen, I made a sneaky phone call to Rosie.
