demands. His mother, particularly, had asked a lot of questions, and Fliss had behaved as if only the older woman had had that right.
His appearance couldn’t have helped, he acknowledged. His shaved head—to remove any infestation of lice—and several days’ growth of beard on his chin must have looked strange. He looked like a savage, and even though he’d shaved his beard since it wasn’t much of an improvement. His hand had been shaking so much when he used the razor that his chin was now covered in cuts.
He supposed he was thinner, too, though that was less of a problem. He’d soon put on weight once he started eating normally again. And his muscles were hard from the physical regime he’d set himself. Apart from its obvious advantages, keeping fit had been another way of keeping sane.
But, dammit, he hadn’t been prepared for civilisation. Four years of living with a rebel army had taken their toll. Someone should have warned his wife that he wasn’t the man he used to be. He’d seen too many horrific sights, too much killing, to ever view his own life in quite the same way again.
He hunched his shoulders. They’d warned him, of course. Mdola, at first, and afterwards the British authorities in Lagos: they’d all tried to tell him that returning home after so long an absence was bound to cause problems he couldn’t foresee. It was going to take time to adapt, for him and for his family. That was why they’d brought him here to the air base at Craythorpe, for expert counselling. They wanted to assess his state of mind; make sure he was fit to live with normal people again.
He snorted. Mdola wouldn’t like that, he reflected. So far as he was concerned, it was the West who had been crazy for supporting Ungave’s regime. President Mdola now, Morgan thought, still finding the concept incredible. But he was happy for his friend, and proud of the victory he’d achieved.
Even if it bad screwed up his own life, he conceded. But then, he hadn’t known what was facing him when he’d left England. A normal life, he mused. What the hell was normal? If Fliss’s reaction was anything to go by, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
And it was the knowledge that there had been no real communication between him and his wife that was causing him so much soul-searching now. The truth was, he supposed, that Fliss’s attitude had struck at the core of his manhood. Her apathy had made him doubt whether he was still a man.
As if he didn’t have enough doubts of his own.
It was stupid, he knew, to allow her behaviour to affect him. Fliss was still in a state of shock; he’d seen that right away. It was ironic, really, because he’d had doubts about his own feelings. He’d even convinced himself at times that he didn’t have feelings any more.
Now, all he could think of was, what had she been doing while she’d thought he was dead? It occurred to him that she might even have got married again. God, was that why she’d been so reticent the day before? Because she didn’t know how to tell him the truth?
He realised now that secretly he’d always believed she’d be there waiting for him. That he’d harboured the thought that what they’d had had been so special, she’d never seek consolation in the arms of another man. But the woman he’d met the previous afternoon had behaved as if they were merely distant acquaintances. Had she been wearing his ring? He couldn’t even remember if she had.
A group of servicemen crossed the parade ground outside at that moment, and Morgan drew back into the shadows of the room, loath to be observed gazing out. The men glanced his way and he guessed his arrival had caused quite an upheaval. The base wasn’t large and it wasn’t every day they entertained a psycho like him.
He raked unsteady hands over his scalp, feeling the strange prickle of stubble beneath his palms. Once his hair grew back, he’d look less like a gorilla. He might even feel less like one, too, he thought, expelling a weary breath.
Apparently, there was a band of cameramen and media people camped outside the gates of the air base. He wondered if his mother had told him that to compensate for what she’d said about his memorial stone. In any event, all it had done was make him feel even more of a misfit He didn’t like the thought that they were waiting, like jackals, to attack.
He turned back into the room, surveying its bright interior without enthusiasm. The room was comfortable and warm, but impersonal. It was part of the medical facility here at the base and although it was furnished as a sitting room it was just another hospital room.
There was only one familiar item in the room and that was the picture his mother had brought of his and Fliss’s wedding. It showed himself and his wife and his parents, a group photograph taken outside the small church at Tudor Cross. He and Fliss had been married from his parents’ home because Fliss’s parents couldn’t be present. Her father had been killed when she was still at college, and her mother had married again soon afterwards and gone to live in the United States.
They’d been so happy on that day, he thought painfully. They’d been living together for over a year, but they’d both wanted to make that commitment, and they’d been sure their marriage would last. Of course, she hadn’t wanted him to go away, but that had been their only real quarrel. He’d had every intention of making it up to her when he got back.
When he got back...
The thought stuck unpleasantly in his throat, and, putting it aside, he concentrated on his parents’ images instead. They had aged in the last four years, he conceded. His father was quite grey now, yet when this photograph was taken his hair had been a lighter shade of ash than his son’s.
Though God knew what colour his hair would be when it grew back, Morgan reflected impatiently. The way he was feeling now, it should be white. Only Fliss didn’t look any different from what he remembered. She’d let her hair grow, of course, but apart from that she didn’t seem to have changed.
She was so beautiful; so God-damned beautiful, and he knew an uncharacteristic desire to tear the photograph in half. In God’s name, he thought bitterly, what was going to become of them? Had she really only been tense, or was she actually living with another man?
His mouth tightened. Dammit, he had to stop torturing himself like this. He had to concentrate on getting well. The dysentery he’d been suffering from had gone, but the doctors here had warned him it would take time before he could cope with the ordinary demands of living. Even being in crowds disturbed him, and the occasional spells of panic that had punctuated his period of confinement were not likely to disappear overnight.
He flung himself onto the worn hide sofa and reached for the remote-control pad. Surfing through the television’s channels, he felt his thoughts drifting away again. He had found it almost impossible to concentrate on anything since he got back, the pages of the journal that had been his lifeline still lying untouched in his bag.
They’d given him a watch and he glanced at it now, wondering how long it had been since lunch. He’d been told to rest before his next session with the therapist, but despite the pills they’d given him he found it hard to sleep.
The strap of the watch felt unfamiliar on his wrist, but he didn’t take it off. His mother had said they’d found the remains of the Cartier watch they’d given him for his thirtieth birthday in the burnt-out shell of the automobile. It was that as much as anything that had persuaded Ungave’s men that he was dead.
He shuddered, and the taste of the chicken soup they’d served him at lunch suddenly burned the back of his throat. Nausea, like a chilling wave, swept over him, leaving his skin clammy and his forehead moist with sweat. It was images like that that the doctors were trying to get him to talk about. He’d been
