was fuming, my nostrils flaring with each angry breath. “You fucked someone else. Tell me why.”
He said nothing.
“Tell me why! Wasn’t I good enough for you? Lord knows you always acted like sex wasn’t the be-all and end-all, so why the hell would you end up in someone else’s bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” I gaped at him. “What—were you abducted by aliens who removed your brain?”
Andrew said nothing.
“Was it a one-night stand?” I demanded. “Some slut you met out at some club?”
Nothing.
My stomach sank. “Someone you met at the hotel?”
Andrew didn’t reply.
An awful thought hit me, as painful as if Andrew had slapped me across the face. “She wasn’t a one-night stand…. Oh, God.”
Groaning, Andrew ran a hand over his face. “It’s not like…it’s not like it meant anything.”
“My God, you’re a walking fucking cliché.”
“Jesus, Sophie. Can we just…can we talk? I know I was wrong. I made a huge mistake.”
“I’ve heard enough bullshit from you.” I was cursing like a trucker, but I was angry.
“I’m trying to do the right thing here.” Andrew sounded exasperated. “That’s why I told you about it. I wanted you to hear it from me.”
Several beats passed. I was so livid, I was shaking. I needed to calm down. Not for Andrew’s sake, but for mine.
I drew in deep breaths, trying to bring myself to a better place. I wondered if I’d ever find a better place again.
“I thought I knew you,” I said. “I thought you loved me.”
“You think I don’t love you?” Andrew asked. “That’s the reason I’m telling you—because I love you. And I want to make this right.”
Make this right… As if it were so simple. As if what he’d done could be undone.
“Get out,” I told him.
He looked stunned. “What?”
“I want you gone. Out of my life. Forever, you son of a bitch.”
But even as I said the words, I couldn’t imagine a life without Andrew. Just a few months ago, Andrew and I had talked about finally having children. After having devoted the first eight years of our marriage to building up a nest egg, we were ready.
I drew in another breath and held it until my lungs burned. I didn’t want to cry, but damn it…Andrew had destroyed everything.
The dam broke on my last bit of self-control, and I began to weep. Huge, chest-heaving sobs.
Andrew gathered me in his arms and, though I wanted to, I had no energy to push him away. He held my head against his body and I cried until no more tears would come.
“God,” Andrew moaned. He stroked my hair lovingly, as though he were consoling me for an entirely different reason. “This is the last thing I wanted. To hurt you like this.”
His words pierced my heart. I took a step backward, wiping tears from my face. Somehow I was calm when I asked, “How did you think that cheating wouldn’t hurt me?”
“I know, I know. I sound like a moron. I’m just saying…all I can say is that I’m sorry.”
Feeling cold, I hugged my torso. Though I knew my arms wouldn’t keep me warm when the cold was emanating from inside me. “Sorry can’t erase something like this.”
Andrew nodded. “I get it.”
“Oh, stop giving me that look.”
“What look?”
“That wounded look. As if this is hurting you more than it’s hurting me.”
“I’m hurting too,” Andrew said softly.
“I’m sure it’s been tough,” I retorted, turning away. I couldn’t stand looking at my husband. Looking at him and knowing that the man I loved had betrayed me.
Slowly, I walked toward the wall near the bedroom door. Drained, I leaned against it for support.
Andrew followed me, but he stayed a few steps away from me. “I told you because I wanted to. Because you deserved to know. And because I hoped that somewhere in your heart, you could find a way to forgive me for being so weak. And stupid. I messed up, but this doesn’t have to be the end of our marriage.”
“Wow. Thanks for the heartfelt, unbiased advice, you asshole. Don’t you dare tell me how I should feel and what I should do, because I’m going to decide what happens next. You don’t get to have an affair and still make the decisions about our future. If you cared about our future, you never would have done something so…” My voice trailed off. I stifled a cry.
Andrew reached for me. “Baby.”
“Fuck you!” I snapped. The anger was back. Big time. “Now leave. Because I can’t stand the sight of you.”
3
I didn’t ask where Andrew was going. I didn’t care. He could be running straight to his girlfriend and planning to serve me with divorce papers, it didn’t matter. If he wanted that slut he’d screwed, he could have her.
That’s what I told myself, but in my heart I didn’t believe my bold words. I might have wanted to hate Andrew for turning my world upside down, but a person can’t turn her feelings off in an instant. The truth was, I loved him, and that made the pain infinitely more intense. That and the fact that what he’d done had come as an utter shock. I thought that Andrew and I had a good, happy marriage. And people in happy marriages don’t cheat.
I spent the night alternately crying, fuming and wishing I could start this day over. I’d give anything to be back in the Bahamas, hungover and sleep deprived. At least then I’d been sleep deprived because I’d been overdosing on fun.
Now, as sunlight spilled through the blinds signaling morning, I felt nauseous and numb. My throat was parched, and my stomach was lurching. I needed water. Something inside my stomach. But I didn’t have energy to even get out of bed.
Why? That was the question I asked myself in the moments I wasn’t crying or dozing. Why would Andrew do this to me? To us. And he had the audacity to claim that he still wanted to be with me, wanted our marriage.
I didn’t understand.
My head hurt from thinking about Andrew’s bombshell, so I closed my eyes. Closed my eyes and willed the pain to dissipate.
I must have drifted off, because I jolted awake
