Chapter 20
I owe it all to Maz (aka Mum).
I’ve hated weddings for as long as I can remember.
Everything about them sets my teeth on edge: the meringue-like wedding dresses, the cheesy first dance, the dreaded walk down the aisle and especially the quiet notion that the marriage will be over in a few months’ time. At those weddings, it can feel like all the fuss is for nothing, given that the happy couple will soon be battling it out in divorce court to see who keeps the cat.
So as you can imagine, I was less than thrilled to find myself as a bridesmaid at my mum’s seventh – yes, seventh wedding.
As the organ began to play the all-too-familiar bridal march, I walked down the aisle, clutching my bouquet of lilies so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I tried to keep my gaze on where I was heading, but couldn’t resist throwing sideways glances at the guests gathered in St Mark’s Church. Everyone on my mum’s side of the room gazed at me with a nostalgic fondness that misted their eyes and made them whisper shared stories with each other. On Boring Brian’s side, however, I was regarded with a silent suspicion. They’d made no secret about the fact they hated their beloved son’s choice of bride. It wasn’t her multiple marriages that bothered them though, it was me. I’d overheard his mum and dad talking about it at the engagement party.
‘She could’ve been married as many times as Zsa Zsa bloody Gabor for all I care; I don’t want our Brian having to bring up another man’s kid!’ his mum Rosemary had sniped.
At the time, I’d wanted to point out that at twenty-six, I didn’t need “bringing up”, least of all from Boring Brian, but I’d left it. No matter what my opinion of him and his awful family was, he seemed to make Mum happy. God knew she deserved it, after some of the things she’d been through.
I dragged my thoughts back to the present moment; namely so I could concentrate on not tripping over my teal bridesmaid’s dress. Mum would never forgive me if I ruined her big moment. The weight of everyone’s stares began to freak me out and I thought about sprinting the rest of the way to the altar. If there was one thing I hated, it was being the centre of attention.
Luckily, as I approached the end of my journey, I saw two familiar and very welcome faces: my best friends Max and Gwen. They’d both craned their necks to see me walk down the aisle and were both grinning like Cheshire cats. I breathed a sigh of relief as I reached the altar: I could never have got through today without them. When I took my place, I caught Max’s eye and he winked at me.
After the rest of the bridesmaids and the flower girls and pageboy had all walked in, everybody stood up and turned their attention to the back of the church. My mum was about to make her grand entrance. She appeared at the church doors and I couldn’t help but smile; she looked absolutely beautiful. Her ivory dress was made of satin, not at all meringue-like and elegant in an understated way. Yep, I thought, this was my favourite out of all her wedding dresses. Her face was perfectly composed as she floated down the aisle, despite looks of disapproval from her soon-to-be mother-in-law.
‘At least she didn’t have the nerve to wear white,’ I heard her mutter to her husband Brian Senior.
The muscles in my jaw clenched as I fought the urge to say something. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be part of their family, but at least I had the decency to keep my mouth shut about it.
Mum reached the altar and a bright, beaming smile swept across her face when she saw Boring Brian. His round face was beetroot red with excitement and I could see the joy in his tiny blue eyes despite his glasses being steamed up. All in all, he reminded me of a Percy Pig sweet.
They faced each other at the altar and the minister motioned for the congregation to sit down.
‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Theresa Kathleen Clements and Brian Harold Ford…’
The ceremony went without a hitch. Nobody burst through the church doors, begging Mum not to go through with it (that had happened at wedding number four though; the guy ended up being husband number five). After the happy couple said “I do”, we all went to a local hotel for the reception. While my mum and Brian were being congratulated by hordes of guests, I sloped off to join my two best friends for a much-needed drink.
‘Vodka and lemonade, no ice,’ Max said when I got to the bar. He held the glass out for me to take.
‘You’re a lifesaver!’ I took it from him and gulped it down in one go.
‘Easy tiger, they’ve not even had their first dance yet!’ Gwen motioned to the unbelievably hot bartender for another drink.
‘If I never go to another wedding, it’ll be too soon!’ I heaved a sigh and slipped off the horribly uncomfortable white court shoes I’d been wearing all day. The leather had made my feet swell up and my heels had rubbed against the back, so I had two beautiful blisters. Thanks Mum.
‘You’re a bit of an expert at these, aren’t you Munchkin?’ Max slung an arm round my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug.
‘That’s an understatement! I’m sure I must be half wedding cake by now.’
Gwen handed me another drink, like a best friend should. ‘So Boring Brian’s your stepdad now. How are you feeling about that?’
I shrugged and pulled a noncommittal face. Try as I might, I just couldn’t summon up any strong emotions towards Boring Brian. His mum made my blood boil, but he
