like my parents.’ I laughed and hooked my arm into hers for extra warmth. ‘So, back to you, are you getting nervous for the big day?’
‘What, the wedding?’ She looked at me in surprise.
‘No!’ I slapped a gloved hand to my forehead. What was it with all this wedding talk? ‘Marie, there is no wedding until you get engaged first.’
‘Oh yeah.’ She shrugged. ‘That’s just a slight bump in the road. Mike will ask me. I bet there’s been some scientific tests done to prove that more couples get engaged just after they’ve had a baby than at any other time in a relationship. I mean, at that point, the guys are just in total awe of you for pushing out their child in one piece from your lady parts. You can do no wrong.’
‘I have no doubt that he’ll be putting a ring on your finger before this year is out. But no, I was talking about the actual birth. Are you not slightly cacking your pants in fear of doing all that again?’ I rubbed her arms that had tensed against the bars of the pushchair. Cole’s birth hadn’t been easy. There had been complications and we had very nearly lost the pair of them, something that we’d long brushed under the carpet but that still sent a chill down my spine when I thought about it.
I’d never seen my best friend so distraught as when her newborn son was kept under observation for a few days after his dramatic arrival, and despite making what the doctors classed as a miraculous and speedy recovery herself, she had been in pieces that she was to blame for his terrifying entrance into the world. She’d tortured herself by staring at his tiny, fragile body attached to tubes and wires in the incubator, repeating that she hadn’t taken good enough care of herself during the pregnancy, that because she didn’t find out she was expecting until she was fourteen weeks gone, she had caused too much irreversible damage by drinking on a couple of nights out that we’d been on.
It was all bollocks, and the doctors could tell her until they were blue in the face that no one was to blame, it was just one of those things, but until Cole had grown strong enough to leave the sterile incubator and come home she didn’t dare relax. This was why she’d been so strict with herself during this pregnancy; everything had to be done by the book. It was something Mike had lost patience with a few times, telling her to stop stressing and start enjoying the whole thing, but Marie had been steadfast that this birth was going to make up for the experience she’d had with Cole – that it was going to go to plan and be as perfect as it could be.
I couldn’t tell if it was the grubby light of the park or if she had suddenly gone very pale. ‘Nah.’ She brushed a strand of her ruby-red hair off her face and swallowed.
‘Marie? It’s okay to be frightened,’ I said softly.
She stopped waddling and turned to face me. Tears had pricked her tired eyes and the tip of her nose was a raspberry pink from the cold air. ‘I’m shitting myself, Georgia. But I can’t let myself be scared. I’ve done it once so I know the score, but in a way that’s made it even more terrifying as I know exactly what to expect and, ignore the awful pun, but it’s not a walk in the park.’ She let out a laugh that I didn’t recognise as hers. Suddenly my bolshie fiery redhead regressed to the skinny-legged teen desperate to be an A plus student that I knew and loved. I wrapped my arms around her, difficult to do with the many layers she had on and the large bump between us.
‘It’s okay to be scared. But you’re going to nail it. I know you are.’
She sniffed and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her coat. ‘Thanks. I hope you’re right. Everyone says it’s worth the pain for what you get at the end of it, and I know that’s true, but at the same time it really fucking hurts! That’s what I mean about my body not being my own. I have no control over what’s going to happen to it when I go into labour and I just have to hope that it’ll do what it’s biologically designed to.’
I nodded fervently. ‘You will be amazing. Mike will probably propose to you right then and there at seeing what an awesome gift you’ve given him.’
Her lips curled into a slow smile. ‘It will get me out of doing the chores for a good couple of months, at the very least.’
I shook my head. ‘I seriously don’t know how you’re going to do it with two children under the age of four! I mean, I find just being in charge of me exhausting.’ I wished that I was half joking about this. ‘Stop laughing, I’m being serious! I still get spots, I use Google to find the answers to things way more than I probably should, and I don’t know how to correctly pronounce quinoa or what the hell it even is. Then here’s you totally nailing the yummy mummy thing. Soon you’ll be all National Trust memberships, Saabs and Waitrose cards!’
She laughed and patted my arm. ‘I doubt it! Anyway, your life is great, you know it is. It makes me jealous to remember being able to book a last-minute holiday, head out for drinks on a weeknight or even leave the house without some military-style plan. Just don’t leave it too long till you join my club. I mean maybe Lazy-Eye Lorraine is right. This whole birth thing is just so bloody magical.’
We both broke into peals of laughter and picked up our pace to head back to hers for a steaming mug of tea and some chocolate Hobnobs. As we trudged down the muddy path to the main road I just wasn’t sure why I felt niggling doubts creeping in. I loved hanging out with my best friend but she did have a habit of speaking the truth; at times this dose of reality was hard to swallow. Maybe Marie was right, maybe I shouldn’t think about marrying Ben when there were so many unanswered questions between us.
All the talk of babies made me feel itchy, a feeling that made me realise I wasn’t ready for children, not just yet, but marriage wasn’t a complete no-no. Although maybe Marie was right: as loved up as I felt we had only just moved in together and were still discovering things about each other. Maybe I needed to silence the ding dong of wedding bells in my head and think rationally about what this engagement would mean for us and the changes it would cause. When things were going so well why did any of it have to change?
Callow (adj.) – Immature or lacking adult sophistication
‘I still can’t believe you’re getting engaged!’ Shelley squealed.
I gave Marie a look.
‘What? I couldn’t not tell her.’ She put her arms up in defence.
‘Well, I’m not engaged yet,’ I said straightening my work skirt. ‘And please, please don’t mention it to Jimmy. I can’t have Ben finding out that I know and ruin the proposal he has planned.’ I winced.
Shelley placed my hands in hers and nodded firmly. ‘Scout’s honour. Ah, this is so exciting though! Where do you think you’ll get married? Ah, I know! What about Thailand? Where you met? I could just see the pair of you walking hand in hand down the white shores of Koh Lanta to tie the knot, then heading back to the Blue Butterfly for a knees-up after. I’m sure Dara would be thrilled to help out, plus Chef would make a fantastic wedding cake. Oh and then we could let off lanterns into the sky as you two have your first dance.’ She glanced at mine and Marie’s faces as if she’d missed the memo. ‘What? You don’t think it’s exciting?’
‘Yeah, course it is. I’m just a little wary after what happened last time.’ Since I’d left Marie’s I’d been thinking about what she’d said. She was right to be concerned. I did need to think with my heart and my head, rather than be blinded by the gorgeous ring that Ben was soon going to present to me.
‘Ah
