Well, I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, Ben. You made your feelings perfectly clear when I came to see you. You didn’t believe me when I told you I was expecting your child, or at least, that was the line you fed me.’
‘It wasn’t a line. I didn’t believe you.’
The conviction in his voice cut through her anger and she stared at him in shock. ‘You really mean that, don’t you?’
‘Oui. I had no reason to believe what you were saying but every reason to doubt it.’ He paused and she sensed that he found it difficult to continue but she refused to help him. Why should she make this easier for him when he had been so cruel to her?
‘I had cancer when I was in my twenties. After I’d finished my treatment, I was told that I could never father a child.’ He looked her in the eyes and she could see the pain in his. ‘That was why I didn’t believe you, Emily. I couldn’t accept that the child you were carrying was mine when I’d been told it could never happen.’
CHAPTER FOUR
‘CANCER!’
Ben could hear the shock in Emily’s voice and his heart contracted in sudden dread. The main reason why he avoided mentioning that he’d had cancer was because of the reaction it aroused. People feared cancer more than anything else and their response simply heightened his feeling of vulnerability. Although he’d been effectively cleared of the cancer, the thought that it might return was always at the back of his mind. He knew that his response wasn’t unusual; he’d met other cancer survivors and they had felt the same. Not even being told that they were cured could completely remove the last vestiges of fear.
‘Oui. I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma,’ he said flatly, not wanting to go down that route. He needed to tell Emily the facts as emotionlessly as possible and see where they went from there. ‘It was treated successfully. However, the drugs I was given left me infertile… or so I believed.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Emily took a deep breath and he saw a little colour come back to her face. ‘Obviously, that does help to explain why you reacted the way you did when I came to see you…’
‘Yes, it does!’ he said urgently, wondering if this was the opening he needed.
‘However, it doesn’t excuse it. You never gave me a chance, Ben, never even considered the possibility that I was telling you the truth. You’d been told you couldn’t father a child so that meant I was lying.’ She stared at him and the absence of warmth in her eyes sent a chill through him. ‘It proves how little you knew me, how little you cared to know.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘Isn’t it? I disagree. I was just a convenience to you, someone you slept with, someone you never intended to see again once you left here.’
‘You make it sound so… so cold blooded,’ he protested and she shrugged.
‘I’m merely being truthful. We had an affair and that was it. There was never any talk of us staying together, was there?’
‘Perhaps we did not discuss it but neither did we rule it out,’ he countered and she laughed.
‘Oh, well done. I believe that’s called thinking on your feet. You don’t want to antagonise me so you’ve decided to put a spin on things.’
‘No, I don’t want to antagonise you, Emily. It’s the last thing I want to do.’ The comment had touched a nerve. Maybe there was some truth in what she’d said, but the situation wasn’t as clear cut as she believed. Although he may not have been able to offer her more than the few glorious weeks they’d had, it didn’t mean he hadn’t wanted to.
It was another thought he didn’t want to dwell on and he hurried on. ‘I want us to talk, Emily. I want us to try and reach some sort of agreement to help us deal with this situation.’
‘And what if I don’t want to talk? What if I feel that it would be better for everyone if you went back to Paris and carried on with your life—then what will you do?’
‘Try to change your mind, and if that doesn’t work, take whatever steps are necessary.’ His tone was flat which was surprising when he seemed to be a seething mass of emotions inside. Emily’s antipathy couldn’t be plainer. That was painful enough, but the fact that it was bound to have an effect on his hopes of building a relationship with Theo made it so much worse.
‘I intend to be involved in my son’s life whether you like the idea or not. I may be at fault for not believing you were carrying my child but there is nothing I can do about that now except explain my reasons and apologise. However, if you deny me access then I warn you that I shall fight you, Emily.’
Emily felt a rush of panic assail her. She hadn’t meant to stir up such a reaction but it seemed she had. She bit her lip, hating the feeling that she’d been backed into a corner. She needed time to think, time to work out how she felt. Learning that Ben had had cancer was a huge shock and she knew that it had made a difference. She needed to get that straight in her head before she did anything else.
‘Look, this is all getting out of hand,’ she began then stopped when Theo appeared, carrying his empty cereal bowl.
‘Finished, Mummy,’ he said, handing it to her before looking curiously at the man standing on the step.
Emily felt her heart catch when once again she was made aware of the resemblance between them. With his black curls, olive skin and huge dark eyes, Theo was the image of his father. Ben obviously realised it too because an expression of amazement crossed his face once more.
‘Bonjour, Theo. How are you today?’ he asked softly, bending down. He ran his finger down the little boy’s cheek and Emily felt a rush of tears fill her eyes when she saw him shudder. It was the first time Ben had actually touched his son and it was obvious that the contact had affected him deeply. It was only when Theo backed away, sheltering shyly behind her legs, that she collected herself. It was Theo who mattered most. How Ben did or didn’t feel wasn’t important.
She scooped the little boy into her arms and cuddled him close. Although Theo was a friendly, outgoing child with people he knew, he tended to be wary around strangers and she didn’t want him getting upset. She looked Ben firmly in the eyes, determined to start the way she intended to go on. ‘I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I have things to do and I can’t spare the time to stand here talking to you.’
‘Really?’ Ben’s expression darkened as he straightened. ‘And when will you have the time, Emily?’
‘I’m not sure.’ She went to close the door, stopping when he put out his hand.
‘That’s not good enough, I’m afraid. We need to talk and I have no intention of allowing you to fob me off.’
‘The way you fobbed me off in Paris,’ she shot back and he flinched.
‘I have already apologised for that. If you want me to apologise again then I shall. I am very sorry for the way I behaved that day. I was unnecessarily harsh, even though at the time I truly believed I had every right to be.’
The words were faultless; however the tone of his voice told a very different story and her mouth compressed. Ben may be paying lip service to an apology
