returning with a bright smile and an air of strain.
Once, when Mark had gone to bed and a chilly spell had made them light the log fire and stretch out on the old sofa before it, she asked him, ‘Justin, how long can you go on like this?’
He shrugged. At one time it would have seemed dismissive, but now she understood his confusion.
‘As long as there is,’ he said. ‘What else can I do?’
‘The first time I saw you I thought how angry you were. As I came to know you better I realised that you were angry all the time. No matter what happens it’s always there below the surface, waiting for something to trigger it, never giving you any peace.’
‘I’m sorry I lost it today—’
‘That’s all right. You said sorry at the time, and you bought Mark that computer game to make up for it.’
‘Yes, and he put it on my computer and I couldn’t get to it for hours,’ he said with resignation. ‘Be fair, I didn’t lose my temper about that.’
‘No, you showed the patience of a saint. You even let him teach you the game and beat you.’
He managed a faint grin. ‘I didn’t let him beat me. He beat me. And he enjoyed crowing at my expense. He’s a great kid, Evie. I even think—’
‘No,’ she said urgently. ‘You’re not going to change the subject. It’s you we’re talking about. You’re not happy—’
‘Yes, I am,’ he said, tightening his arms about her. ‘A little more of Dr Evie’s Magic Balm and I’ll be sweetness and light all the time.’
‘Not in a million years! Besides, I don’t think I’d like you as sweetness and light. I wouldn’t recognise you, for one thing.’ He gave a muffled laugh against her hair. ‘Besides, a magic balm only works on the outside. You need something to work on the inside.’
‘Evie, I’m not ill.’
‘You’re being devoured alive, and that’s a kind of sickness.’
‘You do the psycho-babble very well,’ he said lightly.
But she would not let him put her off. ‘Stop that,’ she said urgently. ‘I know what you’re trying to do.’
‘You know everything, don’t you?’
‘I said stop it. You’re trying to distract me because you don’t want to confront it.’
‘All right, I don’t,’ he growled. ‘Why the hell should I want to?’
‘Because you’ll never resolve it otherwise.’
‘What is there to resolve? It’s the situation. It’s my life. It can’t be resolved.’
‘Maybe it can.’
‘Evie, listen. I know you mean well, but you have to play the hand you’re dealt. You can play it well or badly, but you can’t change the hand you start with.’
‘But you can investigate it. And then, maybe, you’ll discover you weren’t dealt the hand you thought.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘I mean you should find out about your real mother, who she was, and why she couldn’t keep you.’
He stared at her. ‘Are you crazy?’
‘No, but you might be if you try to carry this burden any longer. I think you’re already starting to break under it.’
It was a risky thing to say. She waited. He gave her a black look, but he didn’t deny it.
‘Haven’t you ever tried to find her?’
‘Why would I want to find her?’ he growled. ‘So that I can say, “Hey, why did you toss me out with the junk? C’mon tell me, and that’ll make it all right”?’
‘But there might be things she could tell you that would make you understand her better. Perhaps she had no choice. She was probably a young unmarried mother and it was very much harder for them in those days. At least try. It might make more difference than you think.’
‘How could it? She gave me up. There’s no way past that.’
‘There is if she didn’t want to give you up. She might have been pressured beyond endurance.’
‘I’d like to see anyone try to pressure me to give up my son.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ she blazed. ‘That is absolutely the stupidest thing I have ever heard anyone say. We’re talking about a vulnerable girl. You’re a grown man at the height of his powers. Nobody can bully you.’
‘You’re not doing badly.’
‘I’m not bullying you, I’m just pointing out facts.’
‘Right now I’m not sure there’s a difference,’ he said, eyeing her cautiously.
‘Just because you can stand up to people it doesn’t mean everyone else can. Honestly, Justin, that remark was plain idiotic.’
‘All right,’ he said harshly. ‘I admit it. I was trying to get you off the subject. Do you think I want to let strangers poke and pry into my private life? Can you imagine how hard it was even to tell you? Suppose she wasn’t a vulnerable girl. Suppose she was someone who just didn’t want to bother.’
‘All right, it’s possible, but then I don’t think she’d have given her baby away in secret. She’d simply have called social services. But neither of us really knows. That’s why it’s vital to find out.’
‘You’re forgetting that she never registered my birth. In a sense I never existed. All those agencies for reuniting people with their mothers can’t help a man whose mother’s name isn’t on his birth certificate.’
‘That’s going to make it more difficult,’ she conceded. ‘But not impossible. I’ve got a friend that I’d like to give this to. He’s a private detective, and he’s brilliant.’
He was silent, racked by doubt. Evie could almost feel the violence of his feelings tearing him in opposite directions.
‘I can see to everything,’ she urged. ‘You give me all the details and I’ll talk to him. You won’t even have to meet him if you don’t want to.’
‘All right,’ he said softly. ‘If I can leave everything in your hands, I’ll do it.’
She held him close, praying that she’d done the right thing for him. If it turned out badly, she might have made his troubles a thousand times worse. But she knew that he couldn’t go much longer.
It was time to leave the cottage and return to London. Evie took a last look around, thinking of how she’d arrived here meaning to pack up and say goodbye. And now there were to be no sad goodbyes. At least, not to the cottage.
