into her. Later, after they have both come and Emma has retrieved her underwear from the nose of an indignant looking giant toy frog they won on a trip to Brighton, they lay together like spoons, both heavy and warm with sleep.
‘I do love you,’ says Emma, reaching an arm up to stroke his face.
‘‘Course you do,’ says Martin and she can feel the grin on his face. ‘I’m bloody lovely.’
Rachel throws miscellaneous chunks of Lego and tiny dolls’ shoes into whichever receptacle is nearest.
‘Glass of wine?’ asks Steve.
‘Lovely,’ she answers without looking up.
He returns smiling, placing the glasses on the coffee table and stretching out an arm to her. ‘What a day eh? At least Alfie’s OK though.’
Rachel nods, accepting the embrace for a second and then pulling away. ‘Just got to reclaim the living room before I sit down.’
‘Sure, sweet-cheeks, you do what you godda do,’ says Steve turning on the TV and flicking to the sports news.
‘Maaaarm!’ yells a small voice from the top of the stairs.
‘Alfie,’ says Rachel in a weary voice.
‘I’ll go. You sit,’ says Steve.
Rachel accepts with gratitude, slumping onto the sofa and sipping her wine.
‘He’s fine. He’d just dropped Raggy,’ reports Steve on his return.
‘Good. Thanks. So, do you want to watch Grey’s Anatomy or The Wire? I’ve got them both on Sky Plus.’
‘Actually Rach, I need to talk to you.’
She looks at his weary face and realises how little she actually looks at him these days. The early months of their relationship had been spent memorising every part of each other’s face and body, but with time and children their faces became somewhat obscured as they were replaced by younger, smaller and more impatient versions of themselves. Looking at him now, she recognises the man she fell for, but his face is punctuated with more lines and his eyes are underlined with purple-grey shadows. She looked at her own face in the mirror recently and had been shocked when she realised that the lines were now caused by too much frowning rather than too much laughter.
‘OK, sounds serious. What’s up?’
‘Well –’ Steve looks unsure where to begin and Rachel is starting to feel a little worried.
‘You’re having an affair? With Kate Winslet? Again?’
Rachel’s attempt at humour makes Steve smile, but only just.
‘Yeah, but apart from that. It’s about work. They want to promote me.’
‘Wow, that’s fantastic! Congratulations! To do what?’
‘To open up a new office.’
‘Brilliant. Where?’
‘Edinburgh.’
‘What?’
‘I know. It’s a long way from everything but it’s a huge step up and a big pay rise.’
‘It’s in Scotland.’
‘I know, but it could be fantastic.’
‘How?’
‘It’s an amazing city.’
‘It’s in Scotland.’
‘I know.’
‘That’s north of here.’
‘Yes but –’
‘Where it rains.’
‘OK, but –’
‘A lot.’
‘Look, Rachel, I knew you’d be like this but I’d at least like to discuss it rationally.’
‘Oh, so I’m irrational now, am I?’
‘A tad.’
‘You want to drag your family a billion miles up north for the sake of your career?’
‘No, of course not, but we do need to consider our future and I am the breadwinner.’
‘Yeah and don’t I know it!’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I’ve given up everything for this family. Everything. You just don’t get it, do you?’
‘Not very often, no.’
‘Ha bloody ha. So that’s my lack of job and sex drive at fault, is it? I mean, do you ever actually think about me or what I need?’
‘That’s why I’m trying to talk to you. Why do you always get like this?’
Rachel can’t speak. She lets out an enraged yelp like a trapped animal and storms out. The phone interrupts her moment of fury and she snatches it to her ear.
‘Hello?’ she says.
‘Rachel, darling?’ trills her mother oblivious to her daughter’s tone.
‘Oh hi, Mum.’
‘We just wanted to check how Alfred is.’
‘He’s fine thank you. He’s sleeping.’
‘And what about my other naughty grandchildren?’
‘Naughty.’
‘Excellent. Now darling, listen, we need to take that sister of yours in hand. I thought a spot of dress shopping might be in order.’
‘OK.’ Rachel can’t even muster any glee at the thought.
‘Super. I’ll call Emma and set a date.’
‘OK. Mum?’
‘Yes, darling?’
‘Nothing.’
‘All right. Kisses to the children.’
‘Will do. Give our love to Dad.’
‘I will if I can ever persuade him to come out from behind the Telegraph.’
Rachel replaces the receiver feeling about three years old again and wishing that there was someone to look after her. She can’t remember a time when she felt anything less than exhausted. She loves her kids and Steve but can’t always find the energy to tell them. She feels so far away from her previous life of skinny cappuccinos
