the hell do you think you are, manhandling me like that?’ she snarled like a small cat that had been backed into a corner.
‘I’m sorry but it was the only way to stop you saying something stupid,’ he shot back with a sad lack of tact.
‘Don’t you dare call me stupid.’
‘I’m sorry! OK?’ He took a deep breath and counted to ten when he realised he’d shouted back at her. Nobody had ever been able to rile him the way Holly could. She’d always possessed the ability to make him respond to her whether it was in anger or in passion.
His brain captured that last word and ran away with it. Ben’s heart raced as he suddenly recalled how it had been between them in the past, how easily their passion for each other had been roused. All he’d had to do had been to touch her—just the lightest, most delicate of touches, too—and sparks had ignited. They used to joke about it, in fact, one of those silly jokes that lovers shared about lighting the blue touch paper and standing back, and the memory brought a rush of tears to his eyes.
How he ached to relive the passion they had once shared, to run his hands over her skin and watch her body coming to life, feel her hands caressing him and making him feel whole again. Holly could make him feel as he’d used to feel, like someone who didn’t need to be afraid of what the future held. She could give him back his life and the thought filled him with despair because there was no way that he could let her do that for him. Even though his consultant had told him the prognosis was good, there was no guarantee that his cancer wouldn’t return. He could never get involved with Holly again because he wouldn’t take the risk of breaking her heart a second time.
‘Ben, what’s the matter? Ben!’
Holly could feel a lump of fear in the pit of her stomach. Ben didn’t say a word and the sight of him standing there with tears in his eyes was more than she could bear. She put her arms around him and hugged him because there was no other way she could think of that might help. Ben had always been so strong in the past and to see him looking so afraid now almost broke her heart.
‘It’s OK,’ she murmured, reaching up to stroke his hair. Ben had always worn his hair short but it was shorter than ever now, she realised in surprise, and the texture felt different, too, far less silky and a lot coarser than it had been.
Oddly unsettled by the discovery, she let her hands move down to his shoulders and was alarmed to discover how bony they felt. He was still wearing his flight-suit but not even the bulky clothing could disguise his thinness. She could feel his hip bones jutting into her, feel the hard sinews in his thighs pressing against her own, and sucked in a small breath because the intimacy of their position wasn’t lost on her. However, she was more concerned about the changes in his physique to worry about anything else right then.
She ran an exploratory hand down his back and frowned when she felt the ridges that marked each separate vertebra and rib. It was obvious that he’d had lost a great deal of weight in the past couple of years and she had no idea why. Had he been ill perhaps? She was just about to ask him when he suddenly stepped back and she was forced to release him.
‘I’m sorry…again!’ His voice was husky despite his attempts at levity and Holly’s heart was immediately touched all over again. Maybe she had spent the last two years toughening herself up but it just wasn’t possible to remain indifferent to him.
‘You don’t have to apologise, Ben.’
‘Thanks.’
He didn’t try to pretend that everything was fine and she was grateful for that. They had always tried to be honest with one another when they’d lived together, had made it a rule that they wouldn’t lie to save face or each other’s feelings. Even when Ben had told her he was leaving he hadn’t lied about his reasons, as so many men might have done. It was strange because she hadn’t realised before how much his honesty had meant to her.
‘Is it something you want to talk about?’ she asked, amazed that she could find anything positive about their parting when it had hurt so badly.
‘Not really.’
‘OK. But you are all right?’ she insisted, because she needed to be sure. Maybe she shouldn’t care how he felt but it simply wasn’t possible to remain completely detached.
‘I’m fine. Really. It’s been one heck of a day, hasn’t it?’
‘It has,’ she agreed, even though she doubted it was the pressure of work that had upset him. Ben was used to working long hours and dealing with the most traumatic incidents, too, but she’d never seen him so emotional before…
Apart from when he’d told her he was leaving her, of course.
Holly frowned as the memory surfaced with a rush. She rarely thought about that day because it was too painful, yet now she found herself wondering why Ben had appeared so distraught at the time. He’d taken the day off work because he’d had an appointment so she hadn’t seen him since breakfast. He had been waiting for her when she’d got home after work and she’d known immediately that something had been wrong when he’d led her into the sitting room and asked her to sit down.
He had told her simply that he’d met someone else and that he was leaving her. He hadn’t given her any details about the other woman, just said that he was sorry and that he’d never meant to hurt her. He’d been extremely tense and obviously worried when she hadn’t said anything but at the time Holly had been too shocked to speak. She had never expected that Ben would leave her and had just sat there while her world had collapsed.
‘So I’m really sorry, Holly, because I didn’t bring you in here to start an argument.’
She jumped when she realised he’d been speaking. She quickly backtracked over what had happened and blushed when it struck her how childishly she’d behaved. The problem was that Ben had always managed to arouse her, and not only her temper either.
‘And I’m sorry for the way I behaved just now,’ she said swiftly, closing her mind to the thought because she couldn’t deal with the memory of how wonderful their love-making had been. ‘It was silly of me to get so het up.’
‘So that makes it one apology apiece, discounting all my minor ones, of course. Do you want to go first and make it two, or shall I do the honours?’
Ben cocked his head on one side and regarded her quizzically. A tiny smile tugged at the corners of her mouth when she saw the laughter in his eyes.
‘Oh, you can go first. After all, you probably have a lot more to apologise for than I do.’
‘Oh, nice one! That slid very smoothly between the ribs.’
He grinned and Holly felt her pulse perform a determined little hiccup as she received the full benefit of the smile. It was hard to hide her dismay because she was no longer interested in Ben that way. She’d filed him under H for history just a few short hours ago and she wasn’t about to have second thoughts because her hormones were playing up. So maybe he was the most handsome man she had ever met, and she was prepared to admit that, but she wasn’t prepared to put her heart through the mincer a second time!
‘I owe you an apology for the way I spoke about Josh this morning. I had no right to comment on your relationship.’
‘Josh and I don’t have a relationship,’ she replied without thinking. The fact that she wasn’t one-hundred per
