how hard it would be? he wondered suddenly. How agonising it would be to watch her suffer such terrible disappointment, month after month, when she had failed to get pregnant? Of course he wouldn’t! He had loved her to distraction and it was unthinkable that he would have allowed her to go through that kind of torment.
That was why he had called a halt and asked her for a divorce. Maybe Beth believed that he had done it for his own sake but it wasn’t true. He simply couldn’t bear to see her torturing herself any longer. How ironic that after all they had been through, she should have fallen pregnant that last night they had slept together.
‘What is there to understand? I wrote to tell you I was pregnant and you didn’t reply. That says it all.’ She shrugged, her expression so cold when Callum forced his mind back to the present that he felt chilled to the bone. It was hard to believe that Beth could look at him that way.
‘But I never received your letter!’ he protested.
‘Then why are you here?’ she shot back and he felt relief surge through him when he heard the stirrings of anger in her voice. It was better to be upbraided than be treated with such indifference.
‘What I meant was that I never received it for months. I was in Africa, travelling around while I helped set up a new malaria programme, and somehow it never caught up with me.’ He looked deep into her eyes, willing her to believe him. ‘It only reached me last month and as soon as I read it, I made arrangements to fly back to England. I got here as fast as I could, Beth—I swear.’
Beth wanted to believe him, she wanted it with a desperation that defied all logic. She had sworn that she would never allow herself to be swayed by anything Callum said but, staring into his deep brown eyes, it was so very tempting... The sound of bells ringing broke the spell. Beth stepped back, her breath coming in fast little spurts as she realised how close she had come to breaking her own promise. Surely she had learned her lesson after what had happened between them? Learned never to believe a word Callum said? If he could tell her that he loved her and then leave her, it proved beyond any doubt how untrustworthy he was.
She swung round, ignoring him when he called her name. She didn’t want to listen to him any more, didn’t want to see him, to be tempted in any way at all. She had to think about Beatrix and the effect it would have on her in the future if she found out that her father was a liar.
She re-joined the wedding party, nodding when Polly asked her if she was all right. She wasn’t all right, by any means, but she wouldn’t say so, wouldn’t ruin her friend’s special day. Polly deserved this after everything she had been through. She deserved every second of happiness that came her way. She had found the man she loved and he loved her too—their future was rosy and golden and would be filled with joy. Just as hers should have been if Callum hadn’t stopped loving her.
The tears came then, hot and bitter as they streamed down her face, but she wasn’t the only one crying. Weddings were an emotional time and a lot of the guests were shedding a tear or two. Beth dried her eyes then took her place on the church steps while the photographs were taken, smiling and pretending to be full of joy on this happy day while inside she felt devastated and angry and so very alone.
She glanced towards the lich gate but there was no sign of Callum. Whether he would seek her out again, she had no idea. It didn’t really matter. Nothing he said could make up for what he had done, no excuses about letters taking months to reach him would change things. The fact was that he had left her, left her when she had needed him most of all. And that was the only thing that counted.
* * *
Callum had managed to book himself a room in the local pub. He carried his bag up the narrow staircase and opened the bedroom door. The room was small and rather cramped with double dormer roofs taking up most of the ceiling space but he didn’t care. It was somewhere to sleep tonight because one thing was certain: he wouldn’t be sleeping in Beth’s bed!
Frustration ate away at him as he tossed his bag onto the bed. Maybe he hadn’t expected red carpet treatment but he had hoped for a better reception than that. It was obvious that Beth wasn’t going to forgive him in a hurry and it made him see how foolish he’d been to hope that she would. He sighed wearily. Had he really thought that he could win her round with a few well-chosen words? That he could tell Beth what had happened and that she would just accept it? He must have been living in cloud cuckoo land if he had!
No way was this going to be easy. He would have to work at it, gain her trust, make her understand that he hadn’t ignored her or their baby, and then convince her that he wanted to be involved in their lives.
Fear trickled coldly down his spine at the thought. He knew nothing about what it took to be a father, did he? Most people learned the art from their own father but he certainly wasn’t going to use his as a role model. He would be batting in the dark, striking out this way and that in the hope that he would somehow discover how to be a good parent. What if he failed? What if he tried his best but still couldn’t measure up to the role? He couldn’t bear to imagine the harm it might cause his daughter if he flunked it. His heart caught. He couldn’t bear to imagine Beth’s contempt either if that happened.
* * *
Beth collected Beatrix from the childminder’s house and took her home. Polly had wanted her to take the baby to the church but Beth had decided not to risk it. At almost ten months old Beatrix was attempting to walk and soon became frustrated if she was made to sit still for any length of time. The thought of her daughter creating a fuss during the service had made Beth decide to leave her with Alison, the childminder. Now she was doubly glad that she had. She still wasn’t sure if she was going to allow Callum to see her. After all, if he had been that interested in his daughter then he would have been in touch before now, although, according to Callum, it hadn’t been his fault, had it?
The thought nagged away at her as she got Beatrix ready for bed. The little girl loved water and Beth let her splash away in the bath for longer than usual. She rarely spent any time apart from her and she had missed her that day, although she would have to get used to being without her. She was due to return to work in a couple of weeks’ time now that her maternity leave was coming to an end and Beatrix would be looked after by Alison. While Beth knew the other woman would take good care of her, it would be a wrench to leave her. Still, it was what she had to do if she was to provide for her daughter. Maybe Beatrix was destined to have only one parent but Beth didn’t intend that she would miss out, financially or emotionally.
Her mouth thinned as she lifted Beatrix out of the bath and wrapped her in a towel. One loving parent was more than enough and far better than having someone unreliable in her life like Callum!
* * *
The pub served food so Callum had something to eat then went back up to his room. He had spent almost thirty-six hours on the go and he was bone-tired. He desperately needed to sleep and lay down on the bed, fully clothed, but he couldn’t settle. He kept thinking about what had happened with Beth and knew that he wouldn’t be able to rest until he had resolved at least some of the issues with her.
In the end, he got up and left the pub, taking his time as he walked to the cottage. He had no idea what he was going to say to her when he got there but he needed to convince Beth that he had been telling the truth about her letter failing to reach him for so long. At least, it would be a start if he could do that, a small step towards convincing her about all the rest. Despite what she thought, he did care about their daughter. He cared a lot, far more than he would have expected, in fact. He had a child and even though he had never really wanted a family of his own, he intended to do his very best for her...
If only Beth would let him.
The
