back into place. “Monday after next, Kaley, what date is that?”
“Hey, I’ve driven all night. I’m too tired for guessing games.”
“It’s my birthday. My twenty-eighth.”
She studied his face, the same dark-lashed, navy-blue eyes as her own, meeting hers half in pain, half in angry challenge. What was she missing here? “Yes. I’d forgotten.”
“I’ll be twenty-eight, Kaley.” He scowled when she still didn’t get it. “You can’t join the air force any older than that.”
“Oh…Jim!” He hadn’t mentioned that ambition in years, not since she went away to college. She’d assumed it was simply a teenager’s dream, long left behind. He’d grown up on their father’s tales of his flying adventures in the war. Hadn’t Jim noticed, as she had, how carefully those tales had been edited? Their father had told them of the good times—the wonderful friendships forged in wartime, the sun on snowy clouds like castles in the air, the feel of a jet answering as sweetly to the yoke as the best cutting horse to the rein, the thrill of night landings on an aircraft carrier in the open sea.
But Kaley had seen her father’s face when Jim had asked him what it was like to loose a clip of bombs on a peasant village—the instant change of subject and mood. Hadn’t Jim once stopped to think that their father had left that all behind as quick as he could? He hadn’t stayed in the service; he’d done his duty, then come straight home to Colorado, back to what mattered. “I didn’t realize,” she said carefully as Jim continued to glare his defiance. “I thought—”
“That I’d grown out of all that? Changed my mind, decided I’d rather punch cows the rest of my life than pilot a jet? You’ve always believed what you want to believe. Dad needed somebody and it wasn’t going to be you—you’d already run off to college and married your city slicker. So who did that leave holding the bag?”
“But Dad couldn’t do it alone.” The illness that had finally claimed him had sapped his strength for years before the end. “There was no way he could have kept the ranch going without your help.”
“I know that.” Jim rubbed a big hand tiredly up his face. “And I didn’t begrudge it while he was here. But he’s gone now, so what about my dreams?”
What could she say to that? “If I’d known you had any—” She stopped at his harsh laughter. “I mean any apart from ranching. But you didn’t tell me, Jim. I thought you loved it here.”
“You thought I felt the way you do,” he said flatly. “Just because I didn’t whine didn’t mean I was happy.”
She let out a slow breath. Another thing she hadn’t seen, just as she’d missed Richard’s true feelings about children. Was she that selfish and blind?
“I tried to make a go of it,” Jim continued, lifting the lid to the sugar bowl once more and dropping it, raising it and clinking it down again. “Tried hard since Dad was gone. I don’t want to lose this place any more than you do. But I don’t want to be chained to it, Kaley. Looking up when the jets fly over from Colorado Springs, wishing I was up there, not stuck down here with a jar full of pink-eye ointment and an irrigation ditch to muck out.”
She put her knuckles to her mouth and bit down, thinking hard. “Will it help any now that I’m back? That should free up some of your time. Maybe we could go halves on the chores…” At least, once her baby was delivered they could, if Jim would be patient that long. “If you took private flying lessons, maybe rented a plane?” But that could hardly be cheap and money had been tight around the ranch for years; they were just barely holding their own with her teaching salary added to the ranch’s profit… And now that she’d no longer be teaching… I’ll have to think. There had to be some way.
Jim shook his head. “I wish you’d gotten that letter. This was easier to say long distance.” He sucked in a deep breath and let it out on four simple words.
“I’ve already joined up.”
WHAT NOW, WHAT NOW, what now? Kaley wondered, scrubbing a hot washrag over her face. She’d had to excuse herself and go upstairs, as much to gain time to think as to freshen herself. What am I going to do now? If she’d had a day to think things out—even half a day—but in reality she had less than an hour. Jim was due at the induction center by noon.
He’d signed the papers and for the next four years, he belonged to the air force; she might as well ask them for one of their jets as for her brother back. He was as good as gone.
And he’d said they had more things to talk about. I’ll say! Kaley glanced down at her stomach, then grimaced. No, that wasn’t fair, to mention her baby now, when there was nothing he could do to help her. It would only make him feel guiltier when he felt bad enough already. Braced on the cool porcelain, she leaned over the sink, staring down into the darkness of the open drain, like the hole Alice fell down to Wonderland. She’d dropped into a whole new country. Not the safe and comforting one she’d been fleeing to, had counted on for the past miserable month.
It isn’t fair!
No. She sucked in a breath and held it. She was the one who hadn’t been fair, telling herself that Jim was satisfied with his life. Time to grow up, Kaley. Mothers really ought to be grown-ups. She touched her stomach for luck, squared her shoulders and went back downstairs.
Jim was sitting out on the back stoop, staring off toward the high country. She sat down beside him, their shoulders brushing, glanced at him and had to smile, he looked so miserable. “It’s not that bad, flyboy. I’ll manage.” Somehow. “Me and Whitey. You’ve done it for years. Now it’s my turn.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed painfully and he shook his head. “I haven’t told you the half of it yet. Wish I’d kept a copy of that damn letter to show you now.”
What could be worse than his leaving? “What else?” she said lightly.
“You remember after Dad died, when I told you we’d have to have more cash to keep going? That the books were in much worse shape than he’d let on. When I asked you for more money and you couldn’t let me have it?”
She nodded. “I’d just paid for my first semester on my master’s degree.” And she and Richard had just moved into a bigger, fancier house out in Scottsdale. Richard had set his heart on it, had said it projected the right kind of image for his new position in the firm, and they’d already put the money down when her father died.
She winced, remembering. “I felt awful about that. But you got a loan anyway, in the end, a third mortgage from the bank.”
Jim put his head down on his forearms, which were resting on his knees. “Not from the bank, Kaley. That’s not where I ended up getting the money.”
“But you said—”
“I lied, all right? The bank wouldn’t risk a third mortgage, what with the loans they hold on us already.”
She felt her heart stutter. “Where did you get it, then?” Jim had wanted a chunk—forty thousand.
“Borrowed it from Tripp McGraw.”
“Tripp.” Her hands felt cold—icy—and the day darkened. Someone was feeling very sick to her stomach. Kaley dropped her head between her knees and gulped air.
“Kaley?”
