matter of doing the familiar, getting the known-and-needed release. She slowly stood up from the hospital bed and let her legs bear her weight. Thinking about Drew made everything hurt all over again.
Gwen didn’t fight the shame. No marriage fell apart due to one person. It always took two, and theirs had been no exception.
Her hands were still shaky. Lucas had told her it would take time for her system to settle back into a routine of regular meals, a safe place to rest, no constant need for vigilance.
Her body didn’t realize that the threat she perceived today wasn’t from the jungle or a terrorist insurgent. It was from her fear of not getting her baby back, the child she’d saved in the jungle. It was from the fear of having to finally face her grief over her failed marriage. She had to go and live with her ex-husband. What wasn’t there to be afraid of?
Their marriage had been good once. Drew had been her safe harbor, giving her the chance to grow—as a woman, a naval officer, pilot and wife. But the hours of study his Physical Therapy education required, combined with Drew’s need to live in Seattle for school during the week, meant they were hardly ever together. Her operational job as a department head, the last chance she had to prove she was worthy of the plum command tour billet, hadn’t helped.
When Drew graduated and moved back to Whidbey they’d thrown themselves into setting up his new practice. With the onslaught of injured vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, his business had nearly tripled the first year.
She was happy for him, but they never had enough time alone for her to really express her pride in him. Weeknights were filled with social obligations for her and long hours in the clinic for him. Even a few words before sleep became rare.
Her record-breaking performance as the squadron operations officer made her a shoe-in for squadron command. Before she’d finished her department head tour, their marriage was over. She’d taken shore duty orders away from Whidbey, away from the emotional fallout of the divorce. It had been a tough time in Washington, D.C. She blamed it on missing Whidbey and their pets.
As expected, she was awarded her own squadron. She asked for a billet in Jacksonville, Florida, but her detailer sent her back to Whidbey as the executive officer. The promise of commanding officer in one short year took her career to a new level.
She and Drew had picked up where they’d left off—as the good friends they’d become since their divorce. Contact only when needed to facilitate her visiting the pets. A text here and there to check in, but no more than a couple of times a month, if that.
It still bothered her that she’d failed at marriage. She’d run from the vulnerability needed to maintain intimacy in the middle of everything life threw at her—her job, Drew’s job, the long deployments.
Couples drifted apart all the time.
But the drift wasn’t what had brought the final blow to her marriage.
The death knell to theirs hadn’t been finding Lizzie with Drew that awful night. Gwen believed Drew—nothing had happened between him and Lizzie. Not then, anyhow. What had cut deep was the realization that they didn’t have a relationship anymore. She didn’t have a husband, she had a housemate.
“All ancient history,” she grumbled to her empty room.
Just great. She’d been back only a few days and she was already talking to herself. Maybe the months in survival mode had forever changed her.
* * *
“WHICH VILLAGE WAS it, Gwen?” Navy Captain and Wing Commodore Buzz Perry, her boss on Whidbey, sat in front of her. He was the last one to question her. Yet because he was her boss, the closest in her chain of command, he thought he’d be able to ferret out what the past five days of interrogation hadn’t.
“I don’t know the name. I don’t speak Tagalog, Commodore. I told you what I’ve told everyone else. Pax was the only survivor.” Tears scalded her eyes at the mere mention of the baby she’d saved. The child she now considered her own. “No offense, sir, but I’m talked out. The sooner I get back to Whidbey, the sooner I can report to the squadron.”
Gwen refused to tell the commodore that she was afraid she’d never feel strong enough to go back to her job. She hoped it was her weakness from lack of decent nutrition and the overwhelming stress she’d dealt with for too long.
A vulnerability that would heal with time.
She’d survived the debriefings she’d been through with the State Department, Department of Defense, Department of the Navy, and now her boss, the wing commodore. He’d been flown down from Oak Harbor on the base C-2 airplane to meet with her before he escorted her back to Whidbey Island.
“We’re here to help you, Gwen. We’ll help you adopt the baby you rescued, if that’s what you want. But you have to see the difficult position you’ve put the government in. We want to reward you for all you’ve sacrificed but you seem to feel that nothing less than this baby will be enough. It’s not so simple, Gwen. The needs of the navy and the country, not to mention diplomatic relations, have to come before any personal issues.”
The commodore’s eyes were steady but she knew the deal. His chain of command had put him up to this. The highest levels of government wanted to get as much information from her as possible.
Fresh intel was always a hot commodity.
She fought to keep still.
“The difficulty I’ve caused? What about the difficulty of flying a forty-year-old aircraft that wasn’t fit for fair weather, let alone outmaneuvering a surface-to-air-missile during monsoon season? What about how I escaped from a terrorist training camp? What about the difficulty that serving my country has caused me?”
The commodore stretched his arms across the worktable in the psychiatrist’s office and placed his hands over Gwen’s.
“I’m not the enemy, Gwen. Neither are any of the doctors or officials who’ve questioned you this past week.”
She sighed. Her body ached to lie down; she wanted to sleep for hours, days. Pax hadn’t been the only weight she’d carried through mile after mile of jungle. She needed a safe place to shelve her emotions before they got the better of her.
“Then stop acting like one.” She clasped her hands and stared at the floor.
Buzz shifted in his seat. This wasn’t easy on him, either, but she didn’t have the energy to muster any compassion.
“Gwen, if I could’ve changed anything, I would have. That airframe would’ve been recalled before you left on deployment, and you would have had one of the new P-8s. Our funding’s been shortchanged by my predecessor’s actions.”
Commodore Perry referred to the criminal deeds of the previous commodore, who’d falsfied the aircraft maintenance books. He was now doing jail time in Fort Leavenworth military prison. As a result, it was taking longer for the newer airframes to come on line in the wing and her squadrons. The plane Gwen had ditched in the Pacific Ocean hadn’t been up to the rigors of a deployment, much less being shot at by a modern missile. The crew would’ve had much more of a chance in one of the new P-8s. The former commodore’s crimes also included murder, but his punishment hadn’t helped the crews flying the aging planes.
He’d indirectly put aircrews like Gwen’s in danger.
