as they took his private cable-car back up the slope and snowboarded back down, he kept hold of her hand. He’d promised not to let her fall and she’d had enough of broken promises. And falls.
There are some falls nobody can control.
Even as he steadied her and taught her to find her natural rhythm and ability on the slopes, the words continued to whisper to him—because she wasn’t talking about physical injury.
The words haunted him because he knew she was right. Rachel wasn’t fair game, and he didn’t know how to be the kind of man she needed. He didn’t even know if he’d want to when these few weeks were over. He was cynical, jaded, had never known how to believe in any woman outside of his family, always looking for the ‘exit’ sign from the night he met any woman. This awakening faith, this need to be with Rachel, was too new for either of them to trust in.
Being near her felt like touching heaven, but he couldn’t let this go beyond the odd half-friendship it was now. The thought of never seeing her again, never having another night like tonight, didn’t work for him. He wanted to keep her in his life. But Rachel deserved love, babies and ‘for ever’, and a man who could go the distance.
She deserved a man who wouldn’t lash out when times got hard. Could he do that? Damn it, he just didn’t know—and risking it would destroy her.
What he wanted was to be Rachel’s friend—to grow older, still exchange calls, emails and cards with her—a friendship that lasted the distance. Always to have her remember him and their time together with a smile. To have her want to see him again without pain, without complications.
So he’d do his level best to stop them both from falling.
‘It’s simple attraction, nothing more. I am not falling for Armand. I am so not falling for him. I refuse to fall for him!’ Satisfied, Rachel turned from the bathroom mirror where she’d wiped a clear bit in the shower-misted glass with a wet hand. She peered at herself every morning with almost anxious paranoia, but so far she was still doing well. There were no signs of that sickly-love face she’d had during those first months with Pete. She looked happy, sure, but why not? If she still wasn’t trying to get pretty for Armand—trying to lose weight or impress him with flirty banter that would never work, because she wasn’t one of those waiflike models he was usually seen with—then she was safe. Safe from infatuation, nothing more.
She wasn’t about to make a fool of herself over a man who was merely being kind to her. Armand deserved better than the infatuation of a needy woman he was helping out. So she wouldn’t do it. Simple as that.
‘Good, done. That’s the way, Rachel,’ she told herself, looking back for a last glimpse. No sickly-face … Oh, the relief every time she looked!
Minutes later she skipped out of the bathroom in jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt, her hair damp and tangled. Nope, she didn’t care what he thought of her looks at all. ‘If you can’t compete, stay out of the race’, Daddy had always said.
After putting away her bathroom essentials and pyjamas—no way was she going to exasperate him by taking over his bathroom with her products or clothes!—she found him in the kitchen tossing eggs, tomatoes and mushrooms in a skillet. ‘Good morning, Rachel.’ He smiled at her. ‘Great T-shirt,’ he commented, looking at the logo. ‘Where do you get your shirts?’
‘I get all my T-shirts custom made.’ She smiled back, convinced she’d remained cool and calm, even if he was like something from a magazine matchmaker-ad in those casual trousers and woollen pullover, cooking with supreme ease. Let me find you the perfect man …
‘Could you butter the toast, please, and just take the coffee pot off the stove? Thanks.’
The words were so prosaic, yet so intimate. Sharing daily tasks gave a pretty illusion of togetherness. But even after that amazing night-skiing, where she’d found she could actually stay upright while she was in his hold, she refused to believe in it. Any woman would find Armand attractive, and it was no more than that.
As far as she was concerned, love was an invention of men to trap women into cooking and cleaning for them and warming their bed while they did whatever they wanted. It was a truth she’d known for a long time. If her father hadn’t totally destroyed her faith in happily-ever-after, with his casual affairs and insistence on lies even when he’d been found out again, Pete had knocked all belief in fairy-tale endings from her. And he’d done it long before he’d broken her wrist. His self-absorbed use of her skills to promote his own agenda without a thought for her needs and had put her heart and her confidence in a hiding-place she’d only rediscovered since leaving him. She’d let it happen without even really noticing until it was far too late.
That wouldn’t happen again. But there was no reason not to enjoy an uncomplicated friendship with Armand—especially when he’d given far more than he wanted from her.
‘Butter toast and take coffee pot off the heat. Sure,’ she agreed cheerfully, and pulled the toast out of the slots with careful fingers. ‘Want hot milk for the coffee today?’
‘I could do latte today, definitely. And there’s some caramel syrup in the cupboard if you like that. I sometimes do, but usually at night.’
She gave him a quizzical grin. ‘I’ve never met a man before that drinks all different kinds of coffee. Usually they only like one, or maybe two.’
He laughed and raised his hands, palm up. ‘What can I say? I guess I’m not the faithful type, even to coffee.’
He’d been saying things like that for a few days now, hence her mirror-mantra. Though he said it too lightly to be an insult, the inference was obvious: don’t get interested. He wasn’t, and she wasn’t either. Part of her wanted to blurt out that he and all men could go live and love without her caring a bit. But to put it out there would mean ‘the lady doth protest overmuch’. Saying it meant she did care, somehow. And of course she didn’t care if he found her desirable or not.
Oh, come on, who are you kidding? All people want to be attractive to everyone else. Nobody wants to be seen as unattractive. That’s all it is.
With the slight discomfort of wondering if she was in denial, she found herself laughing, with a slight defiance to it. ‘So you’re a “serial poly-coffee-ist”. It’s the latest syndrome in our sad world. I’ll get right onto researching it, in case you ever decide you need help.’
‘Thank you,’ he retorted with that grave face and laughing eyes, the hint of relief that was always there when she played his game. ‘But for now I’d appreciate that hot milk more.’
She bowed and, trying to sound like a genie, said, ‘Your wish is my command.’
She’d hoped to make him laugh, but as she turned away to get the milk out of the fridge, there was a bare moment when she could have sworn she saw something …
Then the moment passed, leaving her unsure if she’d seen the flash in his eyes or not. Unsure if she wanted to know. Proximity—that was all it was. It was totally natural that, if he was holed up with a woman for a few weeks, even a man like Armand would feel a passing attraction.
‘Any port in a storm,’ she muttered as she laid the table—and faint nausea touched her at the thought. She was no man’s storm-port. She had something to give the world that had nothing to do with being a man’s pretty doll, cook, housekeeper,
