on. I don’t want to be in a relationship where we just drift along until one of us gets bored and decides to call it a day.’
She could hardly breathe. Her chest felt tight. How could he just stand there, looking at her with an inscrutable expression, not saying anything? A treacherous little voice whispered that perhaps she should have left well alone and not said anything, but as soon as the thought flitted through her head Holly knew that she had had to say what was on her mind. She had been feeling strangely emotional over the past few weeks. Holding things in would only exacerbate those heightened emotions.
‘Why won’t you talk to me, Luiz?’ Her eyes brimmed and she chewed her lip in anguish.
‘Because you’re getting hysterical and you’re not saying anything I want to hear.’
‘I am not getting hysterical! I’m just asking you to tell me how you feel about a future for us.’
‘I don’t think in terms of future when it comes to my relationships.’
‘Because of Clarissa? Is that why?’ Holly knew that she was clinging to this as the get-out clause for him. She could deal with him having been hurt in the past and therefore reluctant to commit in the present. That was a situation they could address, one that could be changed. No one could surely allow a past hurt to rule their life for ever? What she found much more difficult to deal with was a blanket refusal to enter the discussion.
Luiz looked at her with veiled eyes. ‘Let’s not drag history into this, Holly.’
‘But you don’t understand! I would never let you down! You’ve never told me what happened between the two of you. Maybe if you just opened up on the subject we could work our way through this.’
‘I’m not in the mood for psychobabble.’
‘So what are you in the mood for, Luiz?’
‘I wouldn’t say no to sliding between the sheets with you…’
‘Why does it always have to be about sex?’
‘Since when is it always about sex with us?’ It was all he wanted from the relationship and yet he was outraged that she should diminish what they enjoyed.
‘Well, then, if it’s not all about the sex with you, then what else is it about?’
Luiz stared at her, speechlessly aware that she had managed to box him in. Since when did any woman think that she had the right to challenge his decisions, ask for clarifications or demand explanations for his behaviour? And yet, he had been with her for an extraordinarily long time. At least, extraordinarily long as far as he was concerned. Little by little, he realised that she had made inroads into his levels of tolerance. Somewhere along the line, they had stretched and expanded to accommodate her forthright honesty. That was what now gave her the freedom to stand there, glaring, waiting for him to answer her.
Taking advantage of his temporary silence, Holly thought it a good idea to carry on making her point. There was a certain desperation blossoming inside her but she felt as though if she didn’t push as hard as she could beyond that stubborn, autocratic, all-knowing veneer, she would forever rue her hesitation.
‘I’m crazy about you. You know that. And if you haven’t said so to me in so many words, then… then, you must feel… If it’s not just about sex, you must feel…’
In the face of his continuing grim silence, she could feel the confidence leaking out of her. In its place, desperation was giving way to the numbing realisation that perhaps he didn’t feel anything for her, or perhaps what he did feel for her just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to form a basis for a healthy ongoing relationship where holidays were planned and children were discussed and growing old together was a possibility. If all those things had been on the cards, she thought with a sickening jolt, then wouldn’t he have suggested her going to Brazil to meet his family? She would have asked him to meet hers ages ago! Had they really been operating on two different planes? Had she been so blind that she hadn’t been able to see that what she really wanted was different from what was actually there and, in fact, was leagues apart from what he wanted?
Luiz watched as she stammered her way into silence. ‘I enjoy your company, Holly, and I care about you.’
‘You care about me…’ Her voice was low and dull. She adored him to distraction and would cheerfully have walked on a bed of burning coals for him. He, on the other hand, cared about her. Caring wouldn’t go the distance when it came to the bed of burning coals and it wouldn’t go the distance when it came to planning for a future.
‘Don’t knock it.’ He read the disappointment on her face but there was no way that he was going to be drawn into offering any more on the subject of how he felt. He could have told her that she turned him on more than any woman ever had, that she had certainly held his attention longer than any woman ever had, but he had a feeling that those sentiments would not have met with an enthusiastic reception.
‘I’m not knocking it.’ She stumbled over to the sofa, the same sofa where they had made love only a short while ago, and subsided heavily on it. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.
‘Why don’t we go outside?’ Luiz suggested. Looking at her, he felt uncomfortable in his own skin. ‘You told me on the phone that you’d discovered a new walk.’ She enjoyed the great outdoors. A little bit of fresh air might calm her frayed nerves. He found himself giving her a last chance to climb back from her inappropriate meltdown and he was half-angry at his leniency.
‘I’m not really in the mood to go walking.’ Her voice was barely audible.
‘Well, sitting there sulking isn’t going to solve anything.’
‘I thought I meant more to you.’
Luiz sighed and joined her on the sofa. He had to restrain himself from touching her. It was something he badly wanted to do. ‘I could tell you that you mean a lot to me, but the follow-on isn’t that we’re going to get engaged like your friend. The next chapter in our story isn’t going to be marriage. I’m very sorry, Holly, but the next chapter in our story is never going to be marriage.’
‘I’m not talking about marriage.’
‘Of course you are.’ He had deliberately blinded himself to the fact that she was a romantic. She might work hard in the sanctuary, as hard as any man would in similar circumstances, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t like the picnics in summer, or get teary-eyed during sentimental movies, or lose herself in ridiculous love stories. Now, he thought with regret, was the time to be brutal.
‘You could never tolerate anything less than full commitment and that will not be happening, at least not with me. I should have made myself clearer on the subject from the beginning. I didn’t and I am to blame for that.’ He wished she would make eye contact but she was staring straight ahead and her body was as stiff as a plank of wood. ‘Trust me when I tell you that you’re better off without me,’ Luiz said truthfully, and she looked at him with incredulity.
‘How can you say that? That’s the sort of thing men say when they can’t face having an honest conversation—you’re better off without me, I need a little space. That’s what men say when they’re about to walk out and they’re clearing it with their conscience. I’ve read hundreds of articles on that subject!’
Luiz
