course I do, it’s just that your father feels so much guilt,” she said. “He blames himself for everything that happened, even though we made the decision together. You can’t possibly imagine how difficult it was, Daniel. No one can.”
“Then tell us. Help us to make sense of it. I always thought you and Dad were such good, honorable people. Is it any wonder that this secret of yours took Patrick and me by surprise? What you did was so completely out of character.”
She shook her head, as stubborn as all of the Devaneys. “It’s up to your father. He’s locked that part of our lives away, and I can’t go against his wishes.”
“But you can talk to him, persuade him that talking about this is for the best. What you did back then is still having repercussions today.”
“You said Ryan, Sean and Michael seemed happy and well-adjusted when you met them,” she said defiantly. “And Patrick’s married now, too. How bad can the repercussions be? They’ve all moved on with their lives. Some of them even have children of their own now.”
“They moved on in spite of what happened, Mom. It’s not as if they made peace with it. And those children are your grandchildren. Don’t you want to do whatever you can to be a part of their lives?”
“I’m sure your brothers would never allow that,” she said, her expression bleak.
“But they might. Isn’t it worth taking a chance? And what about me? I’ve lost four brothers and the woman I loved because of what happened all those years ago.”
She gasped at that. “What does you breaking up with Molly have to do with anything your father and I did nearly thirty years ago?”
“It just does,” he said. “Take my word for it. The decision you and Dad made has cost all of us. Maybe it’s cost the two of you most of all.”
“We’ve learned to live with our choice,” she told him, still not backing down.
“And that means you have no regrets?” he asked bitterly.
“Of course we have regrets. We’ve had regrets every day of our lives since we left Boston, but we can’t go back in time and undo what we did.”
“You can’t undo it, but you can make it bearable for the rest of us.”
She reached out to touch him, hesitated, then drew back. “Talking about it might make things worse. Have you considered that?”
“How? How can the truth possibly be any worse than the explanations that each of us has been forced to consider? Were Ryan, Sean and Michael so unlovable? Or did you just draw straws and choose me and Patrick? Were we cuter than the others? Or less trouble? Maybe you meant to leave us behind, too, but we clung too tightly.”
Tears were spilling down her cheeks as he spewed out all the questions that had tormented him, questions he knew that his brothers must have asked themselves a million and one times, as well. How could boys of nine, seven and five have been expected to cope with being abandoned? It would have been natural for them to have blamed themselves, to have grown up thinking they didn’t deserve to be loved. It was a miracle they’d opened their hearts to anyone.
“Oh, Daniel, don’t do this,” she whispered. “Not to yourself. Not to us.”
“Why not, Mom? You and Dad did it to us.” He pushed away from the table. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Daniel, don’t leave. Not like this.”
“I can’t stay.”
“At least say hello to your father before you go,” she pleaded.
“I can’t. If I do, I’ll say something I’ll regret.”
He left through the kitchen door and went for a walk, too angry and upset to get behind the wheel of a car. Why couldn’t they see that their secrets were destroying their family? What could have driven them to make such a devastating decision all those years ago?
As badly as he wanted answers, he knew that his brothers wanted them even more. They deserved them. He’d tried to warn his mother about that. One of these days, there was going to be a confrontation, and it was going to get ugly. And as much as he loved his parents, as much as he felt he owed them, he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to bring himself to mediate, to be the cool voice of reason in such a volatile situation. At that moment, if he had to choose sides, he was going to be on his brothers’. His parents were dead set on not giving him even the tiniest excuse to be on theirs.
* * *
Molly was bone weary by the time she climbed the stairs to her apartment. She’d meant to get away sooner, but the bar had been busy and Retta had been on her feet too long as it was. Molly hadn’t been able to ask her to fill in waiting on tables.
When she opened the door to the apartment, the TV was on, but Kendra was sound asleep on the sofa, her dark lashes like smudges of soot on her pale cheeks. If Molly wasn’t mistaken, there were dried traces of tears there, as well.
“Oh, Kendra, what’s going on with you?” she whispered as she pulled a blanket over the girl. “I can’t hide you forever, not with Daniel breathing down my neck.”
Not that Molly minded the prospect of going a few rounds with Daniel. In fact, if there was some way she could turn his life into a living hell, she was all for it. It would be downright exhilarating.
And maybe a little too much like the old days, she admitted honestly. That could be dangerous. She wasn’t over Daniel, not by a long shot. If she hadn’t already known that, the sparks flying between them this afternoon would have been a wake-up call. Anyone with any sense knew that hate was the flip side of love, that so much passion could turn on a dime into the opposite emotion. Hating Daniel was a habit, but so was loving him. It was easy enough to hate him deeply and thoroughly from a distance, but proximity had a way of confusing things. Hormones kicked in, and common sense flew straight out the window.
So, she needed to get him back out of her life for her own protection. And the only way to do that was to resolve the situation with Kendra. Easier said than done.
In just a couple of days the girl had stolen a piece of Molly’s heart. She was smart and full of life. She was eager to help, desperate for praise. She was all the things Molly had been when she’d come to live with her grandfather. Jess had been there for her, steady as a rock. Now it was her turn to do the same for another scared child.
Resolved to stand by Kendra, no matter what, she went into her room and tried to see it as Daniel must have seen it earlier. Had he remembered the times they’d spent together in her bed? Had he noticed that his picture was no longer on her dresser?
She reached into a nightstand drawer and found the photo, taken on a rocky cliff overlooking the Atlantic. His hair, normally so neatly trimmed to keep the natural curl tamed, had been caught by the wind and mussed. A navy sweater made his blue eyes seem even darker. And his smile...she sighed just looking at it. It was a heartbreaker of a smile, complete with devastating dimples and a flash of pure mischief in his eyes. This was the Daniel she’d fallen in love with, the one with his guard down and nary a rule book in sight.
The Daniel who’d barged back into her life today was the hard professional without so much as a glint
