past him and grabbed the orange juice, taking a long drink. She winced. “Is there—”
“Yeah,” he said. “It was New Year’s Eve. I wanted to celebrate and I didn’t have any champagne.”
She shook her head and dumped the rest of the juice down the drain. “New Year’s Eve was three nights ago. And you shouldn’t be drinking.” She spun around and grabbed him around the waist, giving him a fierce hug. “I’m worried about you.” She sighed softly. “You can’t avoid her forever.”
“And I can’t erase the past nine years. We’re different people, El. I’m not going to magically transform into the old Will the moment I talk to her. I know that’s what you expect, that seeing her again will solve all my problems. But that’s just some stupid romantic fantasy.”
Elly sighed. “I’m sorry.” She crossed the room and grabbed a shirt from the back of the sofa. “But you have to get out, Will. You can’t stay cooped up here. You need fresh air and exercise. You look like death warmed over.”
Will knew she was right. But the dull headache he had now could become agonizing at any moment. And he felt more comfortable alone and in the dark. “I am death warmed over,” he joked.
Elly’s eyes filled with tears. “Don’t say that. You have no idea what we’ve gone through, wondering if we were going to get the visit, never knowing where you were or if you were safe.”
Will cursed himself beneath his breath. Navigating the civilian world was impossible for him. A marine had to be emotionless, and he’d lived in that bubble for so long that now he had no idea how to relate to people anymore, not even his sister. “I’m sorry,” he said.
Jesus, how many times had he muttered those words since he’d been back? It was so much easier to isolate himself and avoid these kinds of missteps. Bombs were easier to defuse than human emotions.
“I just need a little more time,” he said. “It’s hard to adjust to being home. Hell, I’m not sure it’s even worth trying to adjust. As soon as I’m clear, I’ll head back to my unit.”
“Why can’t you be done? Just stop. Now.”
“It’s what I do,” he said. “I’m good at it.”
“You could be good at other things,” she said.
Will knew that wasn’t true. This past month had been enough to prove that civilian life wasn’t for him. And though his future in the military was still in doubt, he had every intention of finishing his tour and signing up for another.
He’d always wanted to be a marine. His father had been a marine, and his grandfather had been a submariner in the US Navy. Will had grown up with the stories about WWII and Vietnam, about honor and glory and serving with courage. Will had felt compelled to honor the family tradition.
His mother and sister had wanted him to wait to get his college degree. And Olivia had never accepted his plans, assuming he’d change his mind at some point or she’d change it for him. She’d never understood how deeply the military was etched into his DNA and he’d never been able to explain it to her.
“I’m going to pick up the boys at school and take them to hockey,” Elly said. “Jim is working late and we’re going to meet him for pizza after practice. You could come with us.”
In truth, all Will wanted to do was crawl back into bed and close his eyes. But Elly was right. He should at least make an attempt to socialize. After all, there was a possibility the doctors wouldn’t clear him to return to his unit and somehow he’d have to figure out how to belong in the land of the living again. “Give me a minute to get dressed,” he said, raking his hands through his hair.
Elly handed him the shirt and gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you,” she whispered.
She waited for him in the rusty SUV while Will pulled himself together. It took him a while. Since the explosion, his brain had been scrambled and it took longer to sort out the steps in any task. The doctors had said it would become easier once the effects of the head trauma faded.
He spent five minutes searching for his sunglasses, then found them on the kitchen table, in plain view. He slipped them on as he stepped outside into the low afternoon light. Drawing a deep breath of crisp, clean air, Will paused to let his head clear before starting toward Elly’s truck.
As they drove into town, a country song started blaring from the radio. Wincing, Will reached out to turn it off and Elly glanced over at him. “Are you all right?”
“It’s just a little difficult to process noise,” he said. “It makes my head hurt.”
“I’m calling tomorrow to make another appointment for you at the VA. You were supposed to go when you arrived home and that was three weeks ago. You should—”
“They said it would take time,” Will interrupted. “It’s hardly been four months since the...accident. The doctors expect it to take at least twice that before I start to feel normal again.”
“What if it doesn’t get better?” Elly asked.
“Then I get a different MOS,” he said. “There are a lot of things I can do in the corps.”
“But not in Afghanistan?”
“I don’t know,” Will snapped, his irritation rising. He wasn’t sure he could survive a life outside of active duty. In the past three weeks, he’d felt as if he was moving through mud, all his senses slowing until he could hardly breathe. He craved the adrenaline rush of his job, the chaos that surrounded him every day, the pulse-pounding excitement of his work.
His dad had always said he’d never felt more alive than when he’d faced death as a soldier. He’d told Will that every man needed to experience these deeply held fears before he could gain perspective on the rest of his life. Strange how it was the exact opposite for Will. He’d learned to feed on his fear, to use it like a drug to numb his body and his mind. He didn’t feel alive. He was dead inside.
“You’ve got to find a new line of work,” Elly said, an edge of sarcasm coloring her words.
They drove into Calumet and headed toward the school. But Elly pulled over in front of the post office, then grabbed a package from the rear seat of the SUV. “Could you run that in for me?” she asked, reaching for her purse. She held out a ten-dollar bill.
“What is it?” he asked.
“A swimsuit. It was supposed to be for our vacation to Mexico in March, but I look like the great white whale in it. I hate winter. I get so...plump.”
“You’ve got to find a new place to live,” he said.
Elly laughed. “I’m going to run and grab a couple bottles of Gatorade for the boys. I’ll be back for you in five minutes.”
Will got out of the truck and walked up the front steps of the post office. When he got inside there were two people in line in front of him and he waited patiently, hoping no one would recognize him. But his hopes were shattered when the first person in line turned to leave and looked straight at him.
The world seemed to grind to a halt around him as he met her gaze. He held his breath, hoping she’d walk right
