can’t work for Wade, Lily.” Charmaine said on their drive back to the house.
“Why not?” Lily asked.
“You’re pregnant,” Charmaine took her eyes off the gravel road for a moment to look at her. “Ranching’s hard work, you know that. It’s no place to grow a baby.” She turned her attention back to the road.
Lily looked in the back seat to see if the kids were listening, it was awfully quiet back there, but they were asleep.
“Char,” she said, “you saw for yourself that there’s no other work around, unless you want me puking on Beth’s customers. And you and I both know that once I start showing there’s no way in hell anyone is going to hire me. Who wants to train someone only to have them go on maternity leave in a couple of months? I need a job, Char and at least this one I’m qualified for. I’ll be careful. I called the doctor’s office this morning before we left and managed to get an appointment in two days – I’ll ask him what I can and can’t do. I’m excited about working again; I just wish it wasn’t with Wade,” she mumbled.
“And how are you going to get to a doctor’s appointment without rousing suspicion?” If she hadn’t been driving, Charmaine’s hands would have been on her hips.
“I’ll just tell him that it’s women problems. He won’t ask questions,” Lily winked.
“No I don’t suspect he will. Men hate women problems,” Charmaine chuckled. “You know you won’t get any work done, don’t you? You’ll be too busy ogling him.” Charmaine laughed but Lily failed to see the funny side. The fact was, she still remembered a long time ago when she left him behind to see the world. Back then, the thrill of him and this simple life wasn’t enough to keep her from following her dream. She realized now that she had only been following a fantasy and what she wanted didn’t actually exist. How was he ever going to forgive her for that? And how could she ask him too?
The next morning, Lily toweled her hair on her way back to her room. It was still dark outside. She could just make out the pink start to the sunrise from the small basement window in her borrowed room. She was thankful her morning sickness didn’t last long this morning and was hopeful it would stay at bay for the rest of the day.
The butterflies hadn’t left her stomach since seeing Wade yesterday though and she couldn’t forget their history together no matter how hard she tried. She just hoped it wouldn’t get in the way of her working for him.
She really needed this job. She couldn’t let anything get in the way of that. She had to focus on the bigger picture.
But try as she might, she couldn’t stop the images of the last time they saw each other playing through her mind.
She wasn’t proud of it or how she’d acted. He had deserved way more than that, especially from her.
She wiped a tear from her cheek, sank down onto her bed and let the memories she’d been holding back for days finally come.
*
“Don’t go,” Wade pleaded, clutching her hand.
Lily felt embarrassment color her face at the scene Wade was creating in the air terminal. “Shhh,” she whispered, pulling her hand from his. “We can talk about this later.” She had to get out of this town before it was too late. She couldn’t end up like her mother.
“No Lily, we can’t. You’re leaving now. Today. You wouldn’t talk about it earlier. You have to listen to me now.”
She cringed when his voice grew louder. “Please Wade,” she whispered, “don’t do this.”
Wade stood in front of her with a look of confusion on his face. “I thought you loved me.”
“I did,” she said urgently. Why couldn’t he understand that she had to do this? She had to follow her dream before she ended up in butt-fuck Alberta for the rest of her life. She was not becoming one of the many high school brides who never left town or got a career and then at the age of thirty had five kids and an affair with their neighbor. She did not want to end up like one of them. She’d end up resenting Wade forever if she stayed. She couldn’t do that to him.
“Did?” Wade’s face drained of color as he stared at her in shock. “Did love me?”
“Do! I do love you,” she corrected quickly.
Wade took his cowboy hat off and spun it in his hands. Tears marked his face. “You don’t. Honestly Lily, if you never loved me, why did you let me think you did? You think I enjoy this?” He waved his hand around at the people watching the scene as more tears slipped down his cheeks. “You think I enjoy being made a fool of? Fuck you, Lily. Fuck you and your Goddamn dream of making it big. I hope you have a great fucking life in fucking Toronto.”
He’d walked away from her then. Storming past commuters and security guards without a backwards glance. Before she could run after him, her name was paged over the loud speaker. Her final boarding call. She’d had to make a split-second decision. Run after Wade and beg for his forgiveness, or turn her back on that part of her life and follow her dream.
He would get over her, she told herself as she headed towards her gate.
She had a plane to catch.
*
Lily wiped at her tears and looked at the small clock next to her bed. Shit, now she was running late. She regretted how she treated him back then. She was just a child, too interested in what other people thought of her instead of worrying about the man who had loved her with all that he had.
She knew now that it was the embarrassment of what her mother had done that made her want to leave town as quickly as possible. At the time she just wouldn’t admit it. Not to herself and definitely not to Wade.
She quickly pulled on her jeans and thick socks. She wished she had some proper boots to wear. She’d have to put on her runners today. She’d make the trip out to her mom and dad’s soon to pick up her old stuff. Something else she’d been putting off. Pretty soon she was going to have to grow up and face the consequences of her actions.
She let out a big sigh. Her life hadn’t turned out at all like she had planned. When she’d assured herself that Wade would get over her, she never suspected that she’d never get over him. As for her dream?
It never came close to coming true.
She’d naively thought that all she needed to do was show up in Toronto, go to a few auditions and then be snapped up by some theatre company. Ha! There were thousands of kids just like her, who could sing and dance and act just like movie stars. She quickly learned the ones who got picked up had something extra – that little spark behind their eyes… or knowing the right people to get the job. Sadly, she had neither. And the more times she was rejected, the more the spark behind her own eyes died.
She checked the clock again. She’d better hurry.
She grabbed a woolly sweater from her suitcase, which was still lying open on the floor at the end of her bed, thrust her arms into it and pulled it over
