him? It wasn’t as if she was going to see him again. And he always had been a good listener.
“No, I don’t mind. I just don’t want to upset Granny and Pops. Justin has been gone for a year now, but the loss is still tender for them.”
He nodded. “I can imagine. For you and the children, as well.”
She nodded and tried to swallow around the lump of emotion clogging her throat, blinking back the tears that burned in the corners of her eyes. She hadn’t allowed herself to cry in months, and now already today she’d been on the verge of tears several times.
Eliza returned with steaming red-and-green-striped mugs of coffee, then excused herself and followed her husband down the hall. Sarah watched silently until she was out of sight.
“How’d you meet Justin?” Marcus asked.
That wasn’t the question she’d expected and it took her off guard. Most people only wanted to know how he’d died, not how they’d met.
“In a marketing class my last year of college. He was twelve years older than me and I thought the fact that his family owned a Christmas tree farm was romantic.” She laughed drily at the irony. She and Justin had had a happy marriage, but nothing over-the-moon and starry-eyed. Not as she’d felt when she was with Marcus. “We dated for a little over a year and then he asked me to marry him.”
Marcus’s smile looked strained. She couldn’t blame him. It was an odd conversation to be having with an ex. “You said yes, obviously.”
“It seemed like the next logical step.”
His eyebrows rose. “Logical?”
She shrugged. “You know me. Ever the pragmatist.”
“I remember. You told me not to bring you flowers so often because they faded and died within a week and my money could be better spent on other things.”
“Which is true. As I recall, you never listened to me.”
“That’s because you deserve pretty things and I enjoyed giving them to you.”
Her stomach fluttered when she realized he’d used the present tense of deserve, as if he still felt something for her. He’d always had the habit of saying things that ruffled her. Apparently that hadn’t changed with time.
“The farm belongs to Justin’s family. I moved out here and did computer coding work at home until Onyx came along. After that I dropped back to part-time so I could take care of her.”
“And Jewel?”
“Jewel was born after Justin passed away. His accident was on Christmas Eve last year. I was three months pregnant at the time.”
Marcus captured her gaze with his, his eyes clouding with sympathy and concern.
She didn’t want him to feel sorry for her, especially since the story was only going to go downhill from here. She remembered how naturally empathetic and sensitive Marcus was, how he’d always seemed to be able to feel her emotions. He rode her roller coaster of highs and lows right along with her. The more she told him now the worse it would be. Her pride flared at the realization that he might pity her. She couldn’t even stand to think about that.
Her current position wasn’t entirely her fault. Most of the blame lay at Justin’s feet. But she owned up to her own role in the drama.
A deep, undecipherable sound echoed from his throat. He reached for her but she instinctively jerked back. If Marcus put his arms around her right now she would lose it, and she refused to cry in front of him.
He lowered his arms, his hands twitching into fists. The corners of his full lips bowed downward, and her stomach churned. She hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings, but she had only a tenuous hold on her own emotions and she simply couldn’t risk it.
“There was an unexpected storm on the day before Christmas last year—much like this one. It came out of nowhere and created whiteout conditions on the roads.
“Onyx had seen a television commercial for this specific doll and it was all she talked about for a good month solid. Naturally it was the top-selling girl’s toy that year. We’d planned to do our shopping on Black Friday but no matter how many stores we hit, we couldn’t get our hands on that exact doll, and we knew nothing else would do for her. We called dozens of stores but couldn’t find it anywhere. We checked online but people were selling the doll at ridiculous prices, as if it were some kind of collector’s item and not a piece of cheap plastic in a fabric dress.”
He chuckled softly. “Crazy, right? I remember desperately wanting a Tickle Me Elmo toy for Christmas when I was a kid. I didn’t get it, although I sincerely doubt my mom put much effort into finding one.” Marcus’s voice lowered, rough with bitterness, and Sarah knew why.
His mother was an alcoholic who’d abandoned her family when Marcus was five. Unless something had changed in the years since Sarah had last seen him, he hadn’t heard from his mother even once since she left, not even when he graduated from high school.
And as if that wasn’t enough trauma for a child to go through, his dad had died in a tractor accident when he was nine, leaving him and his older brother, Matt, to be raised by Sheryl, his grandmother on his father’s side of the family. She was a faithful and kind woman who’d given him a good Christian upbringing and had showered him with love. At the end of the day, his grandma had turned out to be a great blessing to him, but Sarah didn’t blame him for harboring a bit of resentment in his heart toward his mother. He’d been through a lot.
“I remember Elmo, too. What a silly little toy that was. The doll Onyx wanted had a different cry for when she was wet or hungry.”
“A doll that bawls when she gets hungry? That sounds kind of creepy to me.”
Sarah nodded. She agreed wholeheartedly about that doll and she hated it for what it represented. Justin’s death. Her deep and abiding sense of loneliness. Even though she still had a loving family surrounding her, sometimes she felt as if she were all alone in the universe. Even her prayers seemed to bounce back at her.
“On the morning of Christmas Eve, we got a call from a local toy shop in Golden. They had one doll available if we could get into town before the store closed. I told Justin that I didn’t think it was worth going out in the storm. The weather conditions were terrible. Onyx had plenty of other gifts to open. She wouldn’t have felt deprived. But he was always a stubborn man, and he insisted he could make it if he went out on his ATV. He would have done anything for his precious little girl.”
Marcus nodded.
“He phoned me when he made it to town safely and picked up the doll for Onyx.” She could barely force the words through her dry lips. “He said the roads weren’t as bad as he’d thought they would be and not to worry about him. But he never made it back. He hit a patch of black ice on the road and slid into a tree. Died instantly.”
Marcus reached for her again, and this time she let him envelop her free hand in his large, steady one. He pulled her gently to her feet, careful not to wake Jewel, who was now sleeping in the crook of her arm.
He swept a stray lock of hair behind her ear and let his palm linger on her cheek. “I’m so, so sorry for everything you’ve suffered. My heart goes out to you.
