Anyway, Kelly adores her and has already said she can be in the show,’ he says, pursing his lips and stroking the dog’s head. ‘And I’ll have you know that Pussy is a very apt name for a department store pet.’
‘Whaat?’
‘As in Mrs Slocombe’s cat, she called it Pussy.’
‘Who?’
‘Are You Being Served … ring any bells?’ he says, pulling an exasperated face.
‘What are you going on about?’
‘Oh never mind. Before your time, obvs. Although, of course, I only have an extremely vague memory of catching a glimpse of it once as a newborn peering up from my cradle,’ he quickly adds.
‘But this is Carrington’s. A department store, in case you’d forgotten. People don’t bring pets to work. And besides, since when did you have a dog?’ I ask, desperately trying to keep up with it all.
‘From about seven o’clock this morning when I arrived at work,’ he pauses, and a faint glimmer of shame darts across his face. Eddie never ever exerts himself by doing extra hours. ‘I thought it best to put in an early appearance, what with everything going on … Tom might need me,’ he explains, fiddling with Pussy’s collar to avoid eye contact. ‘I rescued her. Poor thing,’ he adds, kissing the top of Pussy’s head before settling her back down in the basket.
‘Rescued her?’
‘That’s right. From the Carrington’s pet spa,’ he says.
‘Pet spa?’
‘Yes! Angel, why do you keep repeating everything I say?’ Eddie tilts his head to one side and pulls an exaggerated curious face.
‘Hazard a guess. Maybe it’s because … I have no bloody idea what you’re going on about,’ I say, flinching as my voice jumps up several octaves. ‘It’s like I’ve stumbled into some weird dream sequence. A nightmare even.’
‘Oh don’t be so dramatic. I know you have a tendency to put two and two together and come up with five billion, but honestly darling … ’ He shrugs.
‘Ha! You’re a fine one to talk.’
‘Shush. I’m a queen. It’s my job.’ Eddie does kissy lips and tweaks my cheek. ‘Besides, it’s your most adorable foible.’
‘What do you mean? I don’t have foibles.’ I shake my head and pull a face.
‘Yes you do.’
‘No I don’t.’ Eddie puts his arm around my shoulders and gives them a quick squeeze.
‘Oh, you look so indignant. But that’s why I love you,’ he says. I stick my tongue out and Eddie laughs. ‘Anyway, where was I? Oh yes … about the spa, apparently it was one of Kelly’s genius ideas to boost revenue. That dingy hairdressing salon next door has been cleared out and transformed into Carrington’s very own pet boudoir … just like at Harrods.’ He drops his arm and makes impressive eyes. ‘There’s an adorable doggy exercise area, cute wardrobe accessories section and even an assortment of puppies and kittens to actually buy. I took one look at Pussy and thought enough!’ He flings up a palm. ‘I couldn’t bear to think of her cooped up in a pokey little cage all day long waiting for some RHONY wannabe with a penchant for baby-pink marabou puff mules to buy her and call her Viennetta or something equally ludicrous.’ He clenches his jaw in horror and I raise an eyebrow. ‘You should see it in there, the transformation is incredible; must have been like one of those interior design programmes where Melinda turns up with a flash mob of decorators and practically does out a whole house in like … under three minutes,’ he gasps in a very stagey voice, having obviously elevated himself to first-name terms with all the celebrities now.
‘Slight exaggeration.’
‘Whatevs! But I’m surprised you didn’t spot the difference on your way into work.’
‘I guess I had other things on my mind,’ I mutter, wondering how they managed the makeover in such record time. It was still a hairdresser’s when I left work on Saturday evening. ‘Look, I have to see Tom before this whole place goes nuts.’
Pulling my coat off and dumping my bag down on Eddie’s desk, I step around the enormous silver and purple themed Christmas tree, narrowly missing the mountainous pile of fake wrapped presents underneath, and head towards Tom’s office.
‘But you can’t go in there.’ Eddie does a running bodyslam at the door before pinning a hand on each side of the frame.
‘Try and stop me,’ I say, attempting to fling him out of my way by prising free the fingers of his right hand. He quickly caves in and turns around to face me.
‘Really. Georgie, please, you don’t want to go in there. Trust me. Not like this. Calm down first. Here. Open.’ Performing a spectacular pincer move, Eddie grabs my jaw between his thumb and index finger, and without thinking I open my mouth just as he squirts two puffs of Bach Flower Remedy onto my tongue. In a desperate attempt to get rid of the flowery perfume taste that’s swirling around my mouth, I quickly retrieve Mrs Grace’s pear drop from my pocket, shove it in my mouth and crunch it up furiously, almost biting my tongue in the process. ‘Oh dear. Here … ’ And Eddie grabs up a canary yellow paper fan from his desk and starts batting it around in front of my face. ‘For stress, sweetie. For stress.’
‘Will you just stop it?’ I say, pushing the fan away and almost choking as the remainder of the pear drop propels down my throat. I cough really hard. Eddie jumps behind me and slings his arms around my boobs.
‘Get off me,’ I say, untangling myself from his clutch. ‘What do you think you are doing?’ I turn around to face him.
‘Spoilsport!’ He sticks his bottom lip out. ‘I’ve been dying to do the Heimlich manoeuvre ever since I went on that course. There’s just no fun in being a Carrington’s designated first-aider if all I’m doing is dishing out plasters for boring old paper cuts.’
‘Well I’m sorry to disappoint,’ I say, straightening my uniform of V-neck black top, trousers and gold Carrington’s name badge.
‘Oh please don’t make a fuss. It’s sooo not a good vibe. And Kelly is adorable. I think you’re going to love her.’ I raise my eyebrows. He must be having a laugh. ‘Yes, I took the liberty of tactfully mentioning the … ’ he pauses, does a furtive left-then-right look before mouthing, ‘“shop girl” comment. And you know what, she just threw her head back and roared. Actually roared with laughter. She didn’t mean anything by it. She said it’s all part of the show, set up purely to entertain the audience, and she knows that you’re a fabulous sales person in real life,’ he gushes, like some deluded groupie.
‘Eddie, are you totally bonkers? That Ronald McDonald lookalike made a complete fool of Annie and me,’ I bellow. ‘And why does everyone keep on implying that the show isn’t real life? We’re real people with real lives working in a traditional department store. Get over it.’ I let out a big puff of air before smoothing down my hair.
‘Oooh. Harsh,’ Eddie whispers into my face, giving me a daggers look.
‘No. Reality. So stick that in your dramality pipe and smoke
