else’s job is—’
‘Oooh! Talk about blue eyes.’ Kate’s head was turned to the laptop to her left. ‘He is gorgeous.’
‘Good photography,’ said Sophie instantly, remembering her first reaction to Todd’s by-line picture on the website.
‘Methinks you doth protest too much,’ said Kate.
‘He’s well out of my league and very popular with the ladies. There’s a nice guy in advertising.’
‘Ah-ha,’ said Kate.
‘You’re like a bloody terrier, woman. I’ve only been here five minutes. It’s going to take time to get my bearings and get to know people.’
Kate’s mouth firmed. ‘No Soph, not normally.’ There was a long pause. ‘Not with you. You make friends with everyone, instantly. I think you’re hiding away. That’s not like you, Soph. Be honest. I’m worried about you. I thought getting away from London would be good for you and that New York would be a new start. It feels like you’re hibernating.’
Sophie stiffened. This was why she’d avoided calling or Facetiming anyone back home. Thankfully her parents were away on a six-month cruise and she could get away with brief texts and WhatsApp messages. In the throes of packing and closing up the house they’d been distracted enough not to ask too many questions about her hasty decision to move to New York, and she might have just omitted to tell them about James.
Kate’s face stared solemnly at her from the phone screen and in the corner her own scared face stared back at her. The words ‘cornered rabbit’ had never been truer.
For a minute she tried to think of a dozen other things to say, but she couldn’t lie, not to Kate, and the horrible truth she’d been trying to avoid came spilling out.
‘I miss him. I know he’s a shit. I know he lied his arse off. I hate him.’ Her heart clenched and she sucked in a breath. ‘But I … I miss him.’ She was not going to cry. ‘So much. It’s like there’s this huge hole. Everything I knew and thought … it’s like it’s been scrubbed out and there’s nothing left. I feel empty and it feels impossible to look forward. I’m too busy looking back. Everything I thought … it wasn’t anything. It was based on one huge lie. Part of me still can’t believe it. And I still … I still love him. And I hate that I do.’ Her mouth crumpled and she blinked hard. ‘I really hate that I … s-still …’
‘Oh Soph, sweetie. I wish I was there. I’m sorry.’ Kate held her hand over her mouth, her eyes semaphoring worry and concern. ‘You’re so far away. I wish I hadn’t encouraged you to go now.’
Sophie sucked in another breath, feeling it catch in her chest. She couldn’t do this to Kate. It wasn’t fair. With real effort, she forced a smile onto her face. ‘Kate Sinclair, don’t you dare start feeling guilty. I chose to come here. And I wanted to. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. You’re right. I haven’t been trying enough. I haven’t been trying at all. Must try harder. I promise this weekend I will go out and start exploring. And I’ll make a bit more effort at work to get to know a few people.’
Kate gave her a watery smile. ‘Atta girl. Sorry, I didn’t mean to nag. I miss you.’
‘I miss you too, but I promise I’m … or I will be OK. But you’re right. I’ve been hibernating. From now on, I’ll get out there.’
Sophie closed her eyes as she switched off her phone. Without Kate’s voice, the apartment felt alien and empty. It was far too soon to go to bed, which was what she did most nights when the loneliness got too much to bear. Although most nights she was still awake at eleven. Staring up at the ceiling. Wishing she could turn the clock back. But that was cowardly, and it couldn’t change what James had done. Being ignorant didn’t make it any better. Or remove all the lies.
There was a particular crack on the ceiling. It curved from the window to the corner of the room, widening at the two-thirds mark before narrowing and disappearing again. It had become a visual reminder of her battle to keep thoughts of James at bay, as if they were crowding behind that crack, trying to work their way through, and that’s when she had to work extra hard not to think of him. Not to think of all those evenings pottering happily in the kitchen, cooking special meals for him. Not to remember waking up in the mornings with his tousled dark head next to hers. Not to long for those evenings simply snuggled up on the sofa, slobbing out after work, watching some TV detective series they both enjoyed.
With a sigh, she stood up and tucked the phone in her pocket as she looked around the kitchen. Had Kate picked up on how spotless the place was? How unnaturally she’d overdone things the previous weekend when she’d binge-watched nineteen episodes of Friends.
Through the open window she could hear laughter floating up from the street, the pounding bass from a passing car, and smell the warm city air, a smoky mix of onions and diesel. Brooklynites had come out to play on Friday night. She stood by the window for a while, people watching. A group of young men in jeans, baggy T-shirts and back-to-front baseball caps walked together, nudging and teasing each other as they loped along the pavement, moving aside for single late returners from work, determinedly walking the last leg of their commute, bearing shopping bags like champions bringing home the bread. The cheerful noise and bustle below heightened her sense of aloneness and the paralysis that seemed to have set in, stopping her from leaving the apartment.
What she hadn’t told Kate was that she doubted her own judgement. It had proved so false, some days she found it impossible to make a decision. It wasn’t as if she’d even decided consciously to come to New York. There was no weighing up the pros and cons, examining what it would really entail. No, she’d grabbed at the offer, grasping it with desperate, greedy hands as if it were a life-raft amidst the storm of fear, rage and utter despair.
Just as she was about to shut the window, she heard a loud rattle from inside the building, followed by a bang, a crash and then a loud curse. ‘You’re fucking kidding me.’
Hurrying to her door, she opened it and ventured to the top of the stairs. In an ungainly tangle of limbs, Bella sprawled on the landing at the top of the next flight of stairs below. Sophie hurried down.
‘What happened?’ she asked as she helped Bella up.
Wide-eyed, Bella clutched her hand to her chest. She’d clearly given herself quite a fright. Sucking in a quick breath, she said, ‘Tripped on the last step. For a horrible darn minute, I thought I was going to take a header straight down.’ Bella’s lip quivered and she hauled herself to a seated position, rubbing at her knee. With a sniff she nodded, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
‘Are you OK?’ asked Sophie, feeling useless, standing over Bella.
‘I will b-be in a mo.’ She closed her eyes tight and carried on rubbing at her knee, her teeth gnawing at her lip. ‘I daren’t look. I’m trying to think really positive here, but right now I can’t think of a single angle. Are they all completely ruined?’
Sophie peered down at the frosting-spattered stairs. A rainbow of bright blobs of red, yellow, blue and green was liberally dotted everywhere. Paintball splats on virtually every tread.
‘Difficult to tell. Some of them … might … be salvageable.’ The doubt was clear in her voice. From here they looked pretty battered.
‘Aw, shit!’ Bella angrily dashed at the lone tear that escaped. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit. I just spent the last three hours
