Go fuck yourself.
The man behind the reception desk jumps as I slam up against it.
‘Is he here?’
‘Is who here?’ He’s a tall man, over six foot with balding hair and an auburn moustache. The buttons of his shirt strain over his gut.
‘My son. Billy. He’s fifteen.’ I raise a hand above my head. ‘He’s about this tall.’
‘Did he check in with you?’
I don’t know. The last thing I remember was running out of Liz’s house. How did I get here and why don’t I remember? Am I asleep? Unconscious? Did I trip and hit my head when I was running? But this feels real. The reception area feels solid under my fingertips. I can smell the musty aroma of old furnishings beneath the pungent scent of furniture polish. ‘I’ve got no idea. Could you check to see if he’s booked in? His name’s Billy Wilkinson.’
The man runs a thumb along the length of his gingery moustache. ‘And your name is?’
‘Claire Wilkinson.’
He reaches for a clipboard on his desk. He raises it to eye level, then mutters, ‘I can’t see a thing without my glasses,’ and replaces the clipboard and begins ferreting around in a drawer. I tap the counter as he searches. It’s all I can do not to clamber over the top and snatch up the clipboard.
‘There!’ I point at a pair of glasses on top of a paperback book. ‘Your glasses are there.’
‘Ah, thank you.’ It takes an age for him to clasp his fingers around them, for ever for him to unfold them and then, as he finally places them on his nose, he removes them again and wipes the lenses on the hem of his jumper.
‘If you could hurry. Please. It’s urgent.’
‘All in good time, Mrs Wilkinson, all in good time.’
‘Hmmm.’ He hums through his nose. ‘Room eleven, is that right?’
I hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs but it’s a middle-aged man, not Billy, who steps into the reception area and raises a cheery hand at the man behind the desk. ‘I don’t know what room I’m in. I didn’t look.’
The receptionist gives me a quizzical look, then says, ‘I’ve got a Mrs Wilkinson in room eleven. Queen room. One occupant.’
I press a hand to my forehead but the fog in my brain remains. Somehow I booked myself into a B&B in Weston. I can’t remember doing it, so either I did check in and I don’t remember or … nothing. There’s a black void where my memory should be. ‘Could Billy have checked into one of the other rooms?’
The man’s lips disappear beneath the bushy arc of his moustache. ‘I can’t give out information about other guests. Guesthouse policy.’
A vision plays out in front of my eyes, of me ripping the clipboard out of his hands and smashing him around the head with it – thwack, thwack, thwack – and I have to close them tightly shut to make it disappear. When I open them again he’s still pursing his lips, still staring at me.
‘Billy is my son. He’s missing. You have to tell me if he’s here.’
‘Missing? Goodness. Have you told the police?’
‘Yes. Six months ago. Please! I need to know if he’s here or not.’ I lean over the counter and reach for the clipboard but he snatches it away, flattening it against his chest.
‘I’ve got a flier.’ I duck down and rummage around in my bag. ‘Here!’ I hold the appeal leaflet face out so he’s eye to eye with Billy’s photo.
The man gives the briefest of nods when he’s finished reading and our eyes meet as I lower the leaflet. There. He’s giving me the look. The ‘you poor bloody woman’ look I’ve come to know so well.
‘I wouldn’t normally do this but …’ He presses his glasses slowly onto his nose, lowers the clipboard and dips his head. He trails a bitten-down fingernail along the list and my heart stills when his finger stops.
Has he …
Is it …
He shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry. There’s no Billy Wilkinson on this list.’
‘Maybe he’s using a different name?’
He places the clipboard on the desk and presses down on it with his palms. ‘It’s a small hotel, Mrs Wilkinson, just thirteen rooms. We’ve got a couple in with a teenage girl and half a dozen families with young children. I’d remember your son’s face if I’d booked him in.’
‘Does no one else take the bookings?’
There’s sadness in his eyes now. Sadness and pity. ‘No. I’m really very sorry.’
The tension that’s been holding me upright for the length of the conversation vanishes and I slump against the desk, eviscerated. It’s all I can do not to lay the side of my face on the cool wood and close my eyes.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he says again.
I look up. ‘Did you check me in?’
He nods. ‘Yes. One night, paid upfront. Don’t you remember?’
‘No. I don’t remember walking in, or even how I got to Weston. One minute I was talking to a friend in Bristol and the next …’ I can’t explain what happened because I don’t understand it myself. I came to but not in the way you do when you wake up after a nap or a long sleep. And it wasn’t like the hazy slip into consciousness after a general anaesthetic either. I was awake but my mind was muddled, tangled in a jumble of sounds, images and thoughts that gradually faded away. And then everything was sharp, in focus, as I became aware of my surroundings. And it was terrifying. Utterly terrifying.
‘Boozy lunch, was it?’ the man asks, the sympathy in his eyes dulling.
‘No,’ I say. ‘We were drinking tea.’
‘Sounds like you should get yourself to a doctor.’
‘I will. Just as soon as I get home.’ I crouch down and pull on my boots and socks. A drop of sweat rolls down my lower back as I haul the strap of my handbag over my shoulder.
‘Thank you,’ I say as I head for the door.
‘No problem.’
I wrench the door open and then, as the sea air hits me, I turn back. The receptionist looks up, Billy’s flier still in his hands.
‘Can I just ask one more thing? Was I alone when I checked in?’
‘You were, yes.’
‘And did I seem frightened? Scared? Confused?’
‘No.
