in her veins thawed and was flowing around her body once more, then forced down a breakfast of black coffee and two slices of granary toast. Chewing was a chore. Part of her was excited to return to work, hold her head up high and show the world she was still a force to be reckoned with. Another part of her was crying inside and longing for the security of her duvet once again.
Her three-year-old Ford Focus stuttered in the cold but didn’t take too long to warm up. It was as if it knew she wanted a smooth ride with no trouble on her first day back.
The twenty-minute journey went without a hitch, and she was soon turning into the familiar car park. It was as if she had never been away. She took a deep breath, allowed herself a little smile, and turned left to her usual parking space.
Matilda quickly slammed on the brakes and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest and the prickly sensation of an oncoming panic attack rose up the back of her neck.
‘Walpole, Compton, Pelham, Newcastle, Devonshire,’ she whispered under her breath.
She looked ahead at the brand-new black Audi in her parking space. Who did it belong to? Had the owner not been informed of her return? She had a lump in her throat that was hard to swallow. Suddenly she didn’t think coming back was such a good idea.
Fifteen minutes later, after finding an empty parking space at the back of the building, she was sitting on an uncomfortable chair, the padding in the seat dangling out, waiting to be called into her boss’s office.
She looked around the small anteroom at the cheap framed prints on the walls. There was a tall vase of plastic flowers in the corner; each fake petal had a thick layer of dust, dulling the lively colours to a pathetic grey. There was a sharp smell of pine disinfectant in the air, which was itching at the back of her throat.
The light above the door turned from red to green.
‘Shit,’ she said to herself. ‘Here we go.’
She stood up and straightened her new navy trouser suit. It was the first new item of clothing she’d bought in over a year, and it had been an unwelcome surprise to find she’d gone up a dress size. She ran her fingers through her dark blonde hair, which had been neatly trimmed only last week. Matilda was forty-one years old, and felt like she was about to enter the head teacher’s office to be told off for cheating on her maths test.
Before pushing down the door handle she looked at her hands; they were shaking. This was not a good sign.
‘Oh my goodness, look at you.’ Every word was said as if a sentence of its own. It was highly unprofessional, but Assistant Chief Constable Valerie Masterson leapt up from behind her oversized desk and took Matilda in a tight embrace. ‘Sit yourself down. I have a pot of coffee just made.’
They sat at opposite sides of the desk, which dwarfed the slight frame of the ACC. They examined each other in silence for a long minute.
To Matilda, Valerie looked much older than her fifty-three years. She was thinner than the last time they’d met, and she had more wrinkles, as if she had a slow puncture. Matilda briefly wondered if Valerie was thinking similar negative remarks about her; Can she tell I’ve put on weight. Is my hair a mess? Have I aged much?
‘You’re looking very well,’ Valerie lied convincingly.
‘Thank you. I feel well,’ Matilda lied back.
Valerie Masterson, a caffeine addict, did not like the black goo that came out of the vending machines dotted around the police station, so had her own personal Gaggia in her office. She poured them both a medium-sized cup, white with one sugar for herself and, remembering, black for Matilda.
‘So, your first day back. Are you ready for this?’
‘I really am. I want to put this past year behind me and get back to normal as quickly as possible.’
‘I’m sure you do. Unfortunately, I can’t return you to active duty just yet.’
The painted-on smile suddenly fell from Matilda’s face. ‘Why not? We discussed on the phone last week…’
‘What I mean is that I have to adhere to the conditions laid out in your psychiatric report.’
‘My what?’
Valerie leaned forward and pulled a brown folder from deep within her in tray. She took out the five-page report and began skimming through it.
Matilda was itching to lean across the desk, snatch the report from her, and find out what that belittling therapist had been saying about her.
‘Now there’s no need to worry. I don’t know any of the details of your sessions with Dr Warminster. Those, as you know, are private. However, Dr Warminster was asked to submit a report before you returned to work; giving her opinion on your readiness and the level of workload you would be able to cope with.’
‘She’s not happy with me returning to full-time duty?’ Beneath the desk Matilda screwed her hands into tight fists, her fingernails digging hard into her palms. Her knuckles were white. The pain ran up her arms and she could almost feel the instant relief.
‘Not at all. She has written a glowing report. She admires your courage and your recovery.’ The ACC smiled.
Was that a genuine smile or was it forced? There was no wrinkling around the eyes to express a sincere smile, but then there wasn’t much room on her face for more wrinkles. Matilda chastised herself for letting her mind wander. ‘But…’
‘She just doesn’t think you should be running a major department straightaway. She recommends you be eased back into work slowly, and I tend to agree.’
‘Is this a cosy way of telling me I’m being demoted?’ Throughout her nine months away, one of the main issues on Matilda’s mind was being stripped of the Detective Chief Inspector title she had worked so hard to achieve.
‘You are not being demoted Matilda. You are one of South Yorkshire’s leading DCIs. You’re well known for your work and dedication. But I can’t have you handling a major investigation until all parties concerned know you are ready to do so.’
‘All parties?’
‘You, me, Dr Warminster, the Chief Constable. We are all behind you one hundred per cent.’
Newcastle, Bute, Grenville, Rockingham, Pitt the Elder, she said to herself. Why was the mere mention of her therapist’s name causing her such anxiety? She managed to control her stress by reciting the names of British Prime Ministers; a technique suggested by Dr Warminster in the first place.
Matilda knew that the support of her superiors was a hollow promise. Yes, she had made a mistake. Yes, she had suffered for it. ‘Look, there’s no denying I’ve changed in the past year, but I am still a DCI. I’m still capable of doing my job. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be here now. I know I can do this.’ She wondered who she was trying to convince.
Valerie reached into her top drawer and pulled out a thick file. The folder had seen better days and was covered in coffee-mug rings and splashes. ‘Do you remember the Harkness killings?’ she asked, interlocking her fingers and resting her hands on top of the file.
Matilda knew where this was going. ‘You’re
