away the groceries and went to find her bathers. It was an afternoon ritual for her to meet Sam at the swimming pool on the naval base for a late-afternoon swim and a game of tennis or a drink with whoever was around in the officers’ mess. The base was only a five-minute drive from their married quarters and the trip was worth every second in this hot and humid climate.
Juliet found her swimsuit and changed out of her sundress. As she stepped out of her underwear she noticed some spots of blood. Just small spots, but surely that wasn’t normal. Beside her bed was the bible of expectant mothers and, slightly panicked, Juliet grabbed the book, searching for information. What did the book say about spotting? Was there anything in there to reassure her?
Chapter two said some women got spotting in the first month of pregnancy around about the time their period would normally be due. The advice was to rest and see if the bleeding stopped. But Juliet was eleven weeks pregnant. She flipped through the book, frantically searching for more. Chapter seven talked about bleeding in the last few weeks of pregnancy but there was nothing in between. She found nothing that set her mind at ease. Swimming was obviously out of the question if there was bleeding. Rest seemed to be the answer. She lay on her bed and continued scouring her book for any more information as she willed herself to stay calm and relaxed and prayed for the bleeding to stop.
It didn’t.
Calm and relaxed turned into stomach cramps. Juliet was almost too afraid to check but she had to know. She went to the bathroom. The bleeding was heavier and the blood was bright red. That wasn’t good.
She phoned Sam and he was by her side within ten minutes. Fifteen minutes after that he’d whisked her off to the emergency department at the Darwin Hospital and she was being taken into a cubicle for an ultrasound scan. Sam held her hand as the technician started the consult and stayed beside her when the technician went to call for the doctor. Juliet felt her pulse increase its pace with nervousness. She wanted the technician to show her an image of the baby on the screen, not fetch the doctor. She’d read enough of her pregnancy book to know she should be able to see her baby on the monitor. The only thing that kept her from panicking, that prevented her from screaming and yelling and demanding to know what was wrong, was Sam’s calming presence. She knew if he let go of her hand she would lose control. Somehow Sam knew that too and he held his position, comforting her with his solid, dependable presence. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, things would be okay as long as Sam was there.
The female doctor was young, too young to be completely reassuring, but she had a calm and confident manner that helped to put Juliet at ease.
‘How far along are you?’ the doctor asked as she moved the ultrasound over Juliet’s abdomen.
‘Eleven weeks.’
The doctor nodded and then pointed towards the ultrasound monitor. There was a little arrow that moved about the screen as she manipulated the mouse. ‘Can you see that circle?’ she asked. ‘That’s the foetal sac.’
Yes, Juliet thought, that’s better. The doctor will be able to show me my baby. Maybe the technician was just having trouble finding it. But the doctor hadn’t finished.
‘I should be able to see a heartbeat within the sac but there’s nothing there. Your baby hasn’t developed.’ The doctor removed the ultrasound transducer from Juliet’s abdomen and wiped the gel off her stomach. ‘I’m sorry.’
Juliet had no words of reply.
Sam wasn’t quite as stunned. ‘You’re sorry? What do you mean, you’re sorry? We had a positive pregnancy test,’ he said. A frown creased his forehead and Juliet knew he was trying to understand what the doctor was telling them. It wasn’t making much sense to her either.
‘You were pregnant but the pregnancy hasn’t progressed,’ the doctor explained.
‘You’re telling us there’s no baby?’
The doctor nodded.
‘What happened?’ Sam asked.
‘We never really know,’ the doctor replied. ‘It’s impossible to tell at this stage?the foetus just stops developing. One in three babies don’t make it. It’s not uncommon, it’s just that people don’t talk about it much. Give yourself some time to heal and grieve and then you can try again. Most of the time there’s no rhyme or reason for losing a baby, just like there’s no reason to think things will go wrong next time.’
Juliet didn’t say a word. She couldn’t think about the next time, all she could think about was this baby they’d just lost. The doctor had called it a foetus, but it hadn’t been a foetus, not to her. It had been their baby.
Sam took her home and put her to bed and held her while she cried, held her while she mourned their child. He didn’t try to tell her everything would be okay. It was too soon for that and Juliet loved him for being able to feel her loss. He felt it too.
A baby had been the next step in their life together. Juliet doted on her sister’s children. Maggie had married and had had her children at a young age, and while Juliet loved her niece and nephew she’d never had a burning desire to have her own family until she’d met Sam. Everything had changed for her then. She’d found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and that included the man who she wanted to be the father of her children. She’d been ecstatic to discover she was pregnant and now that had been taken away from her with no warning.
Sam had been just as excited. He was an only child and his mother had died when he’d still been quite young. While he was close to his father Juliet knew he loved the idea of creating his own family and she knew he was upset too. But Sam made it his priority to look after her and for the next few weeks Sam was her rock.
He organised sick leave for Juliet and took time off work himself and they flew to Ubud on the Indonesian island of Bali, where they spent a week in the mountains. The villa Sam rented came with a housekeeper and a cook and Juliet regained her appetite on a diet of fresh fruit, lean meats, fish and salads. They walked every morning and spent the afternoon lying by their private pool.
Juliet still cried herself to sleep but Sam was there for her and after a few days Juliet’s spirit started to recover. After four days Sam’s crooked smile returned and that lifted Juliet’s spirit even further.
After five days they ventured down the mountain into the hustle and bustle of beachside Kuta. Juliet had been apprehensive about the crowds but no one knew her and no one knew she’d just lost a baby. She looked no different to any of the other tourists and no one gave her a second glance. No one except the hawkers, but they weren’t targeting her specifically, they targeted all the foreigners.
She found the hawkers overwhelming at first after the more relaxed shopkeepers of Ubud but Sam protected her from their frenzied persistence and Juliet eventually embraced the noise and the colour and, to a lesser extent, the crowds. The smells were a little harder to embrace but even those she eventually got accustomed to. She could have hidden away from the overwhelming vibrancy, she could have insisted that Sam take her back up the mountains, but instead, with Sam beside her, she absorbed the energy and felt it restore some life into her soul. With Sam beside her she survived the streets of Kuta and that felt like a major achievement. Not only had she survived but she was starting to come back to life, and Juliet knew she would be okay, knew that, as long as she had Sam, things would be all right.
They were back at their villa in time for dinner. Sitting beside the pool, surrounded by the scent of frangipani and dining by candlelight, they began to talk about the future again, to discuss their hopes and dreams for the family
