I meant was that neither of us lives here. We may never even see each other again after tonight.”
“Do you want to see me again?”
Another long pause before he heard the small sigh escape her lips before she answered. “I’ve learned the hard way it doesn’t matter what I want.”
“It matters to me.” And it did. He hated seeing the look of defeat in her eyes and felt as if he would do anything to make it go away.
“And if I did want to see you again?”
“Then we would want the same thing.”
He waited for her response, or more so her verbal response. He didn’t miss the way her pupils dilated or the slight tremble in her response to him. “I want to see you again. I just don’t know if it is a good idea.”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because things I thought were right for me in the past have been anything but.”
“You don’t think you can trust me?”
She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready for Ryan. Why now? Except she couldn’t really begrudge his arrival in her life, because without him there was the possibility she wouldn’t be alive. Could she trust him? Her instincts said yes, but she had been so wrong before that the person she really couldn’t trust was herself.
“I don’t know what to think about any of this.”
“What does your gut tell you?”
Her gut told her that she wanted more. More of Ryan and more of the feelings he was bringing out in her. That even talking to him felt so different from her beginnings with Kevin. She didn’t feel that sense of being charmed and swept off her feet, which ironically felt better. Ryan made her feel as if this was less about him and more about her and him liking what he saw in her. What would be the harm in spending more time together? To indulge in the feelings he brought out in her? Her first fling and in less than a week they would go their separate ways, and at best he would become a beautiful memory to carry with her as she carved out her new life. At worst, well, really, what couldn’t she face after everything she had already been through?
“It’s getting late and it’s pretty dark out. Would you mind walking me back to the hotel?”
“I think I can do that.”
He signaled to the waitress and paid their bill, silencing her objections to his generosity. She also wasn’t able to slip past his gallantry as he helped her put on her jacket and held the door for her as they ventured into the slightly cooled night air.
“It is beautiful here, both day and night,” she remarked, feeling relaxation take hold of her for the first time since arriving earlier that day. A yawn escaped her as the jet lag she had been waiting for did the same.
“Careful, these roads are charming but a bit uneven.” His words were followed by his arm brushing past hers to take hold of her hand. It was the second time she had felt held to him and she allowed herself to enjoy it.
They walked the few blocks toward the hotel and her mind began to quiet as she enjoyed the evening and her time with Ryan. “It’s nice to have someone to look out for me,” she thought and said simultaneously.
The hand that had so strongly held hers pulled her toward him as they stopped still in the darkness a few meters from the hotel’s entrance. “I wish I could say that all I want to do is look out for you.” His voice, sounding slightly anguished, made the short voyage to her ears.
“What do you want to do with me?” she asked, surprised, with no essence of the “come-hither” that question would normally hold.
“This,” he answered, as his hands moved even closer to hold her against him as his lips descended on hers. His lips were hard yet so soft against her own and she welcomed the contact. She reached up, letting her hands rest against his chest, loving the feel of his firm chest as much as she enjoyed the pressure of his kiss. She felt his desire for more and she wanted the same, opening her mouth to his for him to explore. She wasn’t sure how long they stood like that, in the night, kissing, but she was certain that she had never been kissed like that before.
When they finally broke apart she felt breathless and dizzy, both in a very good way. “Thank you,” she murmured against him.
“Thank you?” he said, puzzled.
“I needed to be kissed like that.”
“I’d be happy to do it again.”
She laughed and she enjoyed the sound echoing through the night.
“Really, Erin. I have full intentions of kissing you again,” he stated outright, and she had no doubt of his plans.
“Can you meet me tomorrow?” she asked with a little hesitancy, hoping for the response she realized she desperately wanted.
“Yes.”
“Then I have no doubt you will make good on your promise. Good night. I’ll see you in the morning.” This time she initiated the kiss as she closed the gap between them once again and softly pressed her lips to his, before breaking away and moving through the hotel courtyard to the entrance. He didn’t follow her, which was good as she wasn’t sure she would be able to resist any further advances.
Ryan walked onto the balcony of his suite, which in the daytime gave him both a clear view of old Edinburgh and the sea. He sipped from a short glass of Scotch and tried to organize his thoughts and motivations.
He could no longer pretend that he was spending time with Erin to protect her from herself. Did she have a hint of sadness to her—yes. But after tonight he couldn’t make the argument that she was depressed and needed saving from herself. Maybe he had misinterpreted what had happened on Arthur’s Seat. What he hadn’t misinterpreted was his attraction to her. Tonight in the restaurant with every word that had come from her perfectly formed lips and every small move of her body toward him he’d felt a pull toward her. He had meant what he’d said to her—she was beautiful and she said what she meant, and he valued both qualities equally. So much so that he had kissed her and now wanted more.
He looked out into the night and had to blink before he believed what his eyes were showing him. On the balcony a few rooms away he saw Erin. She had changed into a dark-colored nightshirt that seemed to come just to the tops of her bare legs. It was loose on her but between the V-shaped cut of the neckline, its short length and the way a mild wind was pressing it against her he thought it was the sexiest bedtime apparel he had ever seen on a woman. He watched her, half mesmerized by her appearance and half concerned about her choice of location. What was she doing on the balcony? He exhaled a sigh of relief as she reached for a large blanket and wrapped her body in it before taking a seat in one of the balcony chairs, where she stayed staring out into the night.
Ryan, Erin thought, was she ready for Ryan? She had only said goodbye to him a few minutes ago and she already missed him, a man she just met. It was hard to reconcile all the feelings she was experiencing. One of the emotions she had felt during her divorce had been fear. Fear that outside her relationship with Kevin she had no experience with other men. Would another man find her attractive one day? And would she ever trust another man enough? And even if he did and she did, would she ever want the man she loved
