clarity of the memory of buying the extension cable for Rosa when he’d bought her a new hairdryer. It had been obvious the cable would never reach the dressing table and around the back, so he’d added it to the Christmas list as a functional extra.
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ he muttered. It was still plugged into the wall. A stupid remnant of a good stretch when he’d been able to be thoughtful, living outside the trappings of his own mind for four months without interruption. Bliss. For a second he considered phoning Rosa to remind her of the extension cord’s history. She could reclaim it when the flat was emptied out. Only then he’d have to explain where he was, and what he was doing, and she might talk him out of it. Rosa would be the only person who could. Too late, he thought. It was just an extension cable, after all. His snake of a brain had just chosen the moment to try to turn it into a lifeline instead.
Other cars beeped their horns as he took the final step up and over the railing. He stood, wobbling in the fierce breeze. Vehicles halted, forming an unofficial barrier. Doors slammed. Stephen turned around slowly. An arc of people had formed several metres away from him. He wasn’t sure if the distance was because they thought he might grab one of them and take them with him, or for fear that approaching closer might make him jump all the sooner.
In the end, one man pushed between two onlookers, hands in his pockets, casual as you like, and wandered over to stand below his position on the fencing.
‘Are you okay for me to stand here and talk to you?’ he asked.
‘Not much point,’ Stephen muttered. ‘You should probably back up a bit.’
‘Why?’ the man asked.
‘I’m going to jump and I don’t want you to feel responsible. No one else needs to be involved.’
‘That’s really thoughtful of you …’ The man left the sentence hanging. ‘That’s the part where you fill in with your name,’ he finished when there was no response.
‘Oh, sorry,’ Stephen muttered, feeling foolish and rude. ‘Stephen.’
He had no idea why he felt the need to comply with social niceties at such a life-changing time. Years of conditioning, he guessed.
‘Cool. Good to meet you, Stephen. I’m Rune Maclure.’ Sirens echoed across the expanse of water. ‘That’ll be the police. Do you feel up to talking with them, or shall I ask them to stay back, too?’
‘Keep them away,’ Stephen said, taking deep breaths and focusing on the river. The pattern of the water was making him dizzy, or perhaps it was the adrenaline. Either way, he wasn’t sure he could stay upright much longer.
‘Feeling unstable?’ Maclure asked.
He didn’t answer.
‘Relax one leg, get your balance back. Is this your stuff down here?’
‘Yeah,’ Stephen muttered.
Maclure reached down to pick it all up, pocketing the keys and mobile, holding the wallet and reading the organ donor card.
‘Hey man, you want to be a donor? That’s amazing. Too few people take that opportunity. I can’t believe you’re still thinking about other people when you’re feeling so bad. That’s pretty impressive.’
Stephen stared at him. The trick of relaxing one leg had worked. He was stable again.
‘Probably no point. They might not even find my body.’
‘That would be a shame. You look in good shape. Lots of people could benefit from those organs. It’s amazing what they can transplant these days. It’s always the part where it asks if you want to donate your eyes that blows my mind. How weird would that be, waking up after surgery, looking in the mirror to see yourself through someone else’s eyes? Incredible, really.’
Through the growing crowd of bodies appeared four police officers, talking in whispers on their radios and moving people back, away from what Stephen assumed they’d already be referring to as ‘the scene’. He hated that. Causing a scene. Being the scene. All he’d ever wanted was to blend into the crowd.
‘Don’t give it another thought. I can handle them,’ Maclure said, raising his palms in the air in a gesture that said, effortlessly, calm down, I’ve got this. He moved away to speak to the closest of the police officers, greeting her with a handshake.
Stephen watched him go, wondering why Maclure seemed so relaxed. If someone had been seconds from suicide in front of him, he’d have been frantic. His shoulders weren’t hunched, his voice was so low it was almost inaudible. There was no sense of crisis or hurry about him. He sure as hell wasn’t bipolar, Stephen thought. He’d never been that relaxed or self-assured, not for one single second of his whole bloody existence.
‘They’re going to give us some space if you could just do me a huge favour and put your legs back this side of the fence. Not climb down, you have every right to do whatever you want. Stay up there by all means, but I was curious about what I should do with your belongings. Could you spare me one more minute?’
Stephen rubbed his eyes. One more minute? He’d come to the bridge to stop the pain, not prolong it.
‘There must be someone who’d want to know what’s happened to you. Did you leave a note so they can understand how you were feeling? If you did, that’s great. You can give me your address and I’ll make sure it gets to them. If not, give me a name and a number. I’ll tell them you were at peace with your decision, rational, not scared. It’ll make it easier for whoever you’re leaving behind.’
‘Why would you think I’m not scared?’ Stephen blurted, the ludicrousness of that suggestion hitting him harder than he liked.
Suicide wasn’t easy. It wasn’t something you just did as a whim. Of course he was scared.
‘I’m sorry, you just seem so … man, I hate to think of you up there feeling that way. Listen, I can’t stop the police for more than another minute and I really want to know what’s going on with you. Just take one step back over until we’ve finished talking. For me, if not for you? You seem like a great guy. Who else would have left a donor card when they’re planning on killing themselves?’
Stephen considered the options. It was really just jump or take a step back to talk. And perhaps Rosa would want to hear some last words. Their break-up was so recent and raw that she was sure to blame herself. If he did nothing else, he could leave some reassurance that he’d have come to this whether or not the relationship had broken down. The thought of her spending a lifetime blaming herself was intolerable. He might be severely messed up in the head department, but he wasn’t cruel.
Maclure was standing looking nonchalant, hands in his pockets once more, looking no more excited about life than if he were stood at a bus stop.
Stephen shifted one leg backwards over the upper railing, to the delight of the crowd, who gave a stadium-style whoop. Turned out that suicide was a spectator sport. Who knew?
‘Good for you,’ Maclure said, waving a hand vaguely at the police. ‘Do you smoke?’
‘No,’ Stephen said.
‘Me neither. I guess it’s a standard play to offer someone in your situation, a cigarette, right?’
‘I
