let it out of her mouth. Like a smoker trying to quit who finds their fingers reaching for a cigarette, she found a weary smile. ‘Of course,’ she said.
‘Cheers, my dear.’
Horatio was next to arrive. He wore his captain’s hat and a navy suit with gold buttons. He ran a small aquarium from his garage, charging £2 for adults and £1 for children to enter the gloomy space during the summer season. His wife often accused him of loving his fish more than her, and he was slow to deny it. Setting his hat down on the table, he ran a finger over his white brush of a moustache. ‘Did you bring my fish food back for me?’
Martha nodded and handed over two shopping bags. ‘And some of your potted plants, too. Don’t forget that you still need to collect your fish.’
‘That’s grand.’ Horatio reached into his pocket, took out a two-pound coin and pressed it into her palm. He curled her hand around it and patted. ‘Treat yourself to something nice.’
Martha unfurled her fingers. It had cost her several times that amount for the extra fish food she’d bought, but it seemed churlish to mention it. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘That’s very kind of you.’
Siegfried entered the room and sat down. He took off his grey hat and held it on his lap with both hands. He didn’t say hello to anyone, but muttered something about Clive being late and to start without him.
Martha waited for the group to settle down, take off their coats, shuffle in their chairs and take things from their pockets and bags. Clearing her throat, she picked up Lucinda’s book. ‘Let’s make a start,’ she said, trying to inject brightness into her voice to mask her exhaustion. The quicker she could get the session going, the sooner she could get home to check for messages on her answer machine. ‘We’ve all been reading Distant Desire, so who wants to kick-start our conversation? You’ll find new sheets in front of you, to help organize your thoughts.’
Branda unzipped her handbag and took out a pair of oversized round sunglasses. She set them on top of her bluey-black hair. ‘I hoped to see Lucinda at the event. She’s awfully filtered in her photo and I wanted a closer look, you know… to see if she’s had anything done to her face.’
‘Oh yes.’ Nora circled a finger around her own forehead and mimed an injection. ‘It was a shame she had to cancel.’
‘I’ve been reading a book about a prison officer,’ Horatio said. ‘Very insightful. One of the inmates was a murderer but cared for a goldfish in the prison.’
Martha was surprised to find that her usual patience was evading her. The group members often got sidetracked with their conversations and she could handle it, but today it needled her. ‘That’s lovely about the fish,’ she said, shortly. ‘Now, let’s get back to Distant Desire. I have some discussion questions.’
Horatio, Branda and Nora didn’t look remotely interested. Siegfried played with a piece of loose wool on his hat and Martha felt her neck flushing from frustration. ‘Or, perhaps you’d like to read a passage from the book, Branda?’
Branda used her hand as a shield and whispered into Nora’s ear. Nora gasped in reply.
Martha stared at the two women and wondered if she had actually turned invisible. If she pulled a silly face, or did a waltz, would anyone even notice?
She stood for a few moments and looked down at Distant Desire, but instead she pictured Zelda’s book and the blackbird illustration. She shook her head and the image vanished. The sound of Branda and Nora talking persisted as a loud buzz. ‘Siegfried,’ she tried. ‘Perhaps you’d like to read for us?’
Siegfried’s eyes shifted to the right, as if checking that the front doors were still open.
Horatio held up his palms. ‘I didn’t read the book,’ he said. ‘Too busy cleaning out the aquarium.’
Martha felt her temples begin to throb. She wrapped her fingers tightly around Lucinda’s book. When anyone in the group wanted her to do things, she did them. It would be nice if they returned her favours, occasionally.
She didn’t want to read aloud, not having done it since Will and Rose were small. Being a focus of any attention made her cheeks go blotchy. ‘Anyone?’ she asked again, to blank faces.
Trying to fight off feelings of resentment, she opened the book. She ran her finger down the page but her eyes were sore and wouldn’t focus properly. She hastily selected a paragraph, any passage, to win back their attention, and began to read. ‘She reared up in front of him,’ she started.
Nora and Branda stopped talking.
Martha took a breath. At last, this seemed to be working. Everyone was looking at her. ‘She reared up in front of him. Her breath was heavy, like a cheetah who’d run across a semi-arid desert. She was tall, and her red silk dress clung to her body emphasizing the swell of her… um…’
Her eyes widened as she read the next words to herself, and then out loud. She didn’t recall them being this passionate. ‘Of her, um, large, heaving… Apologies, that part doesn’t seem very, um, suitable. ’ She coughed and tried to find another section to read instead.
Branda tittered. Nora followed suit with hiccuping giggles. Siegfried flicked his eyes towards the sci-fi shelves and Horatio grinned. ‘Carry on,’ he said.
Martha’s cheeks began to burn. If she touched them with a wet finger they might hiss. A pain travelled up her windpipe and stuck in her throat like a swallowed sweet. Stop it, she wanted to say. Stop laughing at me.
The library doors opened and she was glad of the interruption, until she saw Clive strolling inside. He folded his arms and leaned casually with one shoulder against a wall. He wore a brown baggy suit that was too big for him, and his lemonyellow shirt puckered across his chest. He had a surprisingly small head for his body, and orange freckles pocked his bald head so it resembled a quail’s egg. Watching intently, he smiled at the group. ‘It looks like we’re all having fun.’ He smirked. ‘Are you okay, Martha? Your face is rather colourful.’
She looked away from him. ‘Yes, of course.’
The laughter in the room bounced around in her head. She quickly reached out for a biscuit and took a bite. She munched and the crumbs swelled in her mouth. The more she tried to swallow, the more she struggled. She glanced around for a glass of water but she’d forgotten to set them out.
The other group members looked at her as she gasped for air. ‘You should have a drink,’ Branda said, without moving.
Siegfried stood up.
Martha raised her hand, telling him she was okay. She speed-walked into the small, dark kitchen. Spinning on the tap, she filled a glass with water and gulped it down. With her head hanging over the sink, she pinched the top of her nose and took deep breaths. The chattering and laughter in the library carried on as she stood alone.
After a few moments, she sensed that someone else had joined her and she turned to see Clive. He loomed in the doorway, standing there like her father used to do, making his presence felt. ‘Do you need anything?’ he asked silkily.
‘No, thank you. I’m fine now.’ Martha cleared her throat.
‘Good. I wanted to speak to you alone, anyway,’ he said.
‘Is
