the time I’d decided I was going to go for it, it was too late to ask any questions. ‘It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Chels. Someone else was bidding as well, and I was going to lose it if I didn’t go for it then and there. How often do you see a Christmas tree farm up for sale and at a price you can afford? I made a split-second decision. It doesn’t matter what state the farmhouse is in. My flat’s not exactly posh, is it?’ I think of the dark stairwells that always smell of pee, and you count yourself lucky if pee is the only stench. It’s got to be better than that. ‘All right, so maybe it needs a bit of cleaning and decorating, but I can do that. There’s no point worrying about it now, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
‘It’s a bit odd that they haven’t even included a picture of it …’ She looks up at my face and trails off.
All right, it is an odd way to describe the cute country farmhouse nestled among a garden of Christmas trees that I’m imagining, and it is unusual that there isn’t a picture of it. ‘Maybe they thought the fact it needs renovation might put buyers off? Maybe it’s got, like, boarded-up windows and stuff and they didn’t think it added to the appeal so they left it out of the auction listing?’
‘Yeah, maybe.’ She sips her coffee in an attempt to hide the look of apprehension on her face. ‘I’m sure it’s not important. At least you know there’s a dwelling of some sort there. It probably just needs a coat of paint. I’ve got some spare Dulux in the shed if you want to take it with you?’
I love her for being supportive even though she thinks I’m a maniac. Even I think I’m a maniac. But it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I’m not sorry I went for it. I just hope I feel the same once I actually get there.
‘You might find your very own David Tennant!’ She squeals out loud at the thought and then ducks her head when several other customers turn to look at us.
Chelsea’s current sexuality could best be described as ‘David Tennant in Broadchurch.’ She and Lewis missed it on TV and have recently binge-watched the boxset. Their surname is actually Miller, and Chels has never found anything sexier than the way David Tennant says ‘Miller’ in the show, apart from the way he says ‘murder’. Even poor Lewis has been forced into doing impressions. I imagine that all their neighbours hear most days is them shouting ‘Miller’ and ‘murder’ at each other in bad Scottish accents. It’s a shame David Tennant isn’t actually a policeman because I’m sure someone would’ve called him by now.
‘Ooh, Richard Madden from Bodyguard. Now there’s a hot Scot if ever there was one!’
‘I’m not looking for a man, no matter how sexy or Scottish they may be. Steve was enough of a mistake for one year. I’m going to concentrate on Christmas trees for a while.’ I give her a false grin that she knows is false. ‘Seriously, Chels. Steve was the last straw for me when it comes to men. I need to learn the trade of Christmas tree farming, not lust after Scottish men. That’s my mantra from now on: no men, just trees.’ She goes to protest but I interrupt her. ‘Not even if Richard Madden himself turns up.’
She sighs like I’m a lost cause. ‘Just find me a sexy Scottish bloke who rolls his Rs and doesn’t mind saying “murder” a lot.’ She drags the R out like a cat’s purr.
‘If I find anyone who actually speaks like that, I’m going to call the local zoo to check for missing animals in heat. And you seem to have forgotten that you’re married.’
‘I only want him to speak! I don’t want to sleep with the man or anything. Although I wouldn’t mind if you found one with good thighs and a penchant for wearing kilts in the traditional way … you know, sans underwear. Purely for educational purposes, obviously. To learn about Scottish culture.’
‘You can find him yourself when you come up to stay with me.’
‘Hah!’ She bursts into laughter, causing the customers who looked at us earlier to turn around and peer at us again. ‘It’s October. It’s freezing and we’re in London which has already got a good ten degrees on the rest of the UK. If you think I’m going to the back end of beyond in the middle of winter, you can guess again. Invite me next summer if the stars align and there’s a heatwave, the rain stops, and all the Scottish midges go away. Does Scotland even get a summer? And you’d better check out this “dwelling” before you start inviting visitors, you might only have room for guests of the equine variety.’
‘You’re my best friend. You’re meant to be supportive.’
‘I am supportive. I’d just be a lot more supportive if you’d bought a vineyard on the French Riviera. Then I’d help you move and probably stay on as your employee to help you out. You could pay me in wine and French pastries. Do you think it’s too late to exchange it for a French vineyard?’
‘You should’ve bought a vineyard and I should’ve bought a chocolate factory and then we’d have been set for life. Wine and chocolate, who needs anything else?’ I grin. ‘Don’t you think a Christmas tree farm sounds magical though? Even the name gives me little tingles of joy. It sounds so delightfully festive, and those photos make it look so pretty. All those trees blowing in the breeze … You can imagine it in the snow, reindeer grazing all around, Santa’s elves dancing around the tree trunks while jingle bells ring in the distance …’
I can tell she’s questioning my sanity. Maybe elves aren’t quite the best thing to base your property-buying decisions on.
‘Your mum and dad would be so proud,’ she says eventually. ‘Your dad used to love getting his Christmas tree every year, didn’t he?’
‘Yeah, and Mum always used to spend the whole of Christmas moaning about pine needles on the carpet, even though she loved Christmas more than any other time of year and always said it wouldn’t be the same without Dad’s tree making a mess in the middle of the room.’ I tear up at the memory and Chelsea reaches over and squeezes my hand.
‘They’d love this.’
I nod and try to will the tears away. They really, really would. Is that subconsciously what drew me to the listing? After they died, I was left their house, but apart from my job and flat being in London, I could never face moving back there with them gone. The best thing to do was to let it be a happy family home for another family, like it was for us when I was growing up. I wasn’t sure what to do when the money from the sale came through. Chelsea’s advice was to get on the property ladder because I’ve moved from rented flat with crappy landlord to rented flat with even crappier landlord for the past few years, but I’ve never found anywhere that felt like home.
‘I can’t believe you’re leaving to become a Christmas tree farmer. Talk about random.’ Chelsea sips her latte again. ‘You hadn’t even considered it twenty-four hours ago.’
I had. I just didn’t realise that my hours of daydreaming about Peppermint Branches were considering it. ‘That’s the thing about fate. Sometimes things happen that you’re not really in control of.’
‘Also known as Prosecco? And the things that usually happen are drunken texts to exes and shoes you can’t walk in, not Christmas tree farms.’
‘You know what I mean,’ I say, even though there are hazy memories of us having girls’ nights out which ended in both messy texts and inadvisable shoes. ‘I don’t have any doubt about this. For the first time in years, I feel like I’m doing the right thing.’
‘Do you have any idea how much I’m
