a four-poster bed. He lets go of me, and I sit on the bed, rubbing my wrist. At first, I think he doesn’t know his own strength. But then I see the rage in his eyes again. This time it’s etched all over his face, and he makes no effort to hide it. I remember Jet licking his hand a few minutes ago. He was trying to calm him down.
I feel the baby kick hard from inside my tummy, just once. I’m usually overjoyed when I feel our baby move, but this time it’s almost as if it’s in warning.
‘The baby has just kicked,’ I tell Alex. ‘Come over here and put your hand on my tummy.’ I hear my voice quiver, and Alex doesn’t move. His eyes are burning into me.
‘Where – is – it?’ he shouts.
‘Wh … where’s wh … what?’
‘The necklace?’
‘Is that what’s upset you? I’m so sorry, Alex. We couldn’t find it anywhere.’
‘We?’
‘Hannah and Julie helped me look for it.’ He raises his eyebrows. ‘And Daniel and the boys,’ I add, more quietly.
‘So everyone knows you’ve lost my necklace. You’ve made me into a laughing stock for your entire family.’
‘I don’t see how, Alex,’ I say. I can barely hear my own voice now. ‘If anyone looks ridiculous, it’s me.’
For a moment, he’s silent, and I think it’s over. I reach out my arms and he starts to walk towards me.
But instead of allowing me to hold him, he pushes my arms down, leans down towards me and takes hold of the pendant of my mother’s necklace.
‘So where did you get this? Did some ex-boyfriend give you this?’
‘No! Julie lent it to me.’
Alex straightens up, and as he does so, he pulls on the pendant. At the back of my neck, I feel the gold chain break, leaving the necklace in his hand.
Tears prick my eyes. Alex stares at the necklace and then at me. He looks as shocked as I am. Was that an accident? Surely, he didn’t mean to break it?
Then he about-turns purposefully, and marches towards the bathroom. I leap up and race after him. The bathroom door slams in my face as I get there.
‘Alex, that belonged to my mum,’ I shout at the closed door. ‘Alex—’ I am aware that I’m wailing now ‘—that was my mother’s necklace.’
I fall to the floor, sobbing.
I’m not sure how long I lie there, but when Alex emerges, he’s wearing only his boxer shorts. He helps me to my feet. He’s gentle now, and the expression on his face is dispassionate.
‘I’ll get it fixed,’ he says, guiding me into the bathroom.
I watch, incredulous, as he opens my washbag, squeezes toothpaste onto my toothbrush and closes my hand around the handle. I see his reflection in the mirror and, catching my eye, he gives me the ghost of a rueful smile. Then he turns and goes back into the bedroom, closing the bathroom door softly and leaving me inside.
I clean my teeth and pee. It can’t have taken me long, but when I get back into the bedroom, I can hear Alex’s light snoring. He’s curled up in bed.
I struggle out of my wedding dress, only just able to reach the zip at the back. I didn’t bring any nightclothes – this was to be our wedding night, after all. So I climb into bed in my underwear.
Alex has his back towards me. I lie on my back with my hands on my tummy feeling our baby kick, more softly this time. Tears roll down my cheeks. We’ve never gone to sleep side by side like this before. We’ve always kissed and said goodnight, even on the evenings we haven’t made love, and then we’ve fallen asleep either holding hands or with me in Alex’s arms.
I don’t dream about Louisa that night. Or about Kevin. Or anyone or anything else. I don’t sleep at all. All I can think as the tears flow out from behind my closed eyelids is that our marriage hasn’t been consummated.
In the middle of the night, I suddenly become aware of heavy breathing. I turn towards the stranger lying next to me, thinking I may have woken him up with my sobbing, but then I realise with shock that I am the one who is panting. I force myself to take deep breaths as my heartbeat races.
Although we went to bed late, the night seems long. And yet I don’t want it to end.
From: [email protected]
Sent: Fri, 11 Nov 2016 at 07:55
Subject: COMMUNI-KATE WITH ME?
Dear Katie,
Clearly, you have taken my last email very badly. I’m sorry if you took offence at what I said. I don’t think you interpreted what I wrote in the way I meant it. I didn’t bring up my exes in order to make you jealous or to make you feel you have to compete with other women in my life. Firstly, they’re not in my life anymore, and secondly, you would win anyway! Hands down! No contest!
I’m happy to discuss this further if you want to, but I think it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe our emotions are spiralling a little out of control after the wonderful night we spent together. We’re overreacting and seeing things that simply aren’t there.
Shall we ring or FaceTime soon? Far better to communicate that way. That’s if you still want to talk to me. Emails are completely devoid of tone, so it’s easy to read too much into casual remarks that are really intended only as jokes.
I love you, and I hope to hear from you soon,
Alexxx
~
Alex sleeps soundly until about half past nine the following morning, and when he wakes up, he reaches out for me and puts his arms around me. I feel wooden and cold in his embrace. He kisses the top of my head.
‘I’m sorry if I upset you,’ he says.
I open my mouth to object to the ‘if’, but I stop myself in time.
Instead I say, ‘I’m sorry, too.’
‘I think I had one too many,’ he offers by way of an explanation. ‘It was an emotional day.’
Hannah’s words as I was applying the mascara yesterday echo in my head. She’d predicted – correctly – that I’d cry yesterday. I should have realised then that it would all affect Alex, too.
He
