Meg – but something to show him I’m a woman not a girl. But I hate my body and I can’t imagine it looking good at any selfie angle, like all those girls on Instagram do in their bikinis. My thighs would look awful. Maybe that’s what stopping me. My own embarrassment.
Can’t chat long. Just wanted to say goodnight.
My disappointment burns through me, a flame consuming curling paper.
I’ve only got a few minutes. I’m sorry I’m so shit at this. I will make more time, I promise. One day we’ll have all the time in the world.
I don’t say anything. I don’t want to sound moody and I need a moment to get myself together. He’s always saying he’ll make more time and in the future it will be different, but what about now?
I thought you might have been with Courtney tonight. I’m glad you weren’t.
My skin tingles and I feel the power shift. I told him Courtney was there for my birthday. He knows we’re sort of going out, even though I’ve said I’m probably going to end it.
I thought about it, I type. He keeps texting me. He really wants to see me. I don’t know what to do.
I hadn’t thought about it. I haven’t answered Courtney’s messages but there’s no need for him to know that. Not while he’s clearly worrying about it. This isn’t how I expected love to be when I was little. I thought people fell in love and everything was perfect. I should have realised that wasn’t the case from my own family, but no one ever told me how selfish love is. How it eats you up. How many games you have to play to get what you want.
I don’t want you to see him, but that’s not fair on you.
My heart leaps.
Why? Are you jealous?
It’s too direct.
I’m annoyed at myself but I have to know. I don’t want him thinking I’ve been trying to make him jealous, which obviously I have.
A bit. He seems too young for you. You’re too mature for a boy like him. He’s not going to make you happy.
No, I answer. You make me happy. But you’re not here. We’ve never met. Courtney’s here.
I’m proud of myself. I’m making this his fault.
We should meet.
The words shock me so much that for a minute the screen blurs slightly. My palms sweat with a surge of adrenaline.
When?
Does that sound too demanding? But I want to know. I want to meet him now. I’d get out of bed and go anywhere he asked to see him in the flesh and talk to him and all the other stuff.
After your exams are over. About ten days? I’ll sort out a time and place and let you know. Will have to be at night, though. Is that okay?
Is that okay? I’m grinning so hard I think my face will split.
Yes, yes yes! xxxxxxxxx
I’m too excited for any more games. And it’s good for him to know how happy this makes me.
But keep it secret okay? Just us. It’ll be fun. No pressure.
My heart is exploding.
I promise I won’t tell a soul.
And I mean it. I won’t. Maybe afterwards I’ll tell the girls – if there’s something to tell – but not before. They’d probably want to come with me, and no way is that happening.
For a few moments he says nothing and then:
Sorry, gotta go. Miss you, Beautiful. See you soon. Xx
I sign off with about a hundred kisses and flop back on my pillows. We’re going to meet. We’re actually going to meet.
This is the best thing ever.
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