the only issue that matters.’
‘You mean, like you have? Look at you, living here in the middle of nowhere, trying to forget that Rachel’s no longer alive.’
He contained himself but only just. After the silence, he said, ‘I think we’d better call it a night.’ He turned his back to her. ‘Before one of us says something we’ll regret.’
She lay on her side, curled into a ball, wide awake despite her exhaustion. Rain rattled the window. In the darkness, she could hear the curtains creeping on the draught. She felt the chill of loneliness. There was confusion in her mind, anger in her heart.
She rose from her bed, pulled on a large black sweatshirt, and tiptoed slowly down the passage. The floorboards were cold against the soles of her feet. Boyd’s bedroom was over the kitchen. She opened the door. It creaked and she paused for a response. Nothing. Boyd was a man who heard whispers in his sleep; sure enough, when she put her head round the door, his bed was empty. She went downstairs and heard him in the kitchen. He was heaping coke into the Rayburn. She waited silently in the doorway. He sensed her before he saw her. He put the bucket down, stood up straight and turned around.
She said, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Forget it.’
‘The way I’ve behaved isn’t the way I feel.’
‘You’re trained not to behave the way you feel.’
‘I know. But I don’t need to make any more enemies.’
She stepped forward and kissed him on the mouth. He neither embraced her, nor pulled away. When she broke the kiss and retreated, he said nothing.
‘I’ve spent all my adult life not talking about the things I feel.’
‘Stephanie …’
‘Are you going to tell me this is a bad idea? Because if you are, don’t bother. This isn’t some reckless impulse. It’s been in the back of my mind for the last four years. When we’re running through the middle of nowhere, you shout at me but I can hear that your heart isn’t in your voice. When you glare at me, your eyes give you away. Tell me it hasn’t been on your mind, too.’
When he spoke, she knew his throat was dry. ‘This is a bad idea.’
She pulled the black sweatshirt over her head and let it drop to the floor. It was warm in the kitchen, the heat welcome on her naked skin.
‘Is this some kind of game, Stephanie?’
‘It’s no game.’
‘What, then?’
‘We’re just two similar people in a situation. With nothing to lose.’
‘Nothing to lose?’
‘Do you know what I want more than anything?’
‘What?’
‘I want someone to see me as a woman. I want you to see me as a woman. I’m not a man masquerading as a woman. I’m not a robot, I’m not a killing machine. When Alexander looks at me, he sees a device. When I was Petra, the people I met looked at me and saw a threat. When I looked at them, all I ever saw was fear. That’s not what I want.’
‘Are you sure this is what you want?’
‘I want someone to know me.’
‘What about your friend in France?’
For a second, there was guilt. Then there was perspective. ‘Laurent was lovely. We had a good time but it was a casual arrangement. It could never be anything more than that because I could never show him who I really am. He didn’t know me at all. But you could.’
A silence grew between them.
Boyd hadn’t allowed his eyes to leave hers.
She said, ‘For Christ’s sake, look at me.’
He couldn’t.
‘I’m a twenty-seven-year-old woman. I’m standing naked in front of you. Do something.’ She was amazed at how small her voice sounded. ‘Please.’
‘It’s not that simple. I … I … don’t know what to think.’
It seemed a strange thing to say. It made him sound helpless.
‘You’re not supposed to think.’
‘I’m not like you.’
‘Which is one of the things that makes it easier for me to like you.’
‘You don’t like me.’
‘You’re wrong,’ Stephanie insisted. ‘I do.’
‘If you saw me on a crowded street in a city, you wouldn’t see me at all.’
‘We’re not in a city.’
‘Put the sweatshirt back on, Stephanie.’
‘Make love with me.’
‘No.’
She felt the onset of panic. ‘Then fuck me.’
He winced. ‘No.’
‘Then let me fuck you.’
‘No.’
‘You won’t have to do anything.’
‘Go to bed.’
‘You’re humiliating me.’
‘You’re humiliating yourself.’
Stephanie took a step forward. Boyd stood his ground by the Rayburn.
‘I know you want me.’
‘I don’t want you.’
‘Liar. I’ve seen the way you look at me. When we’re running, when I’m stretching, when we’re both drenched to the skin. I know what you’re thinking. The same thing I’m thinking.’
‘Stop it.’
She moved closer. ‘Has there been anyone since Rachel?’
‘That’s enough.’
She was within touching distance. ‘Has there?’
‘I mean it.’
The Rayburn door was still open. She saw dark orange flicker across her stomach.
‘You don’t want me to go away. I know you don’t.’
‘Stephanie …’
She
