paint, the same sewing machine in a corner. She glanced toward the front door. The same wooden clock that didn’t work. With a start she realized that under the piles of dishes and scattered clothing the kitchen was identical to when Matilda had been alive. It was as if time had stopped in this house with Matilda’s last breath.
Opening a door on the other side of the stairs, Joshua lit a lamp. The double bed was topped by a wild-goose-chase-patterned quilt done in cheerful shades of red and yellow and blue. He walked past it to a small bed his kinder must have used when they were Sammy’s age. Another pretty quilt, this one in the sunshine-and-shadow pattern done in blacks and grays and white, was spread across it. Drawing it back along with the sheet beneath it, he stepped aside so she could slip the little boy in without waking him.
She straightened and looked around. The bedroom was large. A tall bureau was set against the wall opposite the room’s two windows, and the bare floors shone with years of care. A quartet of pegs held a kapp, a dusty black bonnet and a straw hat. She wasn’t surprised when Joshua placed his gut hat on the empty peg.
This must have been Joshua and Matilda’s room. Suddenly the room seemed way too small. Aware of Joshua going to the bureau and opening the drawers, she lowered the dark green shades on the windows. She doubted Sammy would sleep late in the morning. Usually he was up with the sun.
She faced Joshua and saw he had gathered his work clothes. He picked them up from the blanket chest at the foot of the bed. His gaze slowly moved along her, and so many emotions flooded his eyes she wasn’t sure if he felt one or all at the same time. Realizing she was wringing her hands, she forced her arms to her sides.
It was the first time they’d been alone as man and wife. They stood in the room he’d shared with his first wife. She didn’t trust her voice to speak, even if she had the slightest idea what to say as she looked at the man who was now her husband. The weight on the first word she spoke was enormous. There were a lot of things she wanted to ask about the life they’d be sharing. She didn’t know how.
“Gut nacht,” he said into the strained silence. “I’ll be upstairs. Second door to the left. Don’t hesitate to knock if you or Samuel need anything. I know it’ll take you a while to get used to living in a new place.”
“Danki.”
He waited, but she couldn’t force her lips to form another word. Finally, with a nod, he began to edge past her. When she jumped back, fearful he was angry with her, he stared at her in astonishment.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She nodded, though she was as far from okay as she could be. It was beginning again. The ever-present anxiety of saying or doing the wrong thing and being punished by her husband’s heavy hand.
“Are you sure?” His eyes searched her face, so she struggled to keep her expression calm as she nodded again.
He started to say something else, then seemed to think better of it. He bid her gut nacht again before he went out of the room.
She pressed her hands to her mouth to silence her soft sob as the tears she’d kept dammed for the whole day cascaded down her cheeks. She should be grateful Joshua had given her and Sammy this lovely room. And she was. But she also felt utterly alone and scared.
“What have I done?” she whispered to the silence.
She’d made, she feared, another huge mistake by doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.
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