straightened up, trying to change the subject. “So what are you taking to the palace?”
“A change of clothes to wear whenever they finally kick me out. Some pictures and books. I’ve been told I won’t need my instruments. Anything I want will be there already. So that little bag there, that’s it.”
The room was tidy now, and that backpack seemed huge for some reason. The flowers he’d brought looked so bright on my desk compared to the drab things I owned. Or maybe it was just that everything seemed paler now … now that it was over.
“That’s not much,” he noted.
“I’ve never needed very much to be happy. I thought you knew that.”
He closed his eyes. “Stop it, America. I did the right thing.”
“The right thing? Aspen, you made me believe we could do it. You made me love you. And then you talked me into this damn contest. Do you know they’re practically shipping me off to be one of Maxon’s playthings?”
He whipped his head around to face me. “What?”
“I’m not allowed to turn him down. Not for anything.”
Aspen looked sick, angry. His hands clenched up into fists. “Even … even if he doesn’t want to marry you … he could …?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” He took a few deep breaths. “But if he does pick you … that’ll be good. You deserve to be happy.”
That was it. I slapped him. “You idiot!” I whisper-yelled at him. “I hate him! I loved you! I wanted you; all I ever wanted was you!”
His eyes welled up, but I couldn’t care. He’d hurt me enough, and now it was his turn.
“I should go,” he said, and started heading to the door.
“Wait. I didn’t pay you.”
“America, you don’t have to pay me.” He went to leave again.
“Aspen Leger, don’t you dare move!” My voice was fierce. And he stopped, finally paying attention to me.
“That’ll be good practice for when you’re a One.” If it hadn’t been for his eyes, I would have thought it was a joke, not an insult.
I just shook my head and went to my desk, pulling out all the money I’d earned by myself. I put every last bit of it in his hands.
“America, I’m not taking this.”
“The hell you aren’t. I don’t need it and you do. If you ever loved me at all, you’ll take it. Hasn’t your pride done enough for us?” I could feel a part of him shut down. He stopped fighting.
“Fine.”
“And here.” I dug behind my bed, pulled out my tiny jar of pennies, and poured them into his hand. One rebellious penny that must have been sticky stayed glued to the bottom. “Those were always yours. You should use them.”
Now I didn’t have anything of his. And once he spent those pennies out of desperation, he wouldn’t have anything of mine. I felt the hurt coming up. My eyes got wet, and I breathed hard to keep the sobs back.
“I’m sorry, Mer. Good luck.” He shoved the money and the pennies into his pockets and ran out.
This wasn’t how I thought I’d cry. I was expecting huge, jarring sobs, not slow, tiny tears.
I started to put the jar on a shelf, but I noticed that little penny again. I put my finger in the jar and got it unstuck. It rattled around in the glass all by itself. It was a hollow sound, and I could feel it echo in my chest. I knew, for better or for worse, I wasn’t really free of Aspen, not yet. Maybe not ever. I opened the backpack, put in my jar, and sealed it all away.
May snuck into my room, and I took one of those stupid pills. I fell asleep holding her, finally feeling numb.
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