nothing either, and I’d decided not to press. Instead, after another day spent mostly fire-fighting his tantrums, I had made copious notes, both in my head and in my journal. And having assembled all my equipment, I now sat and read through the latter, marking the ones which I felt we should prioritise; not just the obvious issue of him lashing out in anger (obviously the main one) but also personal care, household chores and an array of social niceties that, when implemented, would add that positive bit of structure to his days.
It wasn’t as simple a business as might be expected, however. With children like Sam, a list of ‘don’t dos’ and ‘you must dos’ would be useless. The most effective way to deal with undesirable behaviours (such as anger, quick temper or being fast-reactive) was to put tasks into place that he could readily do but required patience, thought and determination. It would be a slow process – as with Rome, desired behaviours really weren’t built in a day – but the ongoing sense of achievement, built in lots of small ways, would hopefully see those negative behaviours begin subsiding.
But first Sam needed concrete incentives. If he didn’t understand that he was doing anything wrong, then, without being offered something in return, why would he change? Again, this wouldn’t necessarily be a simple thing to achieve, because the usual trade of ‘do this and you’ll get that’ generally didn’t work well with children at Sam’s intellectual/emotional level. So it was more about giving him control. If we established the things he wanted, and gave him options for ways to get them, then he could choose to work towards them. If he wanted a takeaway pizza at the weekend, he could be proactive in trying to earn one – choosing to do the tasks necessary for him to be rewarded.
Or not. Though the ‘not’ bit wasn’t part of the plan. Not initially. Nor were his undesirable behaviours. Where more emotionally robust children could cope with losing points as well as earning them, and, as a consequence, try harder after precious ‘ticks’ had been lost, other children – the most vulnerable – would react very differently; one ‘failure’ would immediately send them into a spin, thinking (because negative thinking can be such an ingrained behaviour) that they had failed, period, and that all was now lost. And this in itself would lead to more ‘bad’ behaviour.
So it was all about keeping things positive – if Sam didn’t feel like doing a chore, or was too busy acting up to finish one, he could simply regroup and try again for it the next day.
And, having had the green light from Christine, even before I’d met him, I’d prepared for Sam’s arrival with this kind of behaviour modification already in mind. Which was why, before he got to us, I had already done some of the work necessary to put my plans into action; the bedroom he’d been given was already free of the two things that (sad to say, some would say, but this was the real world, in this world) I knew could be used as inducements, namely the small television that habitually resided there and, usually attached to it, Kieron’s old Xbox. Given what I’d observed in the days Sam had been with us, these two items would, I knew, provide incentives.
But now the real work began. After a third morning in which Sam had howled in bed for half an hour, I’d brought him down for breakfast (Mike and Tyler having gone to work and college) and, once we’d eaten, had allowed him to watch TV in the living room while I gathered my equipment on the dining table.
Now I drained my coffee and suggested he might like to come and join me, to play a game I thought he might enjoy.
‘It’s a special game,’ I told him, as I pulled a dining chair out for him to sit on. ‘One where the idea is to make life a bit easier for you.’
He sat as instructed and eyed all the paper and pens. ‘Are we doing colouring in?’ he asked. ‘Shall I draw you a fire engine?’
‘Not yet,’ I said, ‘but we can after this, if you like. No, what I thought we could do first of all is find out what things you would really like.’ I picked up my pen. ‘And when you tell me, I can make a list of them.’
Sam’s hand shot up immediately, just as it might in a classroom. ‘A dog,’ he enthused. ‘I really, really want a dog.’
My heart sank just a little. Not the best of starts, obviously. Since having our first foster child, Justin – when Bob, our dog, had been at risk of serious harm – having a pet in the house had become a no-no. So Bob (now in doggy heaven) had gone to live his life out with Kieron. But Kieron now had another dog, a little Westie called Luna. ‘Not a dog, sweetie. We can’t have a dog here, I’m afraid. But shall I tell you something? My son Kieron has a dog. If you’d like to we could certainly go and visit him.’
‘A big dog or a little dog?’ he asked. I filed the question away.
‘A little dog.’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘I like little dogs the best.’
I filed that one away too. But chanced a supplementary question.
‘Did you used to have a dog?’ I asked.
‘No,’ he said immediately. A little too immediately. ‘I never.’
‘You’d just like one.’
‘Really, really,’ he said.
‘Well, as I say, we can’t have one here, but if you like little dogs, you’ll definitely like Luna. And hopefully you’ll get to meet her soon. So, think again. What else?’
‘Um …’ he said, ‘um …’, his brow furrowed in concentration.
‘How about I suggest something?’ I offered, pretending to think hard, as he had. ‘How about a TV in your bedroom?’
His eyes became like saucers. ‘Oh my God, yes!’ he said. ‘Could I really? That would be way cool.’
I wrote ‘television’ down on one of my pieces of paper. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Then how about, say, an hour to play on my laptop?’
‘Your laptop? Your actual laptop?’
‘My actual laptop. And, let me see now, maybe something like an Xbox in your room?’
Sam jumped from his chair at this, and punched the air, twice. ‘It’s like Christmas for good kids!’ he shouted. ‘Yes, yes!’
‘Hang on,’ I said, laughing. ‘We’re not finished yet. What other things would you most like?’
‘I like everything,’ he said, sitting down again.
‘So, if I add a trip to the cinema, a new toy, a takeaway … and how about a movie night? Curtains shut, so it’s like the cinema, and with popcorn and everything.’ I glanced up from my scribbling. ‘Those things sound alright to you?’
But Sam had stopped laughing suddenly, and was staring at my list now. I didn’t know why, or what I’d said, but something had definitely just happened to create a change.
I touched his arm. ‘What d’you think, love?’
He turned his gaze to me. ‘What do I have to do?’ he asked, his voice now low and quiet. ‘Do I have to count to lots of one hundreds?’
Again, I filed his words away to ponder over later. But in the meantime I was at least pleased to notice that he was beginning to understand there had to be a trade-off. ‘No, silly,’ I said, smiling. ‘No counting needed. But, yes, you are right in that to get things you first have
