freeze. If she cries, I’ll have to give in to temptation and hold her. I won’t be able to stop myself.
‘She doesn’t need me quite so much as she did growing up.’ She collects herself, brightening. ‘So I retrained in a field I love.’ Excitement turns her eyes alive with golden spangles. ‘I’ve always wanted to cook professionally. And I’m not bad. I never once poisoned you, did I?’ Her mouth twists, a flash of sass that evokes a hundred convoluted memories.
I offer her a genuine smile, my first since I turned to find her behind me in the dining room downstairs. ‘That’s fantastic. You always sent the most amazing cookies. Every guy in our unit buzzed around Sam when those parcels arrived like flies around sh...’
I break off.
Kenzie laughs then smiles, a bittersweet offering that tells me she’s thinking about Sam.
I lean away from temptation. ‘Well, it looked delicious. You’re a great cook.’ Is she after my approval, a reference, a recommendation?
‘Thanks.’ Her eyes are full of doubt, of hesitancy. ‘I guess I thought if I just came to you and asked, you might feel obliged...you know...because of Sam. This way, I hoped my food would speak for me. It was a stupid stunt.’ She takes a glug of wine and I want to reach out and touch her, comfort her, certain she’s never done anything stupid in her life, even as I discreetly glance at my watch and wonder how quickly I can see her on her way.
‘Tell me how I can help?’ I’ll give her anything I’m able to give. Make up somehow for the lonely years of hardship I caused her.
She chews her lip, looking momentarily lost.
My thumb moves rhythmically over the stem of my wine glass as I battle the urge to touch her. Would her mouth be as soft as it looks? What would those expressive eyes tell me if I crossed the line? To fuck the hell off? That she’s never ever once thought of me that way...? That I’m betraying Sam’s memory, just by thinking of her with anything beyond cold, consolation-prize friendship?
Nothing I don’t already know.
She collects herself, holding my eye contact with a tilt of her chin. ‘I hoped if you tasted something I’d made, you’d see how serious I am now I’m free to pursue a career, not just...pacify me because of our...past connection.’
Connection... Fuck, that’s a passionless and depressing descriptor. But accurate.
‘And, having already been declined, I knew it was a long shot.’ Her shoulders droop as she watches the flames of the fire.
All my protective instincts flare to life and my fingers make a fist around the stem of my wine glass. ‘Declined?’
She nods. ‘It’s no big deal.’ A gut-twisting, sad little smile. ‘Breaking into the top restaurants is hard, even outside London. Believe me, I’d have stayed in Bath if I had the choice. But Tilly moved here to study at the London School of Economics and, even though she wants her independence, some days...she still struggles. It made sense for me to be close, for...emergencies.’
Then it registers in a single icy deluge. She lives here now. On my doorstep. I tamp down my increased breathing. This is bad news. How will I sleep at night knowing she’s somewhere in my city, but not in my bed? Close, but still out of bounds?
My lust-addled brain finally slots it all together. ‘You applied for our sous-chef position?’
Another nod, the excitement back in her eyes. ‘I know I’m inexperienced in a restaurant of the Faulkner’s calibre.’ She turns her body to face me, perched on the edge of the sofa. I zone back in to what she’s actually saying rather than just the way her luscious mouth forms the words. She’s so animated, her breaths come in soft pants.
‘I told myself to grasp my big chance, now that I’m free to focus all my energy on what I want. I just need a shot. A trial even. A chance to prove I’m up to the job and willing to learn.’
This is her passion. Something she’s put on hold while she raised her sister. Something she might have achieved sooner, if my actions hadn’t made her a widow.
Yes hovers on my lips. I clamp them together. She’s enough of a temptation across the country, but in my space every day... And the glimmer of hope behind her guarded, afraid-to-dream expression may as well be a shower of hurled knives.
Euphoria drains away, slashed to shreds. I stiffen to hold myself in place and clear my throat. ‘Well, I believe we already have a trial set up for someone else—a Dominic Brown.’
She shakes her head, her eyes dulling but her chin lifting with grit. ‘I see. Couldn’t we take it in turns? Work alternate shifts. You’ll get two for the price of one.’
Every beat of my heart hurts. It’s in my power to help her. But it’s too dangerous. She sees the refusal forming on my tongue and jumps in.
‘I’d put in the hours, more than the hours. I have great references, and if I’m not up to it, if it doesn’t work out, no hard feelings.’ Her cheeks flush as she grows increasingly hopeful.
It’s a physical blow under my ribs to see that look on her face. This means more to her than a job. More than taking care of Tilly. It’s personal. She lost her parents, stepped into the role of Tilly’s caretaker, sidelined her own dreams. That she’s come to me, of all people...the last person who deserves her trust...
‘I don’t think it’s a good idea.’ Fuck, that’s lame. I have to do better than that. ‘Our executive chef can be difficult to work for.’
Her lips thin. ‘I’m not asking for a freebie or special treatment.’ She rushes on where I would have interrupted. ‘Just an opportunity to see if I have what it takes. The same as Dominic.’
I stroke my chin, juggling the pros and cons of Hobson’s choice. Unless I find somewhere else to eat, I’ll see her all the time. I could work at the Faulkner Group offices with Reid and Kit. Then I’ll most likely only bump into her on the days I meet with Rod, our temperamental head chef, who has a large say in the hiring and firing of those in his kitchen. But I’m a Faulkner. The bosses’ boss. If Kenzie wants a trial, I could make it happen.
Then I wince as my gut twists. Rod is a notorious ladies’ man. He fucks all the single waitresses and half the married ones. He’s the very reason we have a sous-chef vacancy. The idea of him working day in, day out with Kenzie...
No. I’ll have to send her away. Crush her dream. It won’t be the first time I’ve ruined her life. I put down my wine before I hurl it at the wall.
‘I’ll work hard, I promise. I’m not asking for handouts,’ she adds, her eyes wide as she reaches for her denim jacket and rummages in the pocket. ‘In fact...’ she holds out an envelope ‘...I also came to return these.’
I stare at her offering as if it’s packed with plastic explosives, the hairs prickling on the back of my neck. ‘What is it?’
When I don’t take the envelope from her, she huffs and places it on the sofa between us like a barrier.
‘The cheques you sent.’ Her eyes harden.
My stomach rolls. She may as well have kneed me in the balls. I temper a sigh
