she was?
‘No. I do. I mean, I am sorry for how things ended between us back then. I was cruel to you. I hurt you,’ he said, kissing her forehead gently. ‘I wish I hadn’t. I wish it were possible to go back to a time before everything went wrong. I let you down very badly. Can you...could you ever forgive me, do you think?’
A few days ago she would have said no, she would never forgive him. She’d been so full of rage and bitterness. But she must have started to forgive him without any conscious effort, or she wouldn’t be in bed with him now, would she? And those same few days ago, she would never have imagined running down the stairs, hand in hand with Nathan Harcourt, giggling like a schoolgirl after the mischievous trick she’d played on their hosts, either.
Had letting go of her anger with him been what had made such a difference? Was that why she felt so much lighter of heart now?
‘Forgiveness...is a strange thing to be talking about while we are naked,’ she said, reaching for the sheet. It was funny, but she was more aware of her nudity now they were starting to discuss feelings.
‘For instance, my parents were adamant that there was nothing to forgive.’ And perhaps there hadn’t been, not really. He might have toyed with her affections, but he’d drawn the line at seducing her. Given the reputation he’d since gained, it was amazing he’d behaved with such restraint. She’d been so infatuated with him he could very easily have talked her into bed. Well, it hadn’t exactly taken much to persuade her into it now, had it? A few smouldering looks, a couple of invitations, one hard kiss and she’d climbed five flights of stairs for the privilege.
‘They were quick to point out that you never proposed to me, so I had no right to complain, or even to feel hard done by.’ And for the first time, she could see their point. He’d stolen nothing beyond a few kisses. And he could have taken so much more. He could have ruined her before tossing her aside.
He reared up on his elbow.
‘What rot! I can’t let you shrug off my apology, saying the way we parted didn’t matter because I hadn’t actually made a formal declaration. I know I hurt you. I can still see the look on your face the night I cut you, then danced with every other girl in the place. Admit it. You were in love with me.’
He’d known how badly he’d hurt her that night? She’d shown it on her face? Well, she wasn’t an infatuated girl any longer, to wear her heart on her sleeve.
‘Why should I admit,’ she said haughtily, ‘anything of the kind?’
‘Because I was in love with you, too, that’s why. I did want to marry you.’ He rolled on to his back and stared hard-jawed at the ceiling. ‘We would have been perfect together,’ he said, in a voice that quivered with suppressed emotion. ‘My deepest wish, back then, was to live the life of a country gentleman, dabbling with my painting, raising a pack of happy children...’
Her stomach swooped. No matter how many people had told her she’d been mistaken, no matter how often she had told herself that she didn’t care, either, to hear him actually admit she’d been right all along gave her a tremendous surge of something that see-sawed between triumph and anguish.
‘So,’ she said coldly, ‘why didn’t you?’ What possible excuse could he give for ending it the way he had, if he’d really been dreaming the same dreams she had?
A muscle bunched in his jaw.
‘Because I was an idiot. A young idiot. I had no confidence in my own judgement. I believed...I was persuaded...that it was better to pursue a career, than to live my life in obscurity.’
Persuaded...
Her anger ebbed. Just a touch.
‘I know what it’s like to have an implacable, domineering father,’ she said, reaching for his hand. ‘And since we parted, I learned a great deal more about yours than I’d ever guessed when we were...’ She couldn’t quite bring herself to use the word courting, even though she now knew that was exactly what they’d been doing. ‘It is obvious, with hindsight,’ she said bitterly, ‘that he wanted better for you than a virtually penniless clergyman’s daughter from an obscure parish. He forbade the match, is that it?’
He groaned and flung up one hand to cover his eyes. He only wished it had been that simple. ‘It wasn’t exactly like that,’ he admitted ‘But if it’s any consolation to you, I definitely got my just desserts for not keeping faith with you,’ he said with a hollow laugh.
His breathing grew laboured as he considered flinging himself off the precipice of a total confession.
But as he lowered his arm and looked at her pinched expression, he took a mental step back from the edge. He hadn’t earned her trust yet, even though she was claiming she’d forgiven him. And if she knew it all...the thought of how she might react made his insides freeze.
‘I shouldn’t have brought it up, should I,’ he said ruefully. His selfish urge to salve his conscience had spoiled what had been a beautiful moment between them. ‘It is just,’ he said, rolling his whole body to one side to stare down at her, ‘that I want to get to know you again. The woman you are now. And we don’t have long, do we? You are only spending a short time in Paris.’
‘So there is little point in trying, is there?’ She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, struggling to keep the quilt covering what modesty she had left, and began to search for her scattered clothing.
As she attempted to fumble one stocking on to her foot without letting go of the quilt, he rolled off the bed and reached for his breeches.
‘Would you prefer me to leave you in privacy to dress?’
‘Yes. I would, thank you,’ she said, flushing, for it seemed foolish to feel shy after he’d had his hands and mouth all over her.
But he didn’t mock her sudden attack of shyness. He just smiled at her and walked to the door. Though he hesitated on the threshold, leaning his arm on the jamb.
‘I can see you are determined to leave,’ he said. ‘But I hope I can persuade you to spend tomorrow with me.’
‘Oh, and just how do you propose to do that?’
He chuckled. ‘Not the way you seem to think.’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she said crossly.
He raised one eyebrow. Then straightened his face. ‘Of course you don’t. So I will just point out that the mouse and her Frenchman will be so wrapped up in each other that they will drive you to distraction. What’s more, they won’t even notice whether you are there or not. So you need have absolutely no qualms about spending every moment you have left in Paris with me.’
Which was all true. She had no stomach for trailing around behind Fenella and Gaston. And there was going to be an awful lot more time to endure in Paris, while Monsieur le Prune attempted to strike a deal with the contacts she’d made. Time she might as well spend with Nathan, rather than moping about the changes she’d have to make to her life once Fenella married.
Because she couldn’t deny she did enjoy being with him. Tonight, before they’d started talking about the past, and what had gone wrong, she’d enjoyed his company tremendously.
Yes—as a distraction from the prospect of potentially
