way Porter’s and his mother’s issues were intruding on what had been the best day Alaina could remember having with her husband, when there were precious few to remember.
In spite of knowing there was so much of her life left to uncover, she found herself wanting more of those new memories.
* * *
He closed the door behind his mother. Finally. And not soon enough.
He’d known this was a bad idea, having his mom here for Christmas. She hadn’t ever been the home and hearth for the holidays sort, and she certainly hadn’t got along with Alaina. This wasn’t the joyous, peaceful atmosphere he’d been attempting to create with his wife. This evening was a prime example. His day with Alaina had been derailed by that damn awkward dinner.
At least Courtney was out for the evening with Barry the tax attorney. Just like that, she’d become the mother of his youth. The one who was interested in men more than family. The one who put boyfriends first.
Alaina’s misfortune was that she couldn’t remember a thing. His great curse was that he couldn’t forget a single damn moment. What a pair they made.
Cricking his neck to the side, he strode to his office computer and uploaded some videos of their Tallahassee house onto a disc for Alaina so she could see where they’d lived. Maybe that would jostle a memory. And maybe she would see her own stamp on their life in a way she hadn’t here.
He was struck by the irony. Even with streaming music, some people still made music mixes on CDs as a gift, full of “their songs.” Not him. But then he wasn’t sure she would even like the same music anymore. His whole life felt upside down lately.
He thought all he’d wanted was the family he’d dreamed of having, but in getting to know Alaina again, seeing her in a new way after the accident, his feelings were mixed up.
Even his mother’s behavior tonight had rocked him. It’s not that he minded that she had a new beau. She was a grown-up, after all. But it brought the weight of his past crashing down on him.
Needing to calm himself, Porter made his way to Thomas’s nursery. Seeing his son was a way to remind himself that this was not the past. That he was going to be an active part of his son’s life. That he was making the family he’d always wanted.
Porter had never lacked material objects as a child. His mother was a brilliant attorney and made a decent salary.
But he had been profoundly lonely. And he never wanted Thomas to experience that. Never wanted him to feel as if he wasn’t welcome, as if he wasn’t wanted.
Courtney had chased love for Porter’s whole life. Moving from man to man. Men who seldom bothered to learn Porter’s name, always settling on the generic “sport” or “son.” Nameless. Invisible.
He’d attended an elite boarding school from middle school through high school. He was home for three weeks over Christmas and two months over the summer.
It was common for his mother to promise to spend time with him only to bail in favor of a date and time at the bar. She’d always promised to take him to movie releases, or ice-skating or bowling. But more often than not, Porter did all those things with a nanny instead of with his mother. He was frequently sent to his room so his mother and her current boyfriend could have the run of the house, child-free.
But there had been one Christmas break when he was in seventh grade that completely changed their relationship forever. It was part of the reason he still felt so distant from his mother. The experience left him feeling like a part-time son in a part-time family.
Alaina might not have ever gone to Colorado, but he sure as hell had.
He had come home from break, excited for the plans he had made with his mother over the school year. They were supposed to go skiing in Colorado. It was going to be a winter wonderland filled with snow, hot chocolate and sports.
They had gone to Colorado. But Courtney had brought a nanny along for the ride. As well as her boyfriend. She’d enrolled Porter in a snow camp for the day and the nanny entertained him at night while Courtney wined and dined. He’d even discovered she planned the whole trip around her meet-up with the guy. Porter had felt completely let down. He’d wanted to spend time with his mother. Even as a teen, he’d been seeking that connection. But it was on that trip that he’d realized it would never happen. If he wanted a family of his own, he would have to create it himself.
Shoving the memory aside, Porter stood over the crib. Thomas snoozed, breathing light little breaths. He was so peaceful.
It would be different for Thomas. Porter and Alaina would figure out how to be around each other. They would move past the temporary truce they’d erected before the accident and live as a family. Alaina seemed to feel their connection as much as he did. Even if she regained her memories, surely she would forgive the past and stay this time. And they both already felt so bonded to their son.
A muted knock sounded from behind him. Porter wheeled around to see Alaina standing in the doorway. She’d already changed for bed. She was in a racerback tank top that showed off her ample curves. The black shorts hugged her legs, inching up her strong thighs. His gaze lingered on her smiling face.
“Hey. You know, today was pretty amazing. Maybe you’re not so terrible at that romance thing.” Her voice was low, but playful. Almost like the Alaina he had first fallen in love with. He ached to grab her, to draw her into his arms.
“Well, I only know how to go big or go home.”
“Today was great. All the things we found for Thomas. You bringing the decorations out for us tonight. Trying to get our own holiday traditions started. It was sweet and it meant a lot to me.” She stepped close to him. Just barely out of reach.
Close enough that the coconut scent of her shampoo teased his senses. Close enough that he ached to pull her to him and take her to bed. Patience be damned. But there was too much at stake. Keeping them together. Keeping her happy. Keeping her.
He forced himself to measure his words.
“I want us to be a family.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets to keep from grabbing her and saying to hell with talking. “And I think your idea of a shrimp boil is a great follow-up to what we did tonight. We are a team. Input from both of us matters.”
“I think so, too. The time we’re spending here is helping.” She paused, her beautiful blue eyes glazing over with her attempt at looking inward. “I also vaguely recall making the painting I gave you. I can see it in my mind. It’s a bit fuzzy, but I can remember the colors I used, the brushes...”
Memories. He should be rejoicing. And he was glad for her, but he couldn’t stop the impending sense of doom. What would happen when she remembered all the mistakes he’d made? When she realized those were the questions he had avoided answering?
“It’s great that you’re starting to remember. I love your paintings. Your colors. I can’t wait for you to re-see our house in Tallahassee.”
He just prayed they could mend their marriage—their family—before the rest came rolling in. The bad parts. The possible divorce.
And God—that sucker punched him. The stakes were higher than ever. They had a child now and Porter felt he was getting to know Alaina all over again.
“What
