Tucking a tendril of my hair back, he stared into my eyes and I stood there stock-still, wishing I felt more for him than I did. Because I knew right then, that my heart belonged to another.
How the man in front of me was single still was beyond me, but I figured he was still getting over his divorce. Except, right now, he was flashing me enough signals that even a daydreamer like me could pick up on them. If only things had been different between us. But timing was everything and it was too late. Wasn’t it? As usual, when I even considered what could be with Timothy, Kai’s sun-kissed face popped into my mind.
I smiled, unsure of what to say. “Thanks for thinking of Cedarwood.”
“I was thinking of you, I must admit.”
The look he gave me was one I recognized so well from all those years ago – the type where he’d say something and follow it up with a slow, sultry kiss. In the quiet of the moment, we could still be those two teenagers who only needed each other… But we weren’t those people any more.
Trying not to look too obvious, I retreated to the safety of my desk, his presence overwhelming in close proximity. “Well, I appreciate it,” I said, pretending I didn’t understand his meaning. “And I promise it’ll be the party of year!”
“Did you ever think of me after you left, Clio?”
Oh boy. “Sure. I thought of you all.”
He rubbed his chin, like he was weighing up what to say. “I thought about you constantly. Picturing you in the big city, going from party to party, dressed to impress, meeting interesting people. Living this exotic life. I kicked myself a million times for letting you go.”
I waved him away. This was all getting way too sentimental for a business meeting. “That’s all in the past. We didn’t know any better back then…” And when I said we, I meant him, clearly. He was the one who’d got married and moved on quickly, and made babies with someone else: real, living, breathing children and whatnot. Still, I didn’t begrudge him anything. It really was a distant memory for me. And in hindsight had probably made staying and living in New York easier, because I hadn’t been pining for a long-distance love, just nursing a broken heart that had been surprisingly easy to heal in the bright lights of the big city.
“You say that, but I always wonder, you know? Would we have made it if you’d stayed? Would we have had a family, a house, a business together?”
He was speaking so fervently I had the urge to flee. What was the point of looking back? None of those things had happened, and they wouldn’t either. He’d had a wife, a family, the dog called Buster, the cookies baked from scratch, and some of it had worked out for him and some of it hadn’t.
It was too late for us. And yes, the thought made me a little sad – Timothy was one of the sweetest guys around – but he just wasn’t right for me. No matter how many times he asked for a date or turned up unannounced, all my fleeting feelings had been those of a long-forgotten teenage crush.
Here was the universe placing a good man in my path and I wasn’t interested. Instead I was pining after a man who would most likely head back to Australia once his family rift was fixed. Was I destined to be alone? I shook the thought from my mind – I didn’t want to be anyone’s second choice and, while Timothy wasn’t that kind of guy deep down, that was sort of how it felt. Like, you’re back, and you’re good enough, let’s pick up where we left off. But I wanted the fairy tale. The fluttery belly, the air sucked from the room when he walked in, the thought that I was number one in someone’s eyes. Not a consolation prize.
I coughed, and let out a nervous little laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “Ah, but you had all of that with someone else, and now you have two love, love…” I skidded on the word. “…Two lovely children, and you should be very proud. We’d have broken up after our first fight about where the couch went, and whose turn it was to put the trash out. We were never much good at agreeing on things.” I smiled at the memory of our epic fights – the slammed doors, the threats that we were finished, the fervent apologies and making up. We were such utterly different people. Tim had been an athlete through and through, and I’d been the dreamer with firm ideas about décor who’d yearned for another life somewhere more exotic than Evergreen.
With a deep breath, Tim smiled and said, “Feng Shui, I never really understood it.”
I laughed. “Feng Shui was forgotten by the time I got to New York. Out there it was something else every other week. A new hobby, a new passion. Following the latest craze, as you do.”
The sultry smile was back in place but dialed down a notch. Had I got my point across? “Well, no matter what, New York was good for you. But I’m glad you returned home safe.” His cellphone buzzed, and he tapped his vibrating pocket, his mouth tightening. “That’ll be Vinnie. I’ll call you later.” With a quick peck on my cheek, he walked out, answering the phone as he went.
I watched him drive off and counted the seconds, wondering how many it would take before Amory rushed in ready to grill me about Timothy. And sure enough: One, two, three, boom!
“So, what’s the deal with Timothy?” she asked, her forehead furrowing. “He practically had love hearts for eyes!”
I scrunched up my nose. “We’re strictly in the friend zone. My choice.”
She sighed, drawing out the sound.
“I know, I know,” I said. “I’m too fussy. But the thing is, I just don’t feel anything for him, not now.” I shrugged. “There’s no point pretending.”
She held up her hands. “I want to shake you until you see sense sometimes! Why can’t you go on a date and see what happens?”
There was real confusion in her voice. Poor Amory could never understand my hesitation with men. I just had to be sure, and I found taking that step so difficult. “Well, you know why, Amory! Yes, he’s sweet, buff, financially secure… but my heart doesn’t beat a rhumba when he’s around. It just beats the same old boompety boom, as usual. And I don’t want to give him false hope if there’s nothing there for me.”
“Oh, darling, you and your obsession with visceral reactions. Won’t he do? For some fun, someone to have dinner with, dare I say someone to tangle in the sheets with after a bottle of wine on a Saturday night? Don’t you miss men?”
I debated whether to lie. “Not really. I don’t think about tangling in the sheets at all, because I know how much those sheets cost.”
Her mouth fell open and she laughed uproariously. “Clio, darling, you’re hopeless. You go around kissing Kai and then pretend you haven’t.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up her hand. “Don’t think I don’t know about that! But what does it mean? Look, if you won’t tell Kai you like him, and you won’t consider a measly date with Timothy, what are you going to do? Snuggle up to your Egyptian cotton sheets for the rest of your life?”
“You have to admit they are nice sheets.”
“Seriously, Clio!” Pink spots appeared on her cheeks. Scotty chose that moment to run over and try and climb up my leg like a tree. I scooped him up and buried my face in his fur; he really was the sweetest thing.
“OK,” I said, trying to take her more seriously. “I don’t know who I’m going to snuggle up to. I might have to borrow your puppy.”
“Nice
