I’ll be pitching in.”
“Pitching in? How?”
“Well, financially and, hopefully, with child care.”
“Helping me pay for childcare? Is that it?”
“And with actual child care,” he said, smiling.
“You thinking of sticking your mother with a baby?”
“I’m pretty good with babies,” he said. “I was thinking of having my time with him. Or her.”
“Oh,” she said. “Thanks. That’s nice of you.”
Nice of me, he thought shamefully. She was talking like she expected to go it alone if he wouldn’t marry her, and that almost made his cheeks flame. He had at least as much responsibility here as she did. She might’ve been lazy about those pills, but he’d used a condom he’d been carrying around for months, rubbing it thinner every time he slid into a chair. “I told you—you’re not in this all alone. Can you think of anything I can do to help right now?”
“To tell the truth, just having you show a little interest helps a lot. Moral support, you know.” And then for the first time since they sat down, she smiled.
“Ah,” he said. “There it is. I know you don’t think you have that much to smile about right now, especially where I’m concerned. I’ll do whatever I can. It’ll help if you tell me what you need.”
“Right now? I want my baby to have a father. A good father. I just need someone to care.”
“I care about what’s happening with you and the baby. I’m kind of clumsy with words, Terri. I might’ve been a little too shocked to give you the kind of comfort you needed when I first found out, I’m sorry about that. Here’s how I feel—I think it would be a mistake for us to try to make a marriage out of a very nice friendship, but if I’m having a child, I’m committed to the child. For life. I’ll do my part because I want to. You can rest easy about that.”
“How will your parents feel about that?” she asked.
“They’ll feel the same way,” he said. “Terri—I’m thirty-six. I’m past asking my parents for approval. What we’re going to have to do here is find a way to work together.” He swallowed. “We have to put the needs of the child first.”
She sighed. “God,” she said, tears sparkling in her eyes. “I never expected you to act like this. I thought you’d take off or deny it. But you’re a good man, Paul. A real good man…”
If I was worth a damn, you wouldn’t be unmarried and pregnant, he thought. “I’m sure I’ll fall short a lot, but I’m going to do my best.”
“Thanks,” she said. “You have no idea how much that means to me.”
When their lunch was over, he walked her to her car and she hugged him. “Just having you nearby—that’s very reassuring,” she said. “I thought I’d never hear from you again. Sometimes this feels so lonely.” Then she looked up at him and said, “Although I might not have a husband—I feel like I have a partner. Thank you, Paul.”
“Um…Yeah. We’ll work together on this, make sure everything is covered…”
Her arms still around his waist, looking up at him with those large, sad eyes, she said, “Maybe I could make you dinner this weekend…”
He was shaking his head before she even finished. “We have to keep this in perspective, Terri. We’re going to be parents together, I guess. But that relationship we had, such as it was? We’re not going to have that relationship anymore. We can’t. It’ll only complicate a situation that’s already complicated.”
Her face fell. She looked down. “I see,” she said.
He put a finger under her chin, lifting her face so their eyes met. “We’re in this together, but we’re not a couple. We never were.”
She took a breath. “If I’m going to carry the baby, it would be nice if I also had some affection.”
He put a small kiss on her brow. “You have that. As the mother of my child.”
“You’re absolutely sure nothing could grow between us? As we have this baby together?”
“Terri, my intention is to be good to you and be a good father. But if there was something more between us, we both would have known before this, before now. I think what we can be is good friends, good parents. Let’s shoot for that, huh?”
“Sure,” she said with a sad smile. “Sure. That’s something, I guess.”
“I’m sorry, Terri. That’s all I have. And until that night I called, I think that’s all you had. Think about it—we never even had phone calls. We just weren’t that connected. Let’s move ahead. Let’s see if we can make this work for the child.”
“Then I guess it’ll have to be enough,” she said, pulling her arms from around him.
For the first time he thought, what if she takes this child away from me? What if she finds someone else, some guy, willing to be that husband and father? And it puts me in the way? I have to know more about this kind of thing, he thought. I have to know what I can do about this.
“That’s all I can ask.” He gave her shoulders a brief, friendly squeeze. “I’ll be in touch.”
Vanessa had almost every piece of clothing she owned spread out across the bed. She was trying to pack for a trip to Grants Pass to visit Matt’s parents and she wanted to look her best. She had asked her mother-in-law, Carol, if she would please invite Paul to dinner. She hadn’t seen him since the baby was born and she’d so like to get his attention. But when Vanessa looked in the mirror, she saw a waist that was still too thick, breasts too heavy for her tops and thighs that felt like tree trunks. She couldn’t get into any of her old clothes and she’d be damned if she’d wear maternity clothes. The baby was almost two months old.
Vanessa had always been sure of herself. Her mother had called her feisty, her father proclaimed her a handful, her best friends from the airline told her she was a fearless extrovert and counted on her to handle difficult situations with pilots or passengers. Matt had called her his fiery-haired vixen.
Around Carol, however, she lacked confidence. Carol was chic, perfect, successful and took self-assurance to the next level. Vanessa and Carol seemed to disagree on everything, and Carol managed to get her way at all times by wearing the most engaging smile. Carol Rutledge was possibly the only woman alive Vanessa had trouble standing up to. On top of that, Vanni felt she looked fat.
Frustrated, she pulled on a pair of jeans with an elastic waistband and her riding boots. She found her father in the great room. “Hey, Dad. Matt’s asleep and should be down for another hour or two. Can you listen for him while I take a short ride? I won’t be long.”
“Take your time,” he said, barely looking up from his book.
“Thanks.”
At least she was finally cleared to ride again. The exercise and glorious spring weather was good for her spirits. When she got to the stable, she noticed the door to
