Dr Clarke,
Please accept this letter as confirmation that my son, Felix Burns-West, and daughter, Regan Burns-West will not be attending Thamesbank Comprehensive this coming autumn.
We would like to thank you for the excellent level of education they have received during their time with you. If it is possible to pick up their academic records on the last day of term rather than having them posted, I would be most grateful. Apologies for any confusion regarding addresses. Monty and I are still very much married. Business has kept him in the West Country for the past term.
If a set of records could also be forwarded on to Cottleston School (address below) so that Felix’s admission records will be complete when the new term begins, I would be grateful.
Thank you for putting the children at your school first. Felix and Regan have formed some incredible friendships and, of course, we are grateful for the academic foundation upon which the rest of their scholastic journey will depend.
Yours
Freya Burns-West
FELIX’S NEW SCHOOL:
Cottleston School
Cottleston Square
Bristol BS10
AVON
TO: NHS GREYSTONE HOSPITAL TRUST, HR
FROM: Dr Emily Cheung
RE: Osteopath Consultancy Snafu
To Whom It May Concern in this Vast NHS Beast of a Machine Because There Was No Human Name on the Job Offer
Yes please. I would like to accept the Surgical Osteopathy Consultancy with the title of Consultant Osteopath. (Can we blame typos or autocorrect for the position offered in your email: Sultan Osteopath?)
(Apologies for any misinterpretation of the term ‘suck it’ in previous communication. In certain Chinese cultures, it is a very good thing, particularly when in reference to fish heads.)
Special interests include hips, knees, feet, ankles and lumbar spine pain. I also am looking into sciatica but best not to make a thing out of it just yet. And yes. The hours of nine to five (Dolly Parton withstanding) sound most excellent.
Yours
Dr E Cheung
NB: My preference is to remain Dr Cheung on all relevant paperwork. My parents didn’t immigrate halfway round the world to write home about their daughter, Miss Cheung. I think you’ll agree it lacks gravitas.
TO: Devon Surf Co
FROM: Isabella Yeats
RE: Administrative Error
Dear Ashley (and Kai – Aloha Kai, if you’re reading this),
Thank you for the (second) letter and follow-up phone message confirming my appointment as Surf Instructor at your new venture within the National Trust. I know it sounds like a lie, but the dog did genuinely eat your first letter!
I’m afraid I’ve hit a little blip in the health department and am stuck here in Sussex for the next couple of months, so a recce isn’t possible over the bank holiday weekend as I’d thought.
As previously mentioned, my daughter is in school until 8 July. I’m not sure how much they actually learn in those last couple of weeks (LOL), but I do know she is looking forward to participating in her first-ever British school sports day (she is a gifted runner) which is on 7 July. Is there any chance the June start date could be a bit more … elastic?
Oh – and don’t worry about explaining British terminology like flat/apartment and holiday/vacation. I was raised here so am well versed in British colloquialisms as well as Hawaiian.
Yours sincerely,
Izzy Yeats
Surfer
Dear Headmaster Lindley,
Please accept my apologies for writing to you on informal notepaper. I’m afraid I am ‘between’ printers at present. I was terrifically embarrassed upon hearing about my son, Jack Mayfield’s, role in that dreadful prank. More than embarrassed, frankly. I am truly ashamed to have raised such an unkind young man.
Though you are generous in saying that boys will be boys, it is absolutely no excuse for tying another student to a lavatory in a disused outbuilding. It was a cruel, cruel thing to do.
Obviously, we are well beyond the days of corporal punishment, but I agree that working in the dining room throughout half-term for the overseas boarders would be a better option than mucking out the horses in the stables. As you noted, he’s a bit obsessed with horses right now and would more than likely see it as a reward rather than a punishment. If his riding privileges could also be revoked I would be most grateful.
Jack’s father is tricky to reach at this time as he is balancing work with the arrival of his new daughter. I can be reached at all times on my mobile.
Please note, for future communications I will be using my maiden name, Bunce.
Yours sincerely,
Charlotte Mayfield née Bunce
Freya Burns-West
15 Canter Lane
Balham,
London SW12
2 May
Camden Market
Shop Letting Unit
Camden
London NW1
Dear Barry
I never thought this day would come! As per your instruction, please accept this letter as three months’ notice on my shop, Tee-Boned (why did I ever think that was a good idea?).
If there is any way the committee could allow me a bit of leeway and ‘forgive’ the balance on the final month’s rent (July), I’d be eternally grateful. (Still waiting to make my millions! Ha ha.)
As it is prime market space, perhaps some pop-ups could fill the void if you don’t find a permanent vendor? I hear the hubcap chap is branching out into lightbulb art?!?!
As you know, Monty has taken up his brother’s offer to work full time. As such, the children and I will be moving to Bristol when this school term finishes (end of June, the cheeky blighters!), so if any post could please be forwarded to the address below, I would be grateful.
Thank you for many years of happiness at Camden Markets. It is an extraordinary venue. Perhaps I’ll be applying for a pop-up over the Christmas hols with my new venture: Animal Accents (name still a work in progress! LOL).
Oh! And many thanks for the pistachio/jagger/ayurvedic fudge. Who knew I could feel so Zen after a palm sugar rush?
All
