day. Good times.
‘You can email the CV or bring it over, whichever is less likely to cause a fuss. I know she monitors your emails.’
I did a double-take. ‘She does what?’
‘She reads your emails.’ Matilda nodded. ‘Technically all managers can read their employees’ emails, but Shona is the only one who takes advantage of the privilege. I think she’s also your next of kin according to your company pension, so let’s hope nothing happens to you before you get on the phone to Legal & General.’
‘Is that a joke?’ I asked as she pushed past me, folding her sleeve around her fingers to open the door.
‘The fact that you’ve got to ask is why you should apply for this job,’ she called back. ‘Do it now, Maddie.’
‘Morning, Maddie.’ Paul the Perv, deputy sales director, walked in as she walked out and gave me a wink. ‘Any particular reason you’re in the gents?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said.
‘Let me be the first to welcome you,’ he said, unzipping and beginning to pee right next to me. ‘You’re welcome in here any time.’
‘Thanks, Paul,’ I said, heading straight for the door.
It’s just like they always say. You go nineteen months without seeing a single penis, and then two come along at once.
It should have been a relaxing couple of days. Shona was on an overnight with a PR, checking out some new hotels they were looking after so we could use them for future events, and I didn’t have anything especially pressing on my agenda. I was looking forward to getting some paperwork out of the way, finding a caterer for Lauren, maybe doing a little light online shopping and leaving dead on the dot of five-thirty.
I settled in to my ergonomically sound and bloody uncomfortable chair, cupped my mug of tea in one hand and opened my email to IM Sarah for advice on the job front. Only I couldn’t. HR wanted me to apply for a job that she wanted. She’d asked me if I thought she was in with a chance at Lauren’s engagement party and of course, I’d said yes. Because, according to the CV she had sent me that evening, she was definitely qualified for it. Plus she had more than enough on her plate with the Stephen situation. I’d never seen her so messed-up about anything; I didn’t want to make things more difficult for her. This definitely had to be an in-person conversation. I couldn’t talk to her about this on email.
Instead I clicked on Lauren’s name in the instant messaging bar, sent a dancing lobster and waited for her to respond.
‘You’ve got crabs????’ she typed immediately.
‘No, I haven’t got crabs,’ I replied. I’d know if I had crabs. Wouldn’t I? ‘I’ve got a work problem, I need some advice.’
‘Sounds like a Sarah problem TBH.’
Like I didn’t know that already.
‘I can’t ask Sarah, that’s why I’m asking you.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Don’t get offended,’ I typed as quickly as I could, one eye on Shona’s glass-walled office beside me. In some ways I preferred it when she was in there: at least then I knew where she was. Having her out and about was like knowing there was a spider somewhere in the flat but not knowing when it was going to jump out at you. ‘They’ve asked me to apply for a promotion at work but it’s the same job Sarah wants to apply for.’
‘Sarah is applying for a job at your place????’
Lauren loved to overpunctuate. As the child of two English teachers, it genuinely caused me physical pain.
‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘But I think it would be weird if she worked here.’
‘She didn’t tell me she was looking for a new job. She’s gone radio silence on me. Do you think she’s mad at me because of the wedding?’
‘I think she’s upset about Steve.’
‘It’s so crazy. They’re really really getting divorced?’
‘They’re really, really getting divorced. It’s bad.’
For a moment she didn’t say anything.
‘So she won’t need a plus-one for the wedding?’
I sat staring at my screen for a full minute.
‘Sorry,’ Lauren typed, adding a crying puppy for good measure. ‘Joking. Job. You want it?’
‘Think so,’ I replied. ‘It would be more money. Wouldn’t have to work for Shona.’
‘Is she going to be mad?’
‘Yes,’ I confirmed, running through the revenge scenarios that could await. ‘She told me not to apply and asked HR not to give it to me.’
Lauren replied with a winky face.
‘Wait, wrong one,’ she tapped, following up with a shocked emoji. ‘And you’re not going to tell?’
‘No.’ Wasn’t that the whole point of this conversation? ‘She’s so upset about the divorce, I don’t want to upset her more.’
‘I can’t believe they’re getting divorced,’ Lauren replied before a little blue link appeared in the conversation. ‘What do you think of this dress?’
‘Nice,’ I said, without clicking on it. ‘It’s so weird. I know it’s happening but it doesn’t feel real.’
‘I guess we hardly ever see him,’ she said. ‘How long is it since he came out with us?’
‘I know, I think things were worse than she wants to say.’
I could understand why Lauren was struggling with the concept. When I woke up on Monday morning I only remembered Sarah was getting divorced when I found our wine glasses from Friday night under the sofa. Sarah probably hadn’t even slept. It was this big, huge, giant thing, and nothing had prepared any of us for what it actually meant. It’s so strange how something can affect one person in such a huge way and only have a ripple effect on others. My heart hurt to think of how hard it had to be for her.
‘I think you should apply for the job,’ Lauren typed.
‘You do?’
‘If the company have asked you to, it’ll look bad if you don’t. They must think you can do it. Sarah will understand. Just tell her they offered it to you.’
‘I’ve got to interview, they’re not just giving me it,’ I explained. Underneath the stress of Shona finding out, of upsetting Sarah, and the general terror that I would somehow fuck it up, there was a part
