to him, Holly thought helplessly, was like talking to a brick wall. Yet there was no way that she was going to cave in. As far as she was concerned, they could both be loving parents without having to pay the ultimate price. She wanted to tell him that, had it not been for the life growing inside her, he would have already been making plans to marry Cecelia. He would have had his perfect partner. Now, he would be stuck with her, and how long before the poisonous thread of resentment began seeping into him?
‘That doesn’t mean that we have to get married.’ Holly looked at him with stubborn defiance. ‘We can be loving, responsible parents without being tied to one another. It’s better that we’re both happy individuals apart than miserable and bitter together.’
Luiz didn’t see how she could possibly mean that when less than three months ago she had been keen to take their relationship to another level. Yet, that stubborn, closed expression…
For the first time he fully appreciated the depth of the damage his well-intentioned fabrications had done. Throw in a girlfriend acquired for all the wrong reasons and, no matter that the girlfriend had been dispatched and marriage proposed, she was still in no mood to budge.
‘You make it sound as though marriage to me would be torture,’ Luiz said through gritted teeth, frustrated at being unable to get around her. ‘And yet, don’t try and pretend that there isn’t chemistry between us!’
‘I wondered how long it would take for you to bring that up!’ Holly retorted with bitterness. Sex was all it had ever been for him. While she had been busy building castles in the sky and fantasising about marriage and babies, he had been happy to use her as a plaything, a doting plaything willing to do anything he wanted.
‘Yes, I find you attractive. I suppose lots of women do. It’s not enough.’ She lowered her eyes. There was a treacherous voice in her head asking her what was enough, really? Were there ever any guarantees that any marriage would work out…? Didn’t some marriages fail even when the right boxes had all been ticked and the profit-and-loss columns neatly balanced…?
She ignored that voice and continued quietly and insistently, ‘We both deserve happiness. You shouldn’t have broken up with your girlfriend. One day, I’ll find my soul mate and it will be healthier for our child to be the products of two happy parents even if they’re not happy together.’
Luiz was affronted by what she had just said on pretty much every level. Whatever he had said or done in the past, most other women would have leapt at the offer he had extended because it really didn’t get much better than that. The fact that they still couldn’t keep their hands off one another was an added and pleasurable bonus. So why was she digging her heels in and treating him as though he had offered her a pact with the devil? And who was this soul mate she had in mind? Not too long ago, he had been her soul mate! Why couldn’t she stop being so damned proud and wake up to the fact that he was right?
‘Ending my relationship with Cecelia was not a source of regret for me,’ Luiz conceded heavily. ‘I would have broken up with her whether or not you were in the picture.’
‘You would?’ Holly could have kicked herself for the spark of interested curiosity she could hear in her voice. Did that make any difference? No. ‘But she’s perfect for you. I thought you were on the lookout for the right woman with the right background…’
‘We’re covering old ground here. You won’t marry me—that poses a number of obvious problems. Firstly, do you honestly expect me to commute to Yorkshire?’
‘You did for ages.’ She was afflicted with a sharp pang of memory at the pleasure those weekend visits had always elicited.
‘Weekends.’ Luiz brushed aside her interruption dismissively. ‘I would want more than just weekend visits. It is a long way to travel for a couple of hours during the week. Furthermore, what about schooling when the time comes? How far is it to the nearest school? Do you suggest an erratic education because you live in the middle of nowhere where it’s liable to snow for a large proportion of winter?’
‘You’re projecting into the future,’ Holly said uncertainly.
‘I’m attempting to reach a fair and equitable arrangement. Sacrifices have to be made. If you’re not willing to marry me, then you’re going to have to climb down from your moral platform and start meeting me halfway.’
‘I can’t live in a city.’
‘And I refuse to commute to Yorkshire. It’s impractical.’ If she wanted to play hardball, Luiz thought, then he would play hardball, too.
‘Why do you have to be unreasonable?’ But was he? How many men would have risen to the occasion with equal unstinting generosity? He hadn’t asked for his life to be derailed by circumstances beyond his control and yet he was willing to assume his responsibilities whatever the cost to the future he had had neatly laid out in front of him. In return, all she could think about was her own past hurt and emotional wounds that were still raw and bleeding. She sighed and slumped. ‘I can’t move to a city—what about my animals?’ she asked in a small voice.
‘This can all be worked out.’ He refused to yield to her drooping, forlorn body language. ‘I’ll be out of the country for the next week. You can use the time to think about it. You seem to think that nothing will change—everything will.’
AFTER THE DRAMA of London, returning to the tranquillity of the countryside failed to deliver the peace Holly had banked on. She had too much on her mind. Her thoughts were all over the place. She wanted to be honest with herself, yet found it impossible to leave her bitter grievances behind. She told herself that she hated Luiz and yet she knew that she was still as fiercely attracted to him as she had been in the thick of their relationship. There was no way that she could ever turn the clock back and love him… Yet a demanding voice inside her insisted that, if she didn’t still have feelings for him, then why was it that she couldn’t accept his marriage proposal which was fair and made sense? Surely if she wasn’t emotionally invested then, like him, she would be able to deal with the situation in a detached, pragmatic and sensible manner?
She could reluctantly see that her location would not be convenient for him. She didn’t want to leave her friends and her sanctuary behind, yet the need for compromise weighed heavily on her shoulders.
‘You should just marry him,’ Andy told her bluntly when she offloaded all her thoughts on him the evening after she had returned to her cottage. They were at her kitchen table and outside the greyest of days had slipped into starry night. Through the kitchen window, with the curtains open, a full moon illuminated the fields and open countryside. In the depths of winter, these same fields could be snow-covered for days on end… How on earth would Luiz be able to get up to see his child? For an hour or two? Sometimes, the sanctuary could be cut off for a week… longer… then what? Would she find herself in the constant line of fire for failing to compromise?
‘Let’s think pros and cons. He’s dishy, he’s the catch of the century… Frankly, my dear, if you won’t have him, then I will.’ Andy sniggered at his own joke. ‘But, seriously, having a kid… it’s not ideal in a place as remote as this, sweetie. Think illness and having to get hold of a doctor. Think having friends over after playschool; what do you do with them when it’s time for them to go and it’s started snowing—stash them in with Buster the donkey?’
‘You’re supposed to be on my side,’ Holly grumbled.
‘I
