table. He looked so tired and drawn, his skin tinged with the grey hue of fatigue, that all of a sudden she felt her eyes welling with tears. It was her presence that had caused him to look like this and it wasn’t what she’d intended. She’d come on this trip first and foremost to make the lives of the people they treated that bit better, not to make his life more stressful.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, overwhelmed by guilt.
‘Because you stood up for yourself?’ He shrugged. ‘I’d have done the same thing, Kasey, so there’s no need to apologise.’
‘I’m sorry for making things difficult for you,’ she corrected, wanting—needing—to explain. ‘I never meant to do that.’
‘Didn’t you?’ His voice sounded flat, emotionless, and she sighed, understanding why he found it so hard to believe her.
‘No,’ she said briefly, because there was no point trying to convince him when he didn’t want to be convinced. She topped up the patient’s anaesthetic then checked his vital signs one last time and stepped away from the table.
‘He should be OK now but you can top up the anaesthetic if you need to. I’ve left everything ready for you.’ She pointed to the vials of drugs then made her way to the door. ‘Goodnight.’
‘Goodnight, Kasey. And thank you.’
She didn’t pause, didn’t turn back to ask him what exactly he was thanking her for, because she knew what his answer would be and that it wasn’t the one she really wanted to hear. Adam was thanking her for her work that night, for acting as his anaesthetist and doing her job well. Every surgeon she’d ever worked with had done that because it was what was expected of one professional to another. However, as she made her way upstairs, she couldn’t help wishing that Adam’s thanks had been a bit more personal, that he’d thanked her for being her, not just a colleague.
It made her see just how ambivalent her feelings were towards him, and how hard it was going to be to work with him because of that. She might be ready to fight tooth and nail to uphold her status within the team but it didn’t mean that she didn’t want Adam’s approval, did it?
All of a sudden it felt as though she’d come full circle and was back to where she’d been five years ago, when wanting and hating Adam had almost destroyed her. Would she survive this time?
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