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TO AMANDA THE fluorescent lights of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or NICU, nursery seemed so harsh. So bright. Too bright. She thought of the tiny bedroom in her house where she’d put all the nursery furniture. The crib. The changing table. The rocker. The L for Lucas alphabet lamp she’d bought right after she’d found out she was having a boy. Even the chair from Mom’s house that she’d put in the corner to give the room a feeling of home. No glaring lights, no monitors or flashing lights there. That’s where he should be. Not here. She wanted to cry.
Slowly, with the nurse’s help, Amanda moved the wheelchair closer to the Plexiglas enclosure where her son curled up against a soft white blanket. Her arms ached to hold him, to touch him, but he needed to sleep, to grow, and she needed to recover. The IV in her arm was a glaring reminder of the long road ahead for them both.
He wasn’t big enough. Not nearly big enough. Not quite five pounds. Bigger than they’d expected, the doctor had said, sounding entirely too pleased for something he’d had no involvement in.
“Wow. You’re really here,” she whispered to the tiny stranger stretched out before her. She marveled at him. He might be small, but everything was there. Teeny tiny fingers. Itty bitty toes. Rounded little ears. Eyes that were closed right now, but she remembered the deep chocolate brown of them...a color he shared with his father. “I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job keeping you safe,” she whispered, afraid to startle him.
She couldn’t look away, staring at the tiny life she and Lane had created. For some reason, it didn’t hurt so much to think of Lane now. Maybe the pain meds had dulled her senses, too. Maybe her strength was coming back. Maybe.
She felt someone’s presence beside her. She looked up, surprised and pleased to see her brother Wyatt there. A hospital gown covered his T-shirt and jeans. They must have made him take off his Stetson, though she could see the ridge where it had recently sat on his dark hair.
“How you doin’?” He leaned in close, looking at her as well as her son. The kindness was thick in his eyes. Even though he was her brother, she could understand why Emily was so head over heels in love with him. She was a lucky woman. Amanda’s heart hitched, wishing someone would love her like that. The memory of another tall, dark-haired cowboy flitted through her mind before she forced herself to change the subject.
“I’m okay.” She looked back at her son. “Isn’t he beautiful?”
“You did a good job.” He slipped an arm around her shoulders and gently squeezed. “Everyone’s here—”
That got her attention. “What do you mean everyone?” Surely not the whole birthday party.
“The whole family.” He grinned at her. “Even Tyler wants to see his new cousin. He says he’s never met one of those before.” Wyatt laughed.
That boy was something else. She looked at her son. How much like Tyler would he be? How much like Lane? Her heart ached. And in that moment she realized all of her pain. Mentally cursing, she leaned back in the wheelchair. She didn’t want to leave, but she didn’t want to keel over, either. The staff probably already thought she was a terrible mother. It had taken her nearly half a day to wake up to see him. Surely they wondered what she’d done wrong to cause all this.
“Let’s get you back to your room.” Wyatt stood behind her and gripped the chair’s handles. It felt strange to let someone else make decisions for her, but if anyone was capable of doing that, it was Wyatt.
“Where’s Addie? I need to thank her.”
“Oh, you’ll have to wait. She’s standing in line outside, hoping to see the little guy.” He laughed again.
“In line?”
“Yeah, I pulled rank and came in first. The rest want a peek, but they only let a couple of us in at a time.”
She glanced over her shoulder up at him. “Even Jason?” Her brother, the attorney, was about as disconnected from humanity as anyone she knew. He couldn’t possibly be interested in a baby.
“Yeah, even Jason.”
Wyatt pushed her wheelchair out into the hall, and sure enough, everyone was there, lined up. Even Tyler. She had to laugh. The hospital gown was way too big for him, dragging over his shoes, but he was grinning from ear to ear. Wyatt rolled her over to see him.
“This is so cool.” He leaned against the arm of the wheelchair. “The baby and I have the same birthday! Thanks, Aunt Mandy. This gift’s almost as good as my new bike.”
Everyone laughed while Mandy gave him a hug, then winced as he leaned against her.
“Let’s get you back to bed—you did just have major surgery, you know.” Wyatt headed down the hall. “The nurses only let you up for a short while.”
She wanted to argue, because that was what she always did. But she knew he and the nurses were right.
Though she was in the maternity portion of the hospital, it felt more like the surgical unit. Her room definitely wasn’t the nice comfy suite she remembered being shown all those months ago.
Her disappointment in the accomodations was, of course, balanced by the fact the doctors had saved her life and her son’s. She tried to make her tired brain focus on being thankful.
As Wyatt passed the nurse’s station, he waved down a nurse, who followed them to the room. The sun had moved higher, leaving shadows in its wake. Wyatt flipped on a soft light and she wondered why the babies didn’t get that same consideration. Once the nurse had her settled in the bed, the blankets pulled up and tucked in, she struggled to stay awake.
Wyatt didn’t leave. He simply settled in the wooden chair next to the bed. Oh, God. He wasn’t leaving until he asked the question in his eyes. “It’s not fair to take advantage of me in my weakened state,” she whispered, leaning deep into the pillow, letting her eyelids droop.
“Weak is not a word I’d ever associate with you.” He smiled. Having discarded the hospital gown, he looked more like Wyatt now. He didn’t speak, simply sat there, looking at her with that intense stare she’d hated as a kid.
“Fine. Go ahead. Get it over with.” She closed her eyes again, dread a palpable being standing right there beside her.
“I won’t force you to tell me.” He paused and took a deep breath. “But—”
She’d never known Wyatt to be hesitant. She waited until she couldn’t stand it anymore. “But?”
“But if that were my son—I’d want to know.”
“How...how do you know I haven’t told him?”
Wyatt laughed. “Because I know you, Mandy.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “The man who is that boy’s father is someone you care about, probably even love. No man would ever touch you unless you wanted him to. Unless he was worthy of you. And if you’d told him, he’d be here.”
The air grew thick. She knew Wyatt hadn’t guessed who the father was. Nor had he pressured her to tell him. Looking at Wyatt now, she realized that reprieve was coming to an end.
Their gazes clashed, and she knew the instant
